This is probably the most important part of the process. If you're missing your ex, the last thing you want to do is to rush things or lose your cool.
There are a ton of different emotions you will experience when you're cut off from the love of your boyfriend. Or even your husband.
Anger, confusion, sadness, shock...
Your nervous system goes through a big shakeup when there is a breakup.
Of course you'll go through a lot of pain, and at the same time will probably be overwhelmed with feelings of wanting to be with him and connect with him again.
He may even be considering coming back to you during this time period. The big risk is that you will say something or do something that might freak him out during this time and push him away by mistake.
So you have to exercise your self-control during this time.
Stay patient and don't let your emotions get the better of you. One of the best things you can do is to have a friend you can call and talk to when things become overwhelming.
TIP #2: Opportunity Might Show Up
And while this is happening, if you notice any of your guy friends show up to console you, there's a good chance he's been interested in you for a while and is taking his opportunity.
A lot of guys watch and wait in the wings for a woman they desire, especially while she is in another relationship.
So don't ignore the fact that you may find some of your male friends suddenly showing more interest in you. He is seizing the opportunity.
Why not take a chance and see what might be there?
TIP #3: Everything Is Biological
The reality of love is that there are a lot of hormones in your body that distort your thinking. Most people aren't aware just how much the reality is twisted when they're under the influence of love and infatuation.
Your biology is set up so that when you find someone you are physically compatible with, your brain floods you with tons of chemicals to get you to mate with them.
I know in our current age of reason we don't like to think we are subject to these primitive forces, but we are. And we have to recognize them.
You know that tingly, rushing euphoric feeling you get when you meet someone you're really attracted to?
Well, that powerful magnetism isn't a magical mystical force of the universe. It's those hormones - and that's how powerful they are.
So when this guy left, he put you into withdrawal. That's right, you're suffering from going cold turkey in your love addiction.
Essentially, he was a habit. And love is a habit that's hard to break.
So go easy on yourself. Recognize that it's perfectly normal for you to feel this way. If you fight these feelings, you'll probably only have a harder time.
When you're able to sit in the same room with your discomfort, you will have achieved the highest level of human maturity. It's something that most people simply cannot do.
When you got together with this guy, and you probably did time after time after time, you were manufacturing a small addiction to him in your life. So you have to allow that it will take some time for him to wash out of your system. To get "clean."
But you can do it!
And trust that when you do, you'll have a new perspective - where you might wonder what all the fuss was about.
TIP #4: Everything Is Cyclic
You probably even noticed that your feelings of anxiety, sadness, confusion, freedom - they all come in cycles. You have up days and down days.
The best thing you can do is recognize this in advance. When you know that you might have a down day, you can plan for it.
Likewise, if you have a good day, this is probably when you should remind yourself of all the reasons why you might not want to be in that relationship.
Maybe it was unhealthy
Maybe he was a bit of a jerk
Maybe you two weren't very compatible
Maybe it's for the best
Maybe you have a chance in the future...
But right now, just realize your brain will go through ups and downs as it gets used to not having him around. You may have to go around on this roller coaster a few times before it starts to get better.
Have faith that it will.
TIP #5: Get your life back in focus
One thing is for sure- you need to put yourself back on top of the priority list. And one of the best ways to do that is to focus on your friends, your family, your happiness.
Chances are, you may have neglected some of your friendships and relationships while you were in a relationship with him. Now is the time for you to rebuild those friendships and connections.
While you are rebuilding this foundation, you can take your time figuring out what to do next.
Maybe you two should get together again. Maybe you shouldn't...
But the only place to make a good decision about that is when you are tied into your network of love and connection.
TIP #6: Don't Call Him Or Text Him
You've probably heard about the "no contact rule." Basically, this states that you should not contact your ex-boyfriend for at least 30 days after you break up.
The reason for this is that he needs time to not feel pressured into the relationship.
This will give him the time he needs to figure out that he misses you.
If you hurry this for any reason, it won't work. He will just think to himself "Phew! I'm so glad I got out of that relationship - she's so needy and desperate..."
Most of the time, a man simply needs time to sort out his own thoughts and feelings before he comes back to you. If you insist on inserting yourself into his life, he'll just feel smothered. And that makes him run away even faster.
Don't forget: You also need time and space to sort out your own thoughts and feelings about him. If you're in constant contact with him, you will just stay in the old patterns.
TIP #7: Watch out for Negative Nancy
Another common pattern that happens after a breakup is that many women start to doubt themselves and think negative thoughts.
You might find yourself thinking things like:
"He never loved me"
"I was such a fool..."
"I'm not lovable"
"I'll never find anybody as good as him again" (this one is really nasty!)
Watch out for these negative thoughts when they pop up. Don't let them run around your brain unchecked. You'll feel your emotions stirred up and you will also feel really down on yourself.
When Negative Nancy shows up, nothing good ever happens.
If you entertain these thoughts, you will just get stuck in them forever. Like an endless loop.
Right now your brain has an unhealthy fixation on him. Because he is the one that your habit formed around. You will know I'm right because of how spontaneous and impulsive these thoughts are when they come into your head.
You kind of know they are a little bit crazy. But you can't seem to control them.
And this will only push you towards panic behavior. You know, like calling him in the late hours of the night, drunk texting him, sending him emails asking him lots of "why?" questions.
In fact, that leads us to tip number eight -
TIP #8: The truth isn't out there
Another one of the most damaging mental loops to get caught in is thinking you can find a reason for everything. Or an answer to everything that happened.
Again, it will start with your need to ask a lot of "Why?" questions:
"Why did he do this?
"Why won't he call me?"
"Why won't he text me?"
"Why doesn't he feel the same way I do?"
"What does he think of me?"
The list goes on and on and on. And you probably won't ever get to the real reasons.
And even if you do, the answers won't satisfy you. They just bring up more questions.
Right now your questions are just your emotions acting out. They try to make you think there is a reasonable, rational answer for what happened. But sometimes there isn't.
Just remember that the truth you seek is the true love you are put here to find. Most likely, it will be found in your future. In the next relationship.
Don't get stuck in the past.
TIP #9: It might not even be HIM
After a while, you may even realize that it's not really this guy that you want. many women fall victim to holding onto a relationship that isn't good for them simply because they're afraid of being alone.
I've even had to coach a lot of men about this. Some guys simply can't let go of our relationship because of their self-esteem issues. They stay in abusive, painful relationships instead of moving on.
Take a look at your own patterns:
Are you capable of walking away from relationships?
Do you really firmly believe you can live without this guy?
Do you find yourself doing unhealthy things in the name of keeping a relationship going?
Really ask yourself: "Is this guy really special? Is he really who I think he is to me?"
Sometimes we hold onto the person because we just don't know how to end things. We may be afraid of being alone, or maybe the relationship ending scared us because we have to face a new step in our own growth.
Make absolutely certain you know why.
TIP #10: Get that pen out
One of the best ways to process a relationship is to write about it. If you can put your thoughts down on paper, you can see if they make sense, or if it's just a crazy ramblings of a lonely mind.
Journaling is one of the most powerful ways we can look at a situation and really see it for what it is. A thought that's left to roam inside your head will drive you crazy. You can't pin it down, and you can never see it clearly.
When you write something down on paper, it suddenly becomes real. You can see it for what it really is - honesty, or an illusion.
Take some time to really take some notes about this relationship.
What did it mean to you?
What did you learn from it?
What can you take away from this relationship and bring to the next relationship?
What could you have done better?
Did this relationship help define what you really want in the next one?
Perhaps 1 in 1000 women will actually sit down and think things through like this.
But you know what? She is usually that woman you see with the awesome relationship, the one you envy to no end.
This is what she does that you can steal for yourself to create the love of a lifetime.
TIP #11: Keep An Insurance List
Very often after a breakup you will find yourself wanting to go back to him. Even if you were the one to break up with him.
This is only natural, but you should have a way to resist the second-guessing.
Here is one way you can do it. It's a little negative, but it's a necessary negative.
Make a list of all the reasons you don't want to be in this relationship. This is especially important if you have made a resolution that you don't want to go back to him.
You want to have this list because when you are feeling weak, you will be tempted to go back to him. And you need to have ammunition to bring you back around to reality again.
After a breakup, what is the one thing you think about the most? It's almost always all the good stuff that you won't have any more. You'll start missing all the positive stuff, and forgetting all the negative stuff.
This is another one of those distortions that happens in your brain. In order to battle it, make sure you have this insurance list. It's basically insurance that you don't go running back to him.
I remember having the experience of being in relationship and breaking up, and then getting back together and re-realizing the whole reason we broke up in the first place. And now we have a second breakup to go through which could have been avoided.
Whenever you feel like going back to him, you simply whip out this list and read down it. I guarantee you in a few minutes you won't feel like going back to him again.
Or texting him again, or calling him again...
TIP #12: Whip Up A Storm
One of the best ways to stay sane during the time after a breakup is to keep yourself as busy as you can. It's actually a really good way of staying distracted so that you don't sit home for hours and hours just thinking about him.
If you let yourself indulge in fantasy thinking, or even sadness thinking, you're going to lose control and probably do some things you wish you had not.
Trust me when I tell you that these thought loops are dangerous. They are like being in a car when you lost control sliding on ice.
Staying busy is critical.
And I'm not talking about time-wasting busy. Like spending an entire afternoon on Facebook.
I'm talking about getting back to the things that really engage you that are not related to finding a man or a relationship.
Get back to the gym - or just set some new goals for your fitness
Plan some get-togethers with your girlfriends
Sign up for a night school class to further your career
Get started on a home improvement project
There are a TON of ways to keep your mind from being obsessed on this guy. And you should absolutely be looking for things to do to keep him off your mind.
The real danger of this time without him is that you have the freedom to do nothing but think about him. Which will totally mess with your head after a while.
It helps to get perspective, and doing other things like this will help get you that perspective. Especially talking to friends and family about the situation - in limited quantities.
TIP #13: Give the FB a rest
If you're finding yourself missing your boyfriend, social media is usually not the best way to keep him out of your head. There is an all-too-familiar tendency to go to familiar pages on the Internet.
Chances are you're going to find yourself in a weak moment and surfing over to his Facebook page, his Instagram, his Twitter feed... you name it.
Don't let yourself indulge in social media. It will be too tempting for you to resist, and it's very unlikely you're going to find anything positive.
In fact, the secret hidden hope that most people have when they do this sort of thing is that they're gonna come across something that stirs up the emotions again. And not in a positive way.
That's right, we are our worst enemies when it comes to what's best for us.
It's just like that perverse need to probe the sore spot inside your mouth with your tongue. It hurts, but we just can't help doing it.
Help yourself avoid this kind of torture. Stay away from the things that remind you of what you've lost. There's nothing to be gained here.
TIP #14: Get out with the girls
In keeping with staying busy, going out with your girlfriends is a great way to help you regain that lost perspective.
You'll be reconnecting with your social network. This always helps in more ways than you can see from the perspective you're probably in right now.
You'll be able to get their perspective as well. They will want to talk with you about the situation with him, and you can do that - again in limited amounts.
You'll remember what it is to be responsible for just yourself. None of that worried preoccupation with being in a couple, or having to manage the relationship part. You get to just be you with your friends.
TIP #15: Work it
I know I mentioned exercise in the previous step, but it deserves its own focus.
Get to the gym and start a regular workout regimen. The benefits of this are almost too many to mention.
You will be getting your serotonin going, which will counteract the weird withdrawal symptoms of losing a love. You'll feel better about yourself as you start to look better. And you open yourself up to meeting other people - even guys.
TIP #16: Scram
One really Great Way to get this guy out of your head - and get out of your loneliness - is take a vacation.
Travel somewhere. If you have the means and maybe a little bit of vacation time, get away from the familiar as a way to get your mind reset.
Even if you can't get away from where you are, you can still take the time to travel in your area. Hop in your car and go for a long drive to a place you've always wanted to go.
I lived in the Washington DC area for six years, and I had to come back to visit all the great museums and sites there. Don't be foolish as I was, take some time to see some of the world around you.
TIP #17: But I don't want him anymore!
If you find yourself in this situation, and if you don't want your boyfriend back, then you probably want to know how to move on from him.
It's said that all great poetry comes from longing in some way. Those longings of the heart that stick with us come out in writing with the beauty of words. My personal longing is to help women see their way to better relationships with men.
But if you're longing too much inside your relationship, it shows that the relationship wasn't fulfilling you. Now it's time to long for the relationship you deserve.
You might find yourself stuck in obsessive thoughts about him. The best thing you can do is to break the addiction you have to thinking about him. You need to replace him with something new to think about.
It's been shown in study after study of people with a habit that they're trying to break that you can't just quit. You have to replace the habit or else there's an empty space that will just get refilled by the old habit.
This is true of cigarettes, eating, drinking alcohol...
In order to break the previous habit, you gotta find something to put in its place.
One thing that would help is to take some of this time to improve yourself. And the best way to improve yourself is in your relationship skills.
The best relationship skill to work on is always communication.
Especially with men, since women seem to have a lot of difficulty communicating with guys. Many women assume that men are extremely complicated. But the truth is much much different.
Men simply have a different mechanism.
If you've ever had to drive a rental car somewhere you probably know what I mean. Or maybe just borrow somebody else's car for an errand.
The new car or different car has pretty much the exact same stuff your car has. It has a brake pedal, accelerator, shift, seats, turn signals, etc. It's probably just in a different place, or looks a little bit different.
But it's all there.
It's the same way with a guy. Everything you know about communication is still there, except he uses slightly different words. Or he may approach a subject from a different angle.
But he still wants the same thing you do. He wants love and acceptance. He wants a partner in this life the same as you.
The best thing you can do is to learn how men think and why we connect the way we do.
Every man has a different way of connecting, and you can learn them all in just one evening.
In fact, I created a program for just this purpose. To show women how men connect in their own special way.
Each man is one of these types:
If you know what type he is, you'll know exactly how to communicate with him.
And how to get him to fall in love with you.
You can stop making mistakes with guys (because you didn't know which "code" he had.)
If you want to learn about the Connection Code that he has - and how you can finally GET what this guy is saying (and yes, maybe even discover how to win him back) -
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