It's one of the most painful experiences any person can experience, man or woman.
So it should come as no shock that this is one of the most common questions I hear from my readers.
And this question usually comes in one of two flavors:
Q1. How can I get my ex to come back to me?
Q2. How can I get over my ex?
These are obviously two distinctly different questions - and yet they're completely intertwined.
Because the answer to each question is in the other.
Let me explain...
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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If you want to get over your ex, you have to have finally decided that you no longer want them to come back to you.
If you still harbor secret wishes of getting back together, you'll find it nearly impossible to get over your ex.
On the other hand: If you want to get your ex to come back to you, you have to find a way to get over them at the same time.
Because the more you want and need that ex-boyfriend to come back to you, the less likely it is that it will happen.
I don't care if you use the Law of Attraction (LOA) to focus the entire energy of the cosmic plane on this one desire...
No amount of manifestation or concentration will make it happen...
No one comes back to you just because you wish it to happen...
Least of all, a man.
No, a man will come back to you only if he's wondering why you got over him.
And HOW you got over him so quickly.
"Hey, why isn't she still calling me and texting me? Why isn't she begging me to come back to her?"
That doubt we have in us, that speck of insecurity that we all carry is the seed of their curiosity.
And that curiosity is how you get them to come back to you again.
Let's go through these steps:
Oh, I know you've heard this one million and one times.
If you want to get your ex back, you have to start from a place where you don't really NEED that relationship.
Because when you need the other person, you can't act with any kind of backbone or posture.
You'll cave at the first opportunity or opening you see, and your eagerness will scare them off.
IMAGINE: Your ex calls you up out of the blue and asks to see you tonight...
If you can't seriously see yourself telling your ex: "Hmmm... I don't know if we can meet up. I'm pretty busy. Let me get back to you on that..."
More likely: "YES! WHEN? right now? You name it! I'll be there!"
You see how that urgency makes you needy?
The only way your ex will probably entertain the option is if you can lower your panic.
Which brings us to the next step:
The number one thing that stops couples from getting back together is the level of anxiety that comes with getting dumped.
Trust me, I know it well. I once called my ex back 7 times in an evening to tell her that I "got it" and would give her some space.
Yeah, that didn't work out so well for me. She basically had to scream at me to stop &$#@ calling her!
What's happening here is that you're going through a form of brain-hormone withdrawal. When you're in love and attached to someone, your brain and body releases a ton of feel-good hormones.
And when you break up, those chemicals are cut off. That's when you feel that sweaty panic start to hit your system.
And it's a huge downward spiral from there...
You have to be able to shut off those panic alarms in your head that go off when your "love drugs" get cut off.
No, it's not easy, but it's absolutely necessary if you want to avoid sending an escalating set of texts that illustrate your panic:
- Hey, you there? It's Lynne...
- Hey, it's been 7 minutes, can you text me back?
- Oh my god, where ARE you? Are you giving me the silent treatment?
- Funny how a guy gets laid and then never wants to talk to me again. But MY mistake.
- Take care, Kevin. Have a great life. DELETE MY NUMBER
- I don't have any friends, and now you're breaking up with me... FINE. I hate myself...
- Really want to wish you the best of luck... You're a good man. I don't know why you'd want to be stuck with me...
- So I guess you're not going to talk to me? Please talk to me... I messed up... I love you... don't go...
And it gets more and more embarrassing as emotions spiral wildly out of control. Like a hurricane of hurt.
You have to be able to stop this madness before you lose control and do something crazy.
The best way is to simply have a trusted girlfriend you can call if or when things get emotional.
She can talk you down from the ledge and keep you from making a potentially horrific mistake like the one-sided text rant.
Once you've regained control and know you can live without this guy, most of the time you will probably just choose to let him go on his way.
- He wasn't so fantastic after all...
- There are better fish out there...
- You were wasting your time looking for a commitment from him...
But it's also possible that you will consider taking him back, but now you're more relaxed about the whole situation. There's no need to panic anymore.
Now you are in the position of power!
You can choose whether or not to try again with him.
And this will make him more interested and involved in you than before - because you won't be in that position of need and hurt anymore.
But if you want to really hold your own in your relationship - you need to know exactly how to connect with a man. At the deepest level.
But to do that, you gotta know his Connection Style. ALL men have this, and there are a total of FIVE WAYS a guy connects with his partner.
This is a CRUCIAL piece of the puzzle that will help you crack the code behind a man's behavior. I've got a video that explains this in greater detail.
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