It's probably pretty obvious but there are things you should never say to a guy. Some things are better left unsaid when all is said and done.
There is a better way...
One of the questions I ask all of my newsletter subscribers is, "What have you said to a man that you regretted?" And it's one of the most popular emails I send out, because I almost always get a response.
We've all said something in a relationship that we regretted. And we wish we could take it back.
I'm in saving you some of the trouble right now by helping you understand a few of the things you never want to say to a man.
Don't say this to him: “It's no big deal. It happens to everyone.”
Of course we're referring to the inevitable failure in bed. Which is one thing a man doesn't want to experience. He never wants to let you down.
We know your heart is in the right place when you say this, but it is still a huge blow to a man's ego to fail in this one department. Everything a man feels about his own masculinity can be destroyed in a moment when he just can't get it up.
And when a woman tries to brush this embarrassing event aside quickly to avoid the discomfort and awkwardness, the comment doesn't land well in his brain.
Instead, focus on giving him physical affection and attention.
Chances are he's just anxious about performing. And once his thinking gets out of the way, his feelings can come to the front.
And everything will rise after that.
Don't say this to him: “What's the big deal? It's just a game.”
To you, he might seem like he's getting excited over nothing. After all it's just a football game, right?
You don't need to always understand...
But to him it's a lot more than that. And if his girlfriend or wife tries to squash his expression of excitement and enthusiasm, he feels like he's being scolded like a little boy.
As a counselor, I often see women that do this because she's uncomfortable with a man's powerful emotional expression.
It can be frightening to a woman who may not see the emotional side of him very often.
His emotions might come out as anger, or exuberance. A lot of men's emotions express with a lot of power.
Many women try to manage a guys emotions to avoid the "bad ones" and bring out the "good" ones.
Or, she might be jealous of the fact that he responds emotionally to his sports but not her. (I've had to counsel many couples who get into a fight because that's how the woman wants to feel that he has feelings for her in the relationship - as much as his football or basketball.)
Just realize that to him it's a big deal. The same way it's a big deal to you when a woman makes a sly, sassy comment about you or your appearance.
Don't say this to him: “You have to choose between __ or __ .”
You may not recognize it, but this is a form of ultimatum. You're making him choose between two things, which may not be mutually exclusive. Meaning that on their own they don't need to push each other out of your relationship.
Don't set yourself up to fail.
Sometimes a woman get so fed up with her situation that she just declares that he has to choose between her or something that seems to be pushing her away. Maybe it's his Sunday afternoon football, or his mom, or the car he's fixing up in the garage.
It's important to note that even if you get him to choose you over the other thing, you will only create resentment. You don't want a boyfriend that gives up something he loves because it seems to be taking time away from you.
Much better is if you can become part of his hobbies and interests. There is space and room for everything in relationships.
Be very careful about making an ultimatum in your communication. He will not hear that message well.
Things to never say to him: “Does this __ make me look fat?”
That could be your outfit, your jeans, your yoga pants, whatever.
Whatever you feel uneasy about, don't put him in the middle of your internal insecurity conversation.
It's a trap!
Make up your mind about how you feel about your own weight first. Then decide if you care about it, or if his opinion will really make you feel better.
Every woman has moments where she feels a little insecure. Do your best not to pass that moment on to him.
This also goes for any time you ask the question “Do you think she's pretty?” It's a no win situation, and you're setting him up to fail.
Things to NEVER say to a guy: “Your friend is so cool…”
Under no circumstances should you compliment his friends much the first time you meet them. You can say they are "interesting" or "cool" as a group. But don't ever pick one out as a favorite, or that you may have even found attractive. (Oh, yeah. C'mon! It happens!)
Later on you can tell him that you like Steve or Joe or Gary. But initially he will be very insecure about you leaving him for another man. He won't say it, but he will be highly sensitive to it.
Yes, men can be very insecure about their own status. His friends are best to just hang out with and demonstrate that you're just a cool friend.
And if he asks you what you think of one of his friends, he may be kind of setting you up. Just say you like them all, kind of matter of fact.
That's your safest bet.
Things to never say to a guy: Comparing him to your ex boyfriend. (or husband)
Here is another minefield that you must never get into.
Totally different things...
Comparing a man is like questioning his status and value.
Again, just imagine if you compare you to one of his exes. It would be painful.
No man wants to think that he has to measure up to someone else's example. He wants to believe that you picked him for his unique qualities.
As always, if you find yourself comparing him to someone else, try and figure out what you think doing this to him would accomplish. Just ask yourself if you think what you're about to say will make the change you want.
Or are you just acting out of frustration because you're refusing to let go of a relationship that you probably shouldn't be in?
Yes that's going to sound harsh, but it's usually the reason that women find themselves in these verbally heated relationships. If you find yourself using violent communication, that it's very likely the anger isn't so much with him as it is with your situation.
Simply resolve to fix it and move on.
Never say to a man: Any retaliation in order to hurt him.
In the emotional heat of an argument or conversation with a guy, you may feel the urge to lash out at your partner.
Maybe he said something really insensitive. Have you ever said something like that to a friend of yours? Of course you have.
But the point here is that YOU must stay in control and keep your reason at all times. It is brutally easy to take the cheap shot and insult his masculinity or some other part about him that you know he's sensitive about.
(You don't just bruise his ego when this happens. You plant a seed of resentment and contempt.)
And if you do let yourself take the cheap insult, that's one of the ways that you destroy your bond and he will run for the safety of another relationship.
Never say this to a guy: ANY insult in public
If you've ever felt so frustrated with him that you needed to speak "your truth" in public about him, you're not alone.
But I'm also not saying that's a good idea.
Imagine how you'd feel if it were you.
Just like being careless with your words in private, the number one thing you can say to a guy that will turn him into a silent ticking time-bomb is if you insult him in front of other people.
He may even let you get away with it. But ultimately, he will leave you. Because you've demonstrated he can't trust you to help him keep up his self image.
He will never feel safe around you again. One harsh word of insult destroys months of connection building.
Trust me when I tell you this is one of those lines you never want to cross!
Never tell a guy this: “You should get back to the gym.”
Enough said here. For the same reason I'm sure you would never want to hear him say this to you either.
Never say this to a man: No heavy conversation in text!
This one is a rule that is being broken every single day by countless men and women everywhere. You use your smartphone as an intimacy communicator.
Lost in the shuffle...
And sometimes you may even want to have a war of words with someone. Mostly because it's less confrontational and uncomfortable for you to use texts instead of face-to-face communication.
But you should resist this temptation to take the quick and easy way out. Texting will make your emotional message misunderstood, in all likelihood.
Even if you're only telling him information, or asking him about an emotional topic, you should NEVER do this in a text message.
Inevitably one of two things will happen:
He will text something to you that sounds hurtful or insensitive
He will text something to you that you misinterpret as hurtful or insensitive
In either situation, you could say that he was baited into it. And so were you!
The biggest problem with texting is that your messages don't carry any subtlety or emotional tone. It's hard to read what's actually going on inside the words you send in a text message.
If you've ever been misunderstood on Twitter or anywhere else online, where no one understood what you are thinking or feeling, then you know what I mean.
Never NEVER ever say this to a man: “Shut up”
You really shouldn't say that to anyone. It's one of the most rude things to say, even when you're doing it jokingly.
This is one phrase that is illegal in my relationship and within my family.
Telling someone to "shut up" is verbal abuse. And you should never tolerate it from anyone else either.
Don't ever say this to a guy: “Your parents are (anything bad)”
Look, I get it, just about everyone knows some parents that suck. There's a bunch of them out there.
However, even if your boyfriend's parents do suck, you should never speak ill of them. There is a deep emotional bond there that transcends the relationship he may have with them.
It's just a general negative way to discuss his mother or father.
If you do have issues, do your best to work through them with him. And, if his parents are really bad, you might want to consider if he is worth having to deal with that for the rest of your life.
Parents can be deal breakers for a girl!
Please never say this to a guy: “We need to talk.”
This is another one of those phrases that immediately activates a man's anxiety. When a man's anxiety is turned on, the most likely response is him ghosting you. Guys just pull away from conversations they don't want to have.
The reason “we need to talk” is so activating is because men feel like they are being called on the carpet. It's like having to answer to his parents all over again.
Do you really need to talk?
He literally feels like he has to go to court to defend himself in a civil case. And the likely sentence for his crime will probably be: No sex!
That may sound kind of silly to you, but that's precisely the experience a man is having inside.
If you need to have a conversation with them, don't tell him about it in advance. That is not gonna make it any better.
First, ask yourself why you needed to tell him “we need to talk” in advance.
Was it to express your own frustration and anger?
Was it to subtly imply that you hold the power? The upper hand?
Was it to correct him and see if you could get him to apologize?
Whatever the reason, pledge to never use this phrase with him again. The best way to get him to talk to you is to not scare him away before you have that conversation.
And of course, bring up the subject compassionately. When he learns he can feel safe talking to you, then he won't be as likely to run for the hills.
It can be tricky to talk to men without him reacting or withdrawing from you.
You have to know what to say to him to get him to do what you want them to do. Let's be honest, very few women know how to do that.
Words are essential when it comes to communicating with men. So make sure using the right one for the right situation with him.
If you don't, it could mean more distance or even a breakup.
If you'd like to learn my simple scripts for talking to men - exactly what to say and when to say it to him - you need to know the Passion Phrases.
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