Have you ever asked yourself "Is love at first sight real?"
Is it even possible?
Well, you'd be right to ask, because it's one of the romantic questions of all time. And I intend to answer it for you right here - right now.
For some people - the very phrase makes their eyes roll. As in, Yeah... rrrright.
And for others it's one of the most supremely romantic ideas. One of the things they hope and pray happens to them.
Which one are you?
The question of love-at-first-sight really boils down to this:
Can two people meet, and in just a few minutes discover that they were meant to be together?
I want to start out by explaining a very big and important part of this question up front. And that is that even if love at first sight is real, that doesn't mean that the person you met is the ONLY person for you.
It doesn't have to be love at first sight to mean that the relationship won't be a fantastic and beautiful romance. There are plenty of great relationships out there that didn't start out as a "WOW I FELL IN LOVE RIGHT AWAY" kind of start.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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In fact, if you're waiting for that kind of significant fireworks to tell you you've found "The One," you're setting yourself up for failure. Your prince charming could be wearing denim overalls, and you'll miss him while you're wishing on a star.
Well, let's dive into this topic in detail, because there's more here than meets the eye - literally!
In order to answer that question, we first have to look at a recent study from the Netherlands (Zsok, Haucke, De Wit, & Barelds, 2017).
These researchers asked nearly 400 men and women to complete surveys about potential romantic partners immediately after first encountering those individuals. They were asked how much they would agree with the statement: "I'm experiencing love at first sight with this person."
They were also instructed to report how attracted they felt, as well as their level of passionate interest. They did this online, as well as using pictures, and then finally in person.
Now, the first thing I'm going to tell you is that 400 people is not a very large sample to base a study about the phenomenon of love at first sight between men and women. You don't need to be a scientist to realize that one.
After all, what are the chances that your soulmate is going to be hiding in a group of 200 research subjects? (200 men and 200 women in the study...)
So what did they actually find about this myth of love at first sight between men and women?
First of all -
This one might sound incredible, but it's true. Men typically fall in love faster and harder than women do. A woman will then go along with the story later, if it works out.
The stereotype, after all, points to women being the ones to blurt out "I love you" first, and then desperately asking the guy "Where is this going?" or "What are we?"
The reason for this is in how women evolved over thousands of years. She had to be cautious about who she decided to fall for. He had to be reliable, and not disappear if she got pregnant.
The male, on the other hand, was the hunter and had to "bag his prey" quickly. Some might even say that guys are just lying about this to get a woman in bed, but the truth is that the men really believe their emotions are true.
Which, in my book, means they are true.
Okay, now for the next discovery about love at first sight:
What do I mean by that?
Well, it's easy for people to meet, fall in love later, and then decide to tell all their friends that it was "love at first sight."
The guy starts telling his friends that "he know he was going to marry her the second he saw her." Yes, this is actually something guys say quite a bit, by the way! If you doubt this, go back and re-read the part about men falling in love quicker than women.
I've personally had at least three of my guy friends tell me this exact same thing - that he knew she was The One the second he laid eyes on her.
How is this possible?
This one is probably a "duh" when you hear it, but if you're more attractive, it's more likely that you'll feel that you fell in love on the spot with someone.
In fact, if a person is only one point higher on the classic "one to ten" scale of hotness, then it's NINE TIMES more likely you will fall in love with them at first sight.
BUT it's not guaranteed. Attractiveness is part of a combination - a complete recipe of love that men respond to. I'll talk more about this in a minute.
Love at first sight is rarely experienced by BOTH people at the same time.
When a guy sees a woman as his future wife, she usually just sees someone she'd like to meet and talk to. In fact, it's often the case that she just shrugs and isn't all that interested. (After all, he hasn't presented her with much of a challenge, either.)
In many of these cases, it's only the man's gut feel and willingness to pursue her that makes the relationship grow into a romance - and then love.
The fact is that shared "instant-love" just isn't likely.
And again, it's sometimes the case that the one interested person's feelings are strong enough to re-shape and re-sculpt the other's recollection of how they got together. So they both basically go along with the romantic story.
We often ignore the small things that play a big part of where our lives go. Our destinies are not only intertwined, they are also pointed by the winds of the past.
In other words, we often think that something happening to us in the moment is just that - happening right now. But what got you to this point? What brought you to the place where you met this person?
The fact is that we are all influenced by past relationships, friends, family and relatives, and so much more.
So the occurrence of love at first sight is often a combination of factors. We might want to attribute some "magic" to this moment, but most of it is really a function of our past conditioning and experiences.
So while fate and happenstance may have put you near this person, you also come close to many people every day that you did NOT fall in love with. The difference with this instance would be that you were "primed" to find this person attractive already. And they just happened to fall into your life at the right time.
It's interesting, but many people call the person they've fallen for their "soulmate." Sometimes they describe that person as "The One" for them.
But the "one" is not really the truth when it comes to relationships.
We have many people we can fall in love with - and even have a lifelong love affair with. We only call this person "The One" because they are the one in this moment that we are with. They are also the one we are currently most emotionally addicted to.
But there are many possible partners for every person on this planet. Many people we are not only compatible with but attracted to. It's easy to attribute magical aspects to our romantic lives, but the truth is that it's always a combination of chance, circumstance, and readiness.
As the saying goes:
"When we are ready, they will appear to us..."
Here's another of the not-so-romantic notions. It's been proven that we respond to certain "templates" of facial attraction.
For women, it's a man who has these traits:
These traits are programmed into you in the same way that a woman with bigger hips and boobs is going to trigger a man's instinctive desire.
The fact is that love at first sight doesn't only trigger just because of looks, though. It's more when the person triggers a felt sense of connection.
In reality, we feel much more attraction for a person we perceive has something we lack or need.
For example, I went through a phase of dating where the women I desired were very feminine. I wanted the most loving, caring women. Eventually, I realized that I was trying to make up for nurturing I had not received as a kid.
And, of course, I learned that I needed a balance of nurturing and independence from my partner.
But we can all get caught up in the mad cycle of pursuing our deepest needs, and not even realize that's what's driving us towards a certain partner. Instead, we attribute it to "crazy love" or infatuation - or even love at first sight.
The best thing you can do is to take a good look at your own history and know why you usually chase a certain kind of man - or chase a certain kind of relationship.
Another fact of love is that we like the idea of being swept away by it. Women aren't the only ones, either. Men also like the idea of finding their love and winning her like a prince in a fairy tale - just as much as women want to be the princess.
You're going to find a lot in common with them, which is itself a kind of "trick" of the mind. Mostly because - let's face it - you really want to want this person.
You'll find a whole bunch of things about them to like:
In short, you'll be pre-disposed to want this guy - and even willingly let yourself be seduced by him.
Here's where we're going to have to really explore a bit to understand what's happening at the ground floor of "Love At First Sight."
Most people call Lust "love" - simply because it feels so compelling and strong. And with good reason. In numerous studies of the hormonal effect of love in the brain, they find that the cocktail of chemicals our body release when in lust are as strong as crack cocaine! One of the most addictive drugs.
And long-term love, the kind of love that we always mellow into, is more like Heroin in the bloodstream. Mellower, more addictive, and subtly powerful.
And you may not notice when you're in this kind of love because it doesn't feel as highly charged. But you'll notice when you've been cut off from your supply, I guarantee you!
A few of the qualities of long-term love are:
The fact is that Love (the enduring and deep kind) is simply not present in the first few weeks of knowing someone. If you look at that list, you'll agree that these qualities are not created in a moment of magical eye contact.
Here's another question that might emphasize the difference:
Have you ever felt that electric charge of love-at-first-sight... but then it fizzled or went nowhere?
A lot of those situations we simply forgot about. We felt a huge love charge, but the attraction didn't last. It's only the times that we managed to meet the person and start some kind of a relationship that we label it with the "love at first sight" sign.
What Love at first sight actually appears to be, based on both science and experience, is simply a lightning bolt of attraction that opens us up for the possibility of a relationship. When there's no possibility, we forget that it happened.
Well, most of the time.
You see - love at first sight must evolve - or it will die. It only goes in one of those two directions:
The relationship can only wither away - because neither person knows how to make it blossom into real romantic love...
OR - she knows how to make a soulmate connection with a man.
It's up to you as the woman to create a relationship that stands the test of time.
Most women don't understand men well enough to make sure that she doesn't lose the man she wants.
And very often, she will lose him to another woman because she doesn't get his "connection code."
If you'd like to know more about how to make a man connect with you - and ONLY you - you need to know what his CONNECTION CODE is.
Each and every man you meet has a connection code that is specific to his type.
Do you know what his is? If you don't, there's an 80+% chance he will eventually leave.
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