Texting seems to be the new battleground of dating these days. And if you've been waiting for a guy to text you back, chances are you're also wondering "Is he waiting for me to text him?"
Even if you're over 30 (as most of the women I coach are) - and you're looking to get married, or just have a passionate love affair - you're probably using text messages to communicate with him. And let's face it, 20 year olds don't need dating advice. (Those young women only really need experience.)
I'm here for the woman who has reached an age where she's serious about her relationships and is ready for her "forever man." And I'm betting that's probably what you want.
What you need to win him is -
And so you don't wait around on him wondering if you should make the first move.
You need some straight facts about how to text men - from a guy.
Sound interesting to you?
Okay, then let's get started!
First - you're probably wondering this:
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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The short answer is, YES - there definitely are rules for texting men. (And when NOT to text men.)
He won't know what to do with that, even if they're positive loving emotions.
Some guys just freeze up like a deer-in-the-headlights when emotions are put in front of them like this.
And to be honest, if you're using texts to say emotions instead of speaking them, that could be a sign of too much fear in your new relationship. That fear will just sabotage the connection you want.
Guys - MATURE guys - will think this is immature and the mark of an unintelligent woman.
Also, if you feel that you need to put emojis or a lot of punctuation in your text message, that probably means you didn't spend a lot of time thinking about how to say what you're trying to say.
As a famous author once said, "Pardon how long this letter is - if I'd had more time, it would have been shorter."
And a related rule is also: Spell out your words, and spell them right!
You still want to look smart - even when texting. A guy is still evaluating you, the same way you're evaluating him. Show him the best possible version of you by putting effort into all your communications. Yeah, even texts!
Women are notorious for wondering if the guy got her text - and then proceeding to keep sending 17 more text messages to him to "make sure." (Yeah, guys do this one occasionally, too.)
Here's a fact: Guys see through the "just wanted to make sure my text got through!" excuse.
Or that extra lame: "Just wanted to say hey!"
Here's another fact: Text messages almost NEVER get lost.
Trust that he saw your text, and he'll respond when/if he wants to.
If you're still in doubt about him, you really should be calling him at some point. Because if he doesn't respond to a phone call or message, you know immediately how he feels about you.
(Which is probably why so few people do this...)
Let's be real for a moment here... A lot of people use texting as a way to avoid confrontation and to take the easy route in communication.
Sure, texting is fast and easy, which means you can send more little itty bitty messages over the course of the day.
In fact, I often ask the women I coach why they're texting him instead of calling him - and I all I get is crickets.
You have to be willing to reach out and invest a little in your communication with a guy. If you're texting him all the time, you're actually holding him back from really connecting with you.
Men ghost women because they feel like they were in love with the IDEA of her more than the reality of her.
So take that step to reach out and talk to him. It's the only way you will ever find out if he's the One for you, too.
Next up - I'll bet you're wondering:
This, friends, is the Million Dollar Question that every woman wants to know.
Generally speaking, you don't want to be the one to text a guy first. Let's go through the reasons why this is so important:
And this means you've lost your "home field advantage." He now knows he doesn't have to really work to attract you. And there's no mystery. So being first does not mean you've sparked his interest.
2. If you text him first, you'll never really KNOW...
Let's be honest, one of the most important things you have going into a relationship with a guy is knowing if he REALLY is into you. If he texts you first and lights the fuse of passion, you know where you stand.
On the other hand, if you light that fuse, even if you start a big romance, you'll always wonder, won't you? Would he have initiated if you hadn't done it?
3. When you get right down to it, texting is really lame...
Look, I hate to be the one that breaks this to you, but there was a time when there was no such thing as texting. I know, crazy, right?I remember those days, and I remember what it was like. People called each other and put some effort into connecting with someone. Now you just have to twiddle your thumbs for a few seconds to create a text - and you never even have to see or hear him while you're doing it!
Sorry, but when it comes to romance, that's just pretty flippin' lame. I don't care how long you thought about what to text him.
It's like when someone shows me a "modern art' painting of a canvas that's been painted completely white. And then they have the nerve to tell me that there's something deep and artistic there. Sorry! There isn't. Nobody likes it when we call this out because defining art is frowned upon these days.
Well, again, sorry. I believe that art should take talent and effort.The same way communicating and creating love should take effort and sincerity.
4. If he can't reach out to text you, he's probably weak...
As in, he's a weak, not-so-courageous man.If you're a guy reading this, that probably stings like hell. And it should! Let's face it, there are a TON of weak men in the world these days.
A man better have the guts to send out a text to you all by himself, or you'll wonder if he's going to stand and protect you when the need arises.Do you want him strong, or weak?
5. When a woman texts him first, it's probably coming from insecurity...
The simple fact is that we don't want to face the idea that we like someone and they're not interested in us. This feels like rejection, for a reason that very few of us can really explain.
After all, is it REALLY rejection? Nope. It's just a difference in taste - and probably timing, too!
Whether or not someone feels attracted to us is totally irrelevant to our TRUE value. Consider this the next time you feel that insecure voice speaking up from within.
The fact is that most people are so fearful to communicate directly and with confidence that they fall into a pattern of using texts to play more games.
If you're over 30 or so, and you're ready to start dating like a responsible adult, you know that you don't want the game playing.
Now, the next question that's likely to come up is this:
Let's start really looking at this situation with some focused text tips you can use...
This is a big question, because it usually brings everything into sharp focus...
Why would a guy wait for you to text him?
Here are some of the reasons:
One of the texts I used to get a lot from women I dated were along the lines of: "Just wanted to say HEY!"
Which always made me scratch my head, because if you are going to take the time to text me, you might want to say more than that. I just thought that was... boring.
And that reveals the truth behind this situation: You need to be better!
Better than what?
These days, every guy in the world has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. Which is to say, he's got a typical guy's attention span. He's going to be distracted by the next shiny thing that comes along, until he's got a reason to really FOCUS on you.
So be more interesting than sending "just wanted to say hey!" when you text a guy. You'll have to think about better texts, but that's not a bad thing.
Guys don't really dig on texting that much. I'll be just as honest and tell you that I don't either.
I only use texting for logistics - asking a question about something, usually. Or just reminding someone of a time or place to meet.
Texting is not where you build a relationship. And guys get this. The same reason men don't have social lives in our phones is because guys intuitively know that online communication is cotton candy. One taste - and it's gone.
We men have a hard enough time communicating emotions from our emotions. Texting adds a whole layer of complexity that we don't want to get too mixed up in.
Guys know that texting just doesn't allow us to communicate clearly.
SECRET: Men HATE being misunderstood by women in a way that triggers her anger. It's one of those things that guys will do ANYTHING to avoid.
Guys are on alert for women that seem to NEED for a relationship in their life. We avoid women who seem desperate to find a relationship.
These are the women that we typically label as "clingy." Even if it's not true, and you're just eager to start a relationship, it feels a bit weird to a guy. It's got that "nervous salesperson" energy to it.
You ever walk down a big city street and someone asks you a question and you just KNOW they're going to try to sell you something? You just sense it and your guard goes up.
THAT'S what it's like for some guys when we detect an eagerness about you that seems out-of-place.
And yeah, this is one of those rules that doesn't have an exception. DON'T text from desperation!
What if he did text you first, and you just saw it hit your phone like fireworks.
Now what? Do you immediately respond?
Most women think way too much about this one, from what I've seen. It's almost like the first opportunity to start playing the "hard-to-get" game - and it's GAME ON!
Again, there's a simple rule to this that I teach my clients:
Well, first of all, she probably wouldn't have NOTICED that text for a couple hours. And then she would have replied with a quick "Oh, sorry, just saw this now... Was out shopping for a fedora for my hamster..."
Okay, maybe not exactly that - but she would have started out with that tiny apology: Sorry, just saw this now...
And then she'd launch into a happy reply text. And not getting all caught up in her head about the PERFECT thing to say.
But what if you just got the text and saw it right away? Should you wait to text? Should you play the "game"?
What would an HDW do in this situation?
She'd just be pleasantly surprised and let that energy fuel her reply message. (Nervous, insecure women tend to infuse a certain level of edginess in their texts.) She wouldn't wait for an hour to "game him." She'd just reply because it was convenient and she had a moment.
But don't reply back to him immediately every time! Go keep yourself busy and stop checking your phone every minute. You're not missing out on anything, trust me.
You see most women get into this situation and they miss the next tip -
No, I don't mean that you should ask him "Where is this going?" - that would be way too creepy.
What I'm saying in this tip is that you have to have an idea where this chain of texts with him is going.
There's really only two goals you want to have in mind with your texting:
That's really it!
You're not trying to create a relationship with him in text messages. Just get him curious and get him to meet up with you again in person.
And if you tell me, "Carlos - this is over-simplifying things!"
I'll tell you, "No, you're just overCOMPLICATING this stuff!"
One of the keywords you should be on alert for is the word "fun."
You see, guys love fun. And he wants to know that you are fun before he's going to get into a relationship with you.
HOWEVER - if all he ever emphasizes about you both in text or otherwise is the "fun," there's a good chance that's all he wants. Which means there's no use in texting him at all, because that's all he's going to want.
You're free to go for the booty call direction, but realize that if you know what he's looking for and choose to keep supplying it, it's not likely that you're ever going to have a relationship.
You can't sneak in the back door of love.
A lot of women think that the way guys work is some kind of "game playing."
QUESTION: Bob is -
A) Playing games with Sheila by not responding
B) Bob is intimidated by Sheila
C) Bob is just doing something else other than texting Sheila at that moment
You probably saw A and your history of this sort of thing made you want to scream out "He's messing with your mind, Sheila! Dump him!"
But when you read C, you realize, "Oh, okay. Maybe he is actually doing something else."
Here's the reality, for anyone who cares to believe it: Guys don't really play mind games. Texting or otherwise.
Women know that they are more savvy to game playing and how it works (probably having played a few "hard to get" games themselves). And that's why women tend to think that when a guy withholds or is aloof that he's playing a "game" intentionally.
Sorry to tell you that guys simply don't do this stuff. Men are just more naturally aloof and distant when it comes to relationships.
You should read that again - because it's the KEY reason most women misunderstand men:
Men do not feel the same drive to commit to a long-term relationship AT THE SAME TIME a woman does.
Notice that I didn't say he doesn't have a drive to commit at all. That's simply not true, and another of those misperceptions about men.
(Just imagine how much you could learn from listening to a guy like me who can tell you what men think and what we want!)
You might think that a guy's silence when texting means something, but it mostly doesn't mean anything.
Men don't place that much importance on texting - or the meaning behind it.
And honestly, that means he probably doesn't really mind if you text him first. He's not waiting; he's just otherwise occupied.
Ultimately, the "rules" about texting come down to one simple idea:
A High-Value woman would just text - or not. And then get on with her life.
We live in a world where we have WAY too much time to think about things that don't add any happiness to our lives.
And by thinking about those things, we steal the happiness FROM our lives!
A Highly Desired Woman (HDW) never seems to have problems with guys - whether it's texting men, or getting them to desire her.
Many women think that these Highly Desired Women are special in some way. That they have a gift, or that they're just unusually "hot."
And nothing could be further from the truth.
These women KNOW how men think - and they understand how men work.
And the best thing is that anyone can learn what she knows!
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