April 13, 2017 at 6:45 am #6016
The situation ended a few weeks ago and we haven’t spoken at all since, but I am still confused about why it happened in the way that it did. Perhaps one of you can provide some interesting insight. To be clear, I have no intention of speaking to him ever again, and I am coming to accept that what’s done is done and that I should get over it. But I still don’t quite get it.
In mid January, a month after breaking up with my long term boyfriend (who I had been with for 2 and half years), my friends jokingly set me up a tinder profile. I went along with it because I found it quite funny and told them I probably wasn’t going to use it at all. In the next 24 hours, I swiped left on most guys and the few I did match with came across as creepy. I received a super like from a pretty good looking and seemingly charming (based on his short, but witty bio) guy and swiped right. He engaged me in good conversation from the start and spoke constantly over the next five days before meeting up for crazy golf and dinner for our first date.
Now let me give you a lowdown on what I had gathered about him as a person before we went on a date and a bit about myself. I’m a final year uni student living in Birmingham, UK. He’s in his penultimate year at university in Nottingham and is living in Birmingham while he completes a year long internship as a part of his course. Before meeting him, I had only every been involved with my ex, who I was with for two and half years. My tinder man has had three serious relationships since the age of eighteen, each lasting 4 – 6 months. I gathered in between he had had A LOT of flings. I later came to find out I was girl number twenty. I was apprehensive about the first date. Given his history and the fact he seemed a little on the cocky side, I wasn’t sure how he’d come across. I did enjoy the banter we had over text – I am a fairly strong character and give as good as I get, so I appreciate a challenge. My ex had a similar personality in certain respects.
However, it went very well. There wassn’t a single dull or awkward moment. We spoke incredibly frankly about our past relationships, our families, our education and aspirations and our interests. We had a debate or two and disagreed in several areas, yet it didn’t bother either of us. He appeared at first to have a lot of the traits I think I look for – ambition, confidence, strong minded, while being fun and open to new experiences. At the end of the date he asked me what I would say to a second date – dinner round at his – and I said yes. He told me later it was one of the strangest first dates he’d ever been on – but that it was also very, very good. Second date went just as well. Naturally, one thing almost led to another. But I did not sleep with him then and there. I told him I wasn’t interested in casual sex and I a) wanted to get to know someone b) wanted there to be a strong connection and potential for a relationship before sleeping with him. He didn’t push, but he did make a point that it was unusual. Of all his past conquests, he said only one had made him wait more than a few dates and that was his longest relationship – which only ended because she had to return to her home country. He had already told me about her before, so it wasn’t the first I’d heard of her. But he said he respected that.
We met up once or twice a week for the next month and texted every evening. We told each other a lot about ourselves. Every date and every conversation felt as good as the previous one. He didn’t ever sound too unbelieveable (but maybe I was being incredibly naive) but he made his feelings towards me clear: he got on really well with me, liked talking and hanging out with me, felt that we were very similar characters and that I generally understood him, and that there was chemistry. He said he felt comfortable being himself around me and that he could see us in a relationship. There were a few occasions before I finally decided I was ready that he did attempt to have sex with me. After the last one, I told him that I thought I might be ready, but even if we weren’t official, we would have to be exclusive. He agreed. And the next time, I slept with him.
Aaaaaand then it got weird. We carried out talking as normal over the next few days. I didn’t suspect a thing until he asked casually in the middle of conversation if I was sure that I couldn’t just do friends with benefits. I flat out refused and decided I would take it up with him in person during our next date. We went to dinner and then back to his. He told me on the car journey to his that he didn’t want to commit long term because he didn’t want to do long distance when he returned to Nottingham. This was partly because – he strongly implied – he had a reputation to uphold. He suggested he could instead commit to me for his remaining months in Birmingham, and when I said I was willing to give that a go, he said that he felt that by agreeing I was manipulating him. He suddenly said that he committed in the short term to the girl who moved back to her home country and, having got invested and hurt when she left, he didn’t want to do it again. But he did still want to casually date / friends with benefits until the end of his internship, because he did like me and didn’t think he’d find anyone he’d get on with better while he was here.
I was fuming. We both tried to get our way – I argued he should commit to seeing me exclusively while he insisted we should keep dating casually. Both of us admitted we didn’t want to throw our relationship away entirely. This back and forth lasted for several days. He eventually gave in, apologised for his behaviour, admitted that he couldn’t commit and that he wouldn’t push me any further. I told him to we should stay friends and followed this up by speaking to him and asking how he was a few days later. Off the back of this, we decided to meet up again and I said categorically we would just be friends. He did make a attempt to sleep with me again, and I stood my ground. He seemed genuinely surprised, admitting he thought I’d gone back on my word. We did meet up again in person and spoke regularly after this, and he didn’t try to push our interactions beyond anything platonic during this time. He did imply during this time that there were certain aspects of my personality he wasn’t as attracted to as he originally made out. As these were directly contradictory with what he had said previously I figured he was either showing his true colours or making excuses for his own behaviour.
Eventually, he told me he couldn’t just be friends and didn’t want to see me again. He said he still ‘enjoyed talking’ to me and that I had improved his experience in Birmingham ‘immensely’. I knew I had been starting more conversations than he had of late. I told him I could see he wasn’t really interested and I wasn’t going to embarrass myself by still talking to him. No words have been exchanged since.
I was – possibly am – more hurt by it than I wanted to admit. I just find it hard to digest he wasted so much of his own time chasing a girl that he probably knew he wouldn’t be able to ensnare in the way he wanted. But I guess that’s the thrill. I do believe he did quite like me – but it was his priorities and lack of maturity that sabotaged any potential. I did say he should keep in touch – but I think I can be sure I probably won’t hear anything now.
I think it’s worth adding a little bit about this guys previous lovers etc. he entered a relationship just before starting his internship and it ended a month or two before I met him. It only last four months, but he considered her a girlfriend because he committed to her fully, saw no one else and visited her every weekend. He admitted they got on terribly and argued a lot. It was doomed from the start and yet he still committed – claiming he only stayed because he was lonely on his internship and enjoyed the company. The time he committed for longer was with – as I explained before – with a girl who was in the UK for only a year. They got on very well, but again it ended when she returned home. He seemed hurt by it. I gathered he had been rejected by two other women, who he had got very involved with him but who decided he wasn’t for them. He liked their ‘softness’ and claimed that this made him want to start a relationship- I am by contrast quite a loud and assertive character and that is how he justified his lack of interest in me. Yet, he said they ‘couldn’t handle’ his own brashness (something I never really had a problem with), hence why they ended it. So, what do you make of this?May 23, 2017 at 6:07 am #6208
Something I’ve learned from years of relationship coaching is this:
The more detail you provide the more emotions are involved. But the mistake is in believing the answer is in the detail.
The answer is in adopting a posture of a woman who is in demand and desired.
You’re playing the “short game” of focusing on the minute details. That’s not where the answer is.
I realize this is a frustrating and difficult situation…
Of course, this is a complicated question that I can’t possibly answer in just a single post…
It sounds like you’re probably ready for my advanced strategies… if you’re reading my newsletters, listening to my podcasts, etc, you’re getting a part of the picture – but not all the details.
I’d suggest you take a look at this:
I think this will help you quite a bit…
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