What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

By: Carlos Cavallo

What is a man thinking when he pulls away from you?

  • Is he thinking about the relationship?
  • Is he thinking about another woman?

What exactly goes through a man's mind when he pulls away from the relationship? That's what were going to investigate here.

The truth is going to surprise you. Very often a woman will assume that when a guy starts putting space in the relationship that he is falling out of love or closing his heart.

what men think when they pull away What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

What is he thinking...?

The real reasons that his feelings seem to have changed has to do with the different stages of commitment that a man goes through. Not all guys pull away because they're falling out of love.

However, the unfortunate part is that many times a woman will break the connection because her fear tells her: He is pulling away! Quick - get him back!

The critical part of understanding men and how they handle relationships is knowing that not everything points to a problem.

SECRET #1 About Men That Are Pulling Away: It's more about how YOU respond to him

The truth is that a man can pull away for a variety of reasons. There are things going on in his emotions that he may not have the words to explain. And all you see is the behavior.

One reason men pull away is that it's an instinctual response. This is a behavior that has been going on for hundreds and even thousands of years. All over the world, women have experienced distance in their dating relationships.

Ask any woman and you'll find that she's had this experience of a guy growing distant.

The fact that this is SO common tells us that it's probably a part of every man's masculinity. It's a built-in response!

When men get to the place where they are going to either fall in love with you or move on, he has to retreat for a little while. 

what a man thinks when he needs break What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

Poof! He's gone...

Sometimes this might look like ghosting - when he stops text messaging you or disappears.

His silence might even look like unhappiness.

But once he has a question in his mind about committing to you, he will stop and reflect. He has to make a decision about whether or not your relationship will work.

So what a man does is he retreats so that he can stop, focus, and make sense of what's going on.

Anything you say to him it feels like pressure at this point will only make the situation worse. So while he's pulling away to think about your relationship, he's also watching to see how you handle it.

  • Are you going to panic?
  • Are you going to assume this is the end? That heartbreak is up ahead?
  • Will you jump on social media and make a scene?
  • Will you send him 35 text messages to calm down the butterflies in your stomach?
  • Will you immediately jump to conclusions and start analyzing all the problems?
  • Are you going to let low self-esteem freak you out?

Will you have the patience to give him time so he can figure out his feelings?

In a way, when he pulls away it's kind of a test to see if you can handle it. If you become needy or have an insecure reaction, like freaking out in your texts, he may pull back as a way to control his own fears and thoughts.

Hint: one of the best things you can do in your communication is not ask too many questions or look for too many answers. Just keep your own happiness under control. You can't make your boyfriend come back with pressure.

SECRET #2 About Guys That Are Cold & Distant: Men need occasional distance to feel masculine

One of the little-known secrets about men is that we feel a lot of stress being when we're around women too much. Women have the same feeling about men, but women can usually handle it better.

dating relationship article why men pull away What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

He needs to BE...

When we're around friends, and people we know, it's different. But when a man is with a woman for too long, he wants to exercise his freedom. He may even want to engage with his hobbies, like playing video games, as an escape from something that isn't naturally comfortable to him.

What he's thinking is that his masculine identity is in jeopardy. It doesn't mean it really is, he just thinks he feels this way. The same way a woman might feel hurt from an innocent question from a man.

What's happening is he may be thinking the intensity of intimacy is too powerful. Men are not equipped to handle too much emotional content.

So when a man cools off, you sense his withdrawal, he has less interest in sex. And what he's doing is seeking more independence from the relationship.

It doesn't mean he wants to leave, mind you. That's the mistake many people make that ruins their chances at becoming a couple.

SECRET #3 About Men That Withdraw: Sometimes he has to get back to his own goals and pursuits

He may not feel like he's on top of his work, or situation with his family, or that he's been giving enough attention to his friends.

He may even have financial issues that have nothing to do with you. He just knows he has to give his own life a bit more focus.

Men are much more about doing and accomplishing. This gives him a feeling of self-worth and shows him that he does matter.

Once he's done taking steps to regain his perspective, he'll be back. You only have to respect his process.

SECRET #4 About A Guy Pulling Away From You: The best strategy is to expect that he WILL pull away.

Right from the very start, you should expect a man to reach a point in the relationship where his instinct will make him withdraw from the relationship.

Just accept this right off the bat.

The reason you want to do this is that it actually probably will happen. And when it does, you don't want to be freaked out or panic.

And if it doesn't happen, in that case there's no harm and no foul, as they say. You were ready for whatever might happen.

11 What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

But I can pretty much guarantee you that if he's an independent and normal guy, he will absolutely at some point in your relationship pull away to deal with his own emotions.

The shock to you is that you always think that this is a signal of the end of the relationship. It's NOT!

The interesting fact is that many women pull away in relationships, too. But they do it in a slightly different way.

Some women get their own distance by pushing HIM away!

SECRET #5 About Men That Grow Distant: It's a defense mechanism

Maybe you have an argument with your man. He might think that you're planning to break up with him.

So what does he want to do?

He wants to protect himself. He may pull back just to keep himself safe.

Frequently men pull away to protect themselves and their emotions. Especially if he feels like he's getting in over his head.

And I'll tell you a little secret here: Most men feel incompetent at relationships as compared to women. We don't feel like we are as skilled at dealing with relationship issues.

So you can expect that a man will withdraw when he feels unsafe and needs to protect himself.

SECRET #6 About Men Who Run Away: He's avoiding intimacy and creating self-sabotage

Let's be real here and talk about reality.

There is always a possibility that a man is avoiding an emotional connection with his girlfriend, and self sabotaging to break up. He may do this to avoid a committed relationship with his partner.

article reasons why men pull away What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

He may be scared...

The truth is though that very few men actually do this. Most men are eager to keep the relationship going.

But the reality is that he may not have the skills to do it. What a man feels attraction, he rarely understands it. He thought he could handle it, but maybe he couldn't.

My best advice for you if you know you're involved with a man like this is to point him towards a therapist. And then you should move on. You could waste half your life trying to fix him.

That's not your job!

SECRET #7 About Guys You Think Are Pulling Away: He's a commitment-phobe who wants to stay single...

This secret is kind of related to the previous one. Sometimes a guy who just wants to be single and enjoy the physical intimacy without the emotional intimacy will simply pull away when he's had enough.

Yes, he is a red flag relationship!

what men think when pulling away from relationship What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

Warning! Warning!

And if you're fairly sure you're in a relationship with a commitment-phobic guy, LEAVE.

Just walk away!

Don't even attempt to change him or his interests in a relationship. Don't cling or rationalize. Don't make excuses just because you feel insecure without a relationship.

When a man give you the signs that he's not ready, you must move on.

No matter how good of a woman you are, you'll never be good enough for a man who isn't ready.

SECRET #8: Don't doubt yourself

Another easy mistake to make is to lose sight of your own value. You might get the idea that his pulling away is a reflection on you somehow.

When a man pulls away, it's something to do with him.

Sometimes no amount of effort on your part can turn him into a good partner.

As a relationship expert, I've also had my struggles with partners who weren't ready for me. Sometimes that created doubt inside me.

  • Wasn't I good enough?
  • Wasn't I worth loving?

It can be hard to find the right meaning when someone raises your expectations and then leaves you. You have to have a firm grip on your own value.

SECRET #9: Solitude is always better than being in the wrong relationship

If he is pulling away, and he doesn't intend to break up with you, you should remember that clinging to him and hoping he will desire you and chase you is a bit delusional.

It's even better that you remember that you are perfectly fine alone.

reasons men grow cold distant pull away  What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

Beauty in grace...

Yes, it's true. There is no need to jump into relationships - or feel like you're "less than" because you're not in one now.

Ironically it's when you remember this - and you start to behave as if you remember this - that he starts to become interested again. He won't feel waves of needy energy.

He may not come back right away, but he will come back MUCH faster than if you try to push him.

SECRET #10: Get a grip on your anxiety

Yes, you heard me right.

Very often when a man pulls away it not only shows how disconnected from you he was in the first place, this also shows you that you were feeling incredibly anxious the whole time anyway.

There are  two primary attachment styles in relationships:

  1. Avoidant - this is the type of style that most men carry. He's more likely to avoid a relationship because of his own emotional issues than a woman would. Men are reluctant to jump too quickly into any relationship.
  2. Anxious - this is the style that most women carry. A woman is more likely to feel hypersensitive about the status of her relationship from moment to moment. Women are more eager to jump into committed relationships.

A woman's natural state is usually 'on alert' to threats against her relationship.

If you think about this in terms of evolution, this makes sense. Most situations that threaten a woman's primary relationship also threatened her survival throughout history. If she didn't have personal protection for her and her children, she wasn't likely to survive.

It's only within the last few hundred years that we've gotten away from this evolutionary model where women can live more independently from men. It's a primary difference between the genders.

And it's only happened in the last 50 years - as compared to hundreds of THOUSANDS of years of evolution.

03 What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

So - if you notice your mood fluctuates frequently, you're very hesitant and anxious about your love interest, perhaps even feeling health challenges and fears of abandonment…

If you notice these signs and red flags, there's a good chance you have relationship anxiety. And you probably have an anxious attachment style in relationships.

Insecurity is a challenge for many women. 

If you notice this pattern in your own relationships, seek out a counselor or therapist. It's the fastest way to get past this problem.

Because the truth is that this will haunt you in every single relationship you have until you take care of it.

There are no shortcuts. There is no way to fool a man into thinking you got yourself together if you don't.

Confidence is much easier to gain than you might imagine.

A high level of relationship anxiety is one of the main reasons a man will pull away from your relationship.

SECRET #11: Beware Your Biases

Men and women have different approaches to life in some ways. This is fairly obvious to any of us who have been in a relationship or experienced the opposite gender.

Because men and women have slightly different outlooks, we see the world slightly differently.

FOR EXAMPLE: Most men lean more heavily into sports. It's not that women aren't interested in sports, but men are very driven to compete and follow sports.

This means he will likely have a competitive edge to him.

article why men pull away from women What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

What biases!?

Women on the other hand are much more collaborative. Not as much competition in the traditional sense. (But as you know women are very competitive with each other!)

So these biases will color our perception. We will see the world slightly differently through the lens of our masculinity or femininity.

Just think about all the times you've tried to communicate in conversation with a man and he doesn't GET what you're saying. But it's perfectly obvious to you, and even your girlfriends.

It should be plain to see that men and women don't always see things the same way. And yet we always seem to get angry or confused when it actually appears in our conversations and interactions.

So always remember that you have a certain filter in how you see the world. It's kind of like wearing orange tinted glasses. After a while you don't realize that everything is orange, it just looks normal.

If you remember this, you'll be more patient in your communication.

SECRET #12: The secret to keeping a man close to you…

There is a way you can keep a guy from pulling away. You can stop his tendency to withdraw from the relationship.

It all comes down to understanding.

A man that feels understood feels SEEN. He feels like someone GETS him. Which is pretty rare experience for most guys.

But because it's rare he also knows it's valuable.

Truthfully, most women don't really understand men today.

understand men why they pull away What A Man Is Thinking When He Pulls Away

The wisdom of women...

It used to be that women were taught how men think and behave by their mothers. And women also learn about men by watching their parent's dynamic in the home.

But we live in an age where many families had a divorce. And sometimes a breakup of the family unit.

Keep in mind that in the last 30 years or so, most mothers and fathers haven't even been home most of the time. They had to go out and make a living for the family.

So many changes to the family dynamic have left us ignorant about how men and women get along.

The true secret to keeping a man close to you is simply understanding him better than he understands himself.

Which, honestly, is not very hard. Not hard at all!

When a man feels safe near you - and understood - he knows how rare and precious this is. He won't want to lose that kind of connection.

It will even become a refuge for him in difficult emotional times.

  • Do you know how to make a man feel safe with you?
  • Do you know how to make him feel understood?
  • Do you actually understand how men think and feel?

If you don't, then it's time to find out.

Trying to have a relationship without understanding how relationships work is like trying to play a game without knowing any of the rules. Most likely you will not win.

The best part is that you can get this understanding quickly and easily. In fact, it can be downloaded right into your brain.

What you need is a man who can explain how men think to you. And who can explain how men feel in relationships.

(Enter: Carlos!)

And if you're trying to win a man back into your arms and your relationship, I have something that Is guaranteed to help you...

The fastest way to start understanding man is to take my short quiz here:

Find out if you can win him back…

Carlos Cavallo's Dating Advice Guru Relationship Tips For Women
Carlos Cavallo - Dating Advice For Women

Carlos Cavallo Dating and Relationship Guru

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