Relationship problems... Everybody's got a few - and some people have more than others.
And sometimes they come back to haunt you.
If you've ever asked your friends for help, you know that the advice you get from them is often sketchy at best.
They mean well, but when it comes right down to it - you don't want to risk losing your man because of a small mistake.
And very often we find ourselves taking advice from someone who doesn't really have their own relationship together, either.
The key to solving relationship issues is to know why they happen - and HOW to fix them ... FAST.
Because if you don't feel like you've got the skills to tackle these problems, it's more likely you won't do ANYTHING at all. Most people would prefer to do nothing rather than take a risk of making a mistake that could lead to a breakup.
And unfortunately, a habit of not handling your problems right at the start is more likely to mean failure in the long run.
So I'm going to give you 3 essential tips for how you can put your relationship on the right track and get it moving again.
We're not looking to point the finger of blame here. After all, if you just label everything as his fault, you're never going to find a solution that works.
The most successful relationships all have some common patterns to them. As they say, success leaves clues. I'll give you some of those clues - and the most successful strategies - right here.
So let's get started with...
How To Fix Your Relationship: #1 - Avoid the Four Relationship Wreckers
There are four kinds of relationship wreckers that will destroy the connection with your man, and you have to watch out for them.
They sneak in and ruin your relationship like gremlins that were sent on a mission.
Here are the Wreckers:
Relationship Wrecker 1: Keeping your defensive shields up
When you have your defensive shields up all the time, you will respond to your relationship problems by counter-attacking him. Sometimes using whining to make your point.
When you're criticized, your first response is to defend yourself - which is only natural.
But if you do this all the time, you'll ignore the step of taking responsibility for your part of the issues.
What? You're not responsible?
It's all HIM?
Hmm. You should probably rethink that.
Relationship Wrecker 2: Criticizing him
This is when you blame the problem on your man's personality or his character.
Women tend to do this one much more than men, by the way.
So you should be extra cautious how you pull out the "It's because he's lazy!" or "We wouldn't have this problem if he made more money" blame cards.
You want to start a conversation that addresses a relationship problem gently so you don't trigger criticism - AND you won't trigger Wrecker 1 - his defensiveness.
Relationship Wrecker 3: Contempt
This one is huge. There have been studies where scientists reviewed the facial expressions of people in couples therapy, watching for a particular expression that would generally indicate the health of a relationship.
They've found ONE particular expression that actually predicted with almost 95% accuracy if a relationship would fail.
Want to know what that expression is?
The dreaded eye roll.
As in "Oh my gosh, can you believe this?" kind of eye roll.
That expression is an indicator of contempt, which is when we act like we're a better person than our partner is. It can also be demonstrated by talking down to him, or acting superior or insulting.
(And believe it or not, this attitude also indicated how many times that person would get sick over the next few years.)
Beware this insidious relationship wrecker.
Relationship Wrecker 4: Tuning him out.
This is when you've shut down the listening and stopped really hearing what he's saying. It's when you've basically started ignoring him, and it's one of the final stages of a relationship.
Most of the time, the guy is the one guilty of stonewalling. It's usually because he no longer feels connected in the relationship, and it signals either his departure - or worse: his infidelity.
Okay, so now you know what destroys a relationship. Now let's talk about how to save it...
Fix Your Relationship Strategy 1: Understand him
Women like to think they know men, but most don't really know what a man's motivations are.
At least, they usually don't understand the most important part of him that leads to success and a long-term commitment.
Most of men's behavior gets a one-dimensional label, like creepy, sexist, misogynist, etc. If you want to bypass this and get to real understanding, you have to know where his behaviors come from.
You have to understand a man's emotional love map. It's like a street map, only this map tells you how a man experiences love. And what he wants from you and your relationship.
This involves talking about deep personal stuff on a daily basis.
If you want to be shocked, consider this: Most couples with kids spend only about a half-hour each week talking.
That's only 30 minutes. Most people spend 5 times that watching TV *each day*!
It's easy to lose track of planning your complicated week and using that stuff as a substitute for real conversation with him.
So you need to create a very detailed emotional model of your man's world.
- What makes him happy?
- What makes him sad?
- What things make him afraid?
- What does he want from our relationship?
- How can I help him get more of what he wants in life?
When you can really hear him and understand his emotional map of the world, you'll create a whole new level of connection and commitment with him.
Relationship Repair - Strategy 2: Watch for 'attention grabbers.'
We are always trying to get attention from our partner or spouse, in little ways - every single day.
This back and forth of attention is what tells us we're connected to the one we love. It's like a subtle emotional heartbeat that tells us the health of our love.
Usually this bid for attention comes in the form of a comment or observation you make. You say something and you want them to respond.
It might go something like this:
HIM: "That new guy at work is really driving me nuts."
HER: "Mmmm." Continues reading magazine.
HIM: Crosses arms, leaves room. Tries to think of where else he can get that attention.
After a while in a relationship, you start to become numb to many of these attempts for attention.
Sometimes we are tired of a topic the other person brings up; sometimes we just don't see these attempts for what they are.
But the fact is that if you want a successful partnership - one with lasting strength - you have to respond to these attention grabbers closer to 80-90% of the time.
Remember that your relationship is a bank account.
You need to keep a constant flow of deposits going in to keep the balance high. Because there will come plenty of times when you will need to make a withdrawal.
And we make those emotional withdrawals way more frequently than we like to admit.
You never want your relationship bank account to go into overdraft, or you'll start to feel the stress and disconnection from the man in your life.
And finally we have:
Relationship Repair - Strategy 3: Keep him on a pedestal.
The most successful relationships all show similar patterns of behavior. And this one is particularly true.
The couples who had the happiest and strongest relationships all held their partner in high regard.
In plain language, they still ADORED them. They even sounded a bit wacky when talking about them, like they kind of ... worshipped them.
They saw them as being BETTER than they actually were.
In contrast, the other couples, the ones that failed most of the time, saw their partners as WORSE than they actually were.
So you need to focus on the things that drew you into the relationship in the first place. Find those things that made you think he was your own personal hero.
If you want to know how your relationship is right now, just have someone ask you one question: "What's the story of your relationship?"
And then listen to what comes out of your mouth next.
If the story you tell minimizes the negatives and enhances the positives, you're probably on a solid foundation. Just keep up the good work.
But if it's the opposite - if you dwell on the negative stuff that happened - and what a screwup that guy is, and how he never does this, and he's like a little kid that you have to poke and prod and push all the time...
Well, then you should pause and consider where you might be headed.
Things that start out negatively tend to continue down that path. Relationships are almost never "neutral."
They're positive... or they're negative.
Ultimately you need to nurture gratitude instead of resentment. Love instead of mistrust.
If you want to make love last, you have to get past the problems and build a story of your relationship that paints an awesome and positive future.
Otherwise, your subconscious is reviewing your Story every night, wondering when you're going to finally close that book.
The best skill you can have in a relationship is the ability to create a "cascade effect" with your partner.
What is the "cascade effect"?
It's the ability to turn your story around from a negative one to a positive one. It's how you create an avalanche of love and devotion from a man, without worrying about all the issues that happen in most relationships.
You'll keep him close - closer than he's ever been with another person...
You'll keep him faithful - unlocking his trust and devotion....
You'll get him to commit - to bond with you, for life if that's your desire...
The way you get a man to really connect with you is by getting him to connect on a deep and emotional level with you.
What most women don't know is that every guy has his own Connection Style which is as unique as his personality.
Learning this is the key to unlocking his heart and make him put it all on the line FOR YOU.
To help you create that unbreakable connection with your man, I've got a presentation showing you exactly how to do this.
Click HERE to get started - see you there...