As someone who's been in plenty of relationships, I know what it's like to experience the special kind of rush when a new person comes along.
Back then, working up the nerve to talk to a woman was already enough of a hurdle for me. So imagine how pumped I was from actually hitting it off with her and making a solid connection.
To be honest, it felt like winning the lottery and I'd tell my buddies all about it over a round of high-fives and a few drinks. Yeah, I was a bit naive and inexperienced at the time.
I'd get all emotional about it and take it personally, as if the girl pulled away because I was completely repulsive or some other crazy reason in my head.
But as I got a bit older (I use that term very loosely) and gained a better perspective on things, I realized it wasn't entirely my fault.
We BOTH played a part in what happened. I stopped taking it so hard and learned from the experience instead.
On the other side of the dating equation, I know that women have the same kind of excitement over a new relationship.
One thing in particular is the tendency for many women to look too far ahead into the future and create self-fulfilling prophecies that endanger their connection with a guy.
From a guy's point of view, this kind of behavior comes off as desperate and immature. In the end, it pushes men away, leaving you wondering what you said or did.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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Well, I'm going to let you know exactly what a lot of women say AND do that drive men away faster than kryptonite does to Superman.
Let's start with...
Here's the situation my female clients often get into: Things start off with their guy perfectly - so perfectly in fact, that even a Romantic comedy scriptwriter couldn't have come up with something better.
After the first few picture-perfect dates, the wheels in her head start turning. She creates a bunch of movie-worthy scenarios – the sky’s the limit with one's imagination.
Now, I'm not saying it's bad to feel optimistic about your evolving relationship, but you'll have to draw the line somewhere.
"Ok Carlos," you might ask, "where do I find this so-called line?"
There’s a difference between having happy thoughts like "Where could this be going", "Boy, I can't wait to meet his folks" or "When is he going to ask me to move in?"...
...and having prophetic visions of your wedding theme, what your bridal dress will look like, and pretty much anything too far in the future to be considered in the PRESENT moment.
So all I'm asking is that while you're visualizing the wonderful things that have yet to happen, don't stray too far from the present time and leave your guy behind.
There's always an element of uncertainty in a new relationship. Sometimes, a guy can give off mixed signals and make you wonder if he's really as into you as you are into him.
That thought alone can drive anyone up the wall, and it's obviously not a good feeling to have. Trust me - I get it that you just want to relieve yourself of the torment of wondering if this guy is wasting your time.
Having said that however, it's still not a good idea to keep asking him about the future of your relationship. Where's it going... What's next... etc.
For the average guy, having one of those 'State of the Union' type of talks is about as fun as... well, an actual State of the Union address. Not only is it un-fun, but the fear and uncertainty that some women unintentionally give off can create a lot of tension.
There's nothing wrong with feeling that anxiety. Chances are he's feeling it too.
The best way you can help both of you is by not running away from the fear while going through this process.
More importantly, don't let those feelings turn you into a needy person who requires reassurance from your partner all the time. Otherwise, you'll just create the same situation you were trying to avoid in the first place!
This mistake is related to the first behavior because looking too far ahead also means jumping to conclusions WITHOUT any solid evidence.
Some women are in a hurry to size up their guy in an attempt to figure out if he REALLY wants a relationship - or just a one-time fling.
But in their excitement, they get into the bad habit of going through the tiniest of details of their relationship. Every little thing he says or does (OR doesn't do) becomes a clue in this wild goose chase.
Nothing kills the vibe faster than treating the relationship like a CSI crime scene.
I don't know about you, but I prefer the kind of drama that’s on TV - and not in real life.
As a guy who's been on the receiving end of (and helped women overcome) this habit - I can tell you with 110% confidence that you should just accept your fears instead of ACTING on them.
Even if you have the occasional freak-out. We're cool with that.
Once you embrace this attitude, you'll lose the need to agonize over why he didn't add a smiley face to his 'good night' text or his motives for liking that annoying girl's Facebook status.
So allow me to be blunt on this one: If a guy can't see you for your good qualities, then it's on HIM, not you.
You can't force him to behave the way you want. He's already cooked, as I like to say.
Wise man says: "You don't get the chick by smashing the egg."
Like I said, it's a PROCESS.
Get a little Zen here: Instead of standing in the way of it, step aside and LET it happen.
When a seemingly perfect guy drops in your lap, the last thing you want is to do anything that could mess up your chances with him. Again, it's that neurotic fear of the what-if's that drive women to make bad decisions that backfire on them.
One of those decisions include the classic move called: “Changing-your-Facebook-status-to-In-a-Relationship” BEFORE he's confirmed that you are indeed going steady.
I know how awesome it is to effortlessly connect with someone and have endless conversations about life, love, and everything in between. There's something truly magical about meeting a person who seems to understand you inside-out.
As wonderful as it is though, don't let that be a reason for you to tell everyone that you're a legitimate couple BEFORE he acknowledges it in no uncertain terms.
I'm not trying to be a party pooper, but I promise you that he's not going to appreciate a premature announcement.
The same goes for assuming you're already a couple and doing things only an actual girlfriend would.
That includes decorating his medicine cabinet with your feminine products (you get extra points if it's an unpronounceable medication) and unexpectedly dropping by at his office (or at his home *shudder*).
Let me say it again: If he’s the right guy for you, things WILL happen as they should.
And if he's NOT the right guy for you - things will ALSO happen as they should. Just not the way you want.
Yikes - this one takes the cake.
Look, I'll be honest and tell you that nothing strokes a guy's ego more than a woman who devotes a significant amount of her time to us.
It's human nature. OF COURSE we're flattered when our woman makes us a priority in her life.
But to become her ONLY priority in life?
That's a bit scary.
No guy (not the sane ones at least) will act like their partner didn't have her own life before they met. He's NEVER going to expect you to toss ALL your commitments out the window the second you start going out.
You see, when a girl starts losing her own identity and homes in on her man's life, it feels invasive and smothering. Then she'll start expecting him to return the favor and give up all the stuff in his life as well.
Guys don't respond well to that.
Pretty soon, he'll have to come up for air, no matter how incredible the relationship is. It's simply too much pressure.
And if she's persistent enough, he'll need a permanent vacation from her.
Guys have a complex about "catching" women. On one side of the coin, we LOVE working hard for the satisfaction of our woman’s attention and affection.
But on the flip side, we absolutely live for the sweet torture of knowing we can NEVER have ALL of you.
THIS is the crucial ingredient that keeps any guy chasing after his lady.
It's weird I know, but that's just how we're hardwired. Besides, there's nothing rational about attraction and dating anyway. Emotions and desire work by different rules.
If you give up this unique part of yourself, you'll kill the mystery. He'll stop dead in his tracks and give up "the hunt."
I know the stuff we just talked about might seem like you need to AVOID doing a whole lot of things to keep him from pulling away. It might even sound like I'm advocating for you to take a PASSIVE role in your love life.
Now you’re thinking, "Hey, I don't want to just stand aside and leave it to chance. What if he *IS* the one meant for me and blew my chances because I didn't do anything?"
Ooh, that's one that will hurt your noodle.
Well, I'm not about to let you become a victim of your own circumstances. When he reaches the point where he's not as sweet as he used to be and starts pulling away, you don't have to feel helpless.
One way to take an ACTIVE role in your relationship and get what YOU want is by showing a guy that you've got a deep connection to him.
All you need to do is know what a man's Connection Style is to pull him back to you and get his trust in the relationship back to where it once was.
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