If I had a dime for every time a client told me "He ghosted me!"- and then asked "Why did he ghost me??" Yeah, I'd be pretty awesomely rich.
Hot and cold...
Let's take a look at the definition of ghosting:
Ghosting is breaking off a relationship (often an intimate relationship) by ending all communication with a person without any apparent warning or justification. AND ignoring the former partner's attempts to reach out or communicate.
Which means that it's a harsh ending to something as lovely as a relationship. No matter how short lived the relationship was.
The fact is that a guy can seem totally obsessed with you, and then - seemingly out of nowhere - he disappears and stops responding to texts or calls. This disappearing act is "ghosting."
No, it's not fun to experience. Especially because it feels like the rug just got pulled out from under you.
And then you're left wondering: "He Ghosted Me... Why did he disappear?Why did he just run away?"
It's especially confusing because he seemed to swing from really into you to the other extreme of ghosting you like this. Were his feelings not real?
I know he ghosted me - Was it something I said or did?
From my own experience - being a guy who dated women - I tried to never leave any woman saying "He ghosted me." And even when it happened, it was mostly a mutual ghosting. You know, one of those dates where we both didn't seem too into each other. And a text seemed a little unnecessary.
I've also had PLENTY of times where she ghosted me.
We'll come back to that again in a bit.
I'll also spare you the stories of college guys or anyone under the age of "responsible." We all know that the younger we are, the more likely we are to ghost someone in a discomfort around awkward social situations.
But before we jump into the answer to 'Can you tell me why he ghosted me?' - I'd like to take a second to look at what really comes up when you feel a guy pulling away from you in this way.
When you feel the "ghosting" happen, do you feel:
Scared? Like the rug is pulled out from under you?
Abandoned? Like someone just left you - even though you know he was never really THERE to begin with?
Rejected? Like he just screamed NO! at you and ran away? Even though he never knew anything about you to really "reject"?
Clinging? Like you don't want to let go of the feeling of the connection you had, and you're not quite sure if it will come back to you?
These are just some of the feelings that come up in a person when they feel the sting of being ghosted appear. It's only natural.
He Ghosted Me! Reason #1: He liked you.
This one is going to seem like a contradiction, but it can be eerily true.
Yeah, he maybe actually really LIKED you. Sometimes a guy really likes you, but just doesn't know how to move it forward.
This is often where the pain of him ghosting you overrides your compassion for where he is in life. It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with him or you.
Too much baggage...
But that feeling of his pulling away activates all kinds of crazy life-stuff and childhood-stuff and mom-stuff...
You know. STUFF.
But let's get back to the good news - He liked you!
Yes, it's totally possible - and likely - that he really liked the YOU that he saw. And now he's not sure if he either deserves it, or if he knows what to do with it. He had his own reasons why he ghosted you.
Because HE might have a lot of life stuff, childhood stuff, dad stuff... you-name-it stuff.
So take a little bit of happiness in that you were likable, and for whatever reason (does it really matter?) he just couldn't be there for you right now. Who knows, maybe he'll be back around later.
Or maybe you enabled him in some way so that when another woman comes along, he can say YES to her - and NOT ghost her.
And before you feel jealous at the thought of some other woman getting him instead of you, consider this:
Some other woman might get ghosted out there so that you get HIM.
Why did he ghost you? Reason #2: Yeah, Super-freak...
Some guys do freak out a bit when they run into their own feelings and attraction for a woman.
Guys don't spend a lot of their time in an emotional zone. We're very much thinkers and do-ers. We don't naturally embrace the emotional side of life.
Now, I need to caution you that this doesn't make a man's experience Wrong in ANY way!
A man's drive to connect with his energy and his work and his action is his connection to himself. It should be praised and celebrated! But we live in a world where a man's way of being is seen mostly as negative and hurtful.
That's a shame.
Remember that an experience that is NOT yours does not mean that it is WRONG. Only that it's not an experience you relate to or share.
Beware rejecting his way of being. That's the seed of all disconnection in relationships that I've seen. Don't reject his masculinity or you'll always be disappointed.
(Remember: Men may see your emotional experience and pull away from it. But is your experience wrong? No? Then don't pull away and reject his experience of himself. It's not "wrong.")
So he freaks out when he runs into his feelings for you, and the first reaction he has is to want to separate from it.
The bottom line is that he freaked because he just wasn't ready.
So what now?
Well, he'll probably pull away for a while to get his bearings. You might need to be patient and reconnect with him later. Rant a little that "he ghosted me!" and then laugh about it.
Could you be open enough to letting him go and seeing if he's ready in a few weeks again?
When I ask women this, they say they are, and they often do reconnect later. But the problem I see is that when they reconnect, it's angry.
And their reconnect attempt is also very urgent feeling. Like they gotta do it to satisfy some insult they felt inside instead of making a connection.
When you come back to him angry, this doesn't say "I'm safe for you to come back to." Their energy says: "I need. And I'm still hurting."
Sure, it probably comes from past experiences piling up, making this guy right now take responsibility for the guys that came before him. Which means the best thing you can do is to get back to your compassion and open your heart back up.
Too much focus on another person completing you is not going to help.
Why did he disappear when things were going good? Reason #3: You missed it...
I typically see women in two situations where they say "he ghosted me":
He genuinely seemed really into you and then disappeared. The ghosting makes your eyes roll in confusion and frustration.
He ghosted you - but there's something nagging at you about it. You're wondering if there was a reason or a cause. Was it YOU? Were youenough?
So many good times...
That question is a tough one, because now we're back in the land of your STUFF. Where you remember maybe being a little girl wondering the same thing around your mom and dad. Were you enough?
You wonder if there was something you missed about the time you spent with this guy. Was there some signal you might have missed?
Maybe there was.
But it's not something you look back at and worry about or ruminate about. That just leads you down that endless spiral into your sadness.
You just have to open your eyes wider, and realize that there are signals men give that tell you if they're fully THERE with you.
"It Sucked When He Ghosted Me!" Reason #4: He Thought It Was Too Much...
Guys run into a lot of women that want to use them for life preservers.
We find women that want us for support - both emotional and financial...
We find women that want us to keep their "bad stuff" in their head from being unbearable. (Guys do this one, too.)
We find women that really want to latch on to his individual strength like a baby to its mother's breast...
My friend Gary said he went out with this girl once, and he thought she was pretty, smart, funny, everything he wanted. She seemed pretty relaxed and light. Easy to be around.
They went on a date that felt very relaxed and comfortable, just walking and talking in a park. Things got comfortably physical and intimate, and they were kissing for a while.
Race to the finish...?
It was all great, until she told him: "You know, I thought this might be special."
Gary went along with it because it felt very nice, and he was also enjoying the make-out session. He didn't want to switch to words like this right away. It felt like too much. In reality, what she said to him was more about her need to justify getting physically intimate with him in that moment.
A few more minutes of kissing and she once again broke into telling him how she "really felt warm and safe with him. She even shed a few tears."
Later, Gary looked back and felt that this was too much too soon. He sensed that there was a slippery slope here. If he re-engaged her on another date, he felt like he may have some floodgates open on him, and waytoo soon.
A guy has a different pacing in a relationship than a woman does.
You almost can't take it too slow with him. And if he seems like he wants to go fast with you, go even slower!
It's because of his willingness to embrace you that you will likely reach right back for him and jump in - as much as your heart is hungry. But you have to pace your need for this outside validation so that he doesn't get spooked and runs.
Sometimes this suits us and we can be that guy for you, because we're ready.
But there are many times when a guy will mis-read your openness and get spooked because its too much too soon.
There's no rush - life will unfold just as you need it to. Just as it should!
Reason #5: He Thought It Was Too Little...
Even worse than when a guy finds that she's too much is when we find that she just needs the companionship, but she can't accept him as a man.
These days it's really fashionable to trash men. In service of uplifting women (which I 100% support), we have also found ways to do that by pushing guys down.
Lift you up... Knock him down...
If I want to get to the top observation deck of the Empire State Building, is it easier to ride the elevator to the top -
- Or pull the building down into the ground?
The second option seems like the most absurd, time-consuming, tiring, and futile way to get where you want to go.
And by the time you did get that accomplished, all you'd see is rubble and ruin around you. Not the NY City skyline.
There would be no altitude to enjoy. No lifting up, or taking anyone higher.
And yet it's what we're doing when we resort to diminishing men to elevate women.
It even seems like an easy way, until you realize that you're just wrecking the building for everyone. No one gets to touch the sky.
So when a guy finds a woman who isn't able to surrender into being a feminine power for him, he realizes:
He will never be nurtured...
She will always fight him...
She will always want to change or "fix" him...
He will never find the warm acceptance that gives him permission to let down his guard...
He may love her - but he'll never love the "us" they create together...
So yeah, you'll only know "he ghosted me" with these men.
And the guys that want a woman to act LIKE A MAN are the guys you shouldn't go anywhere near. They will definitely make you unsatisfied, angry, and alone.
Ignore the idea of gender roles - or NO gender roles. Just let yourself be the you that you must be.
And if that gets in the way, go talk to a therapist. Work it out.
And then be amazed at what happens when you don't need to control him, the relationship, or even YOU anymore.
A man is glad to lift up the woman that lifts HIM up.
And sometimes a guy feels you're "too little" for him when you weren't as available as you may have thought you were.
I know this can sound incredible, but there are just as many women out there with intimacy issues and commitment phobia as men. We just show it in wildly different ways.
So when you aren't available, a man can tell.
That's when a lot of the "he ghosted me!" texting and anger comes up.
Maybe you weren't enough over your ex. Or maybe you weren't over your mom... or your childhood.
There are a lot of things we don't see about ourselves. Especially when they seem to just be a part of our own desire to HAVE someone new.
But the cliché still stands:
You can't love a guy enough to make up for not loving yourself.
And you can't be fully available to him until you really don't need him like that.
What do you do when you feel yourself frustrated? knowing: Gah! He ghosted me!
Typically, the number one resource for this situation - where you start texting your friends "He ghosted me!" - your resource is your own compassion.
How open can you be in the space of a man's non-communication?
I'll confess that I almost wrote about "Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!" in this article.
Which I guess I just did write... Okay, so let's roll with it!
Do you want to BUST his ghosting?
But it's also not realistic to embrace the idea of a combative, destructive way to keep a guy from ghosting you. In reality, that is.
The whole ghostbuster thing is just a funny image to see the them using their proton packs to take these guys out of your life.
You may even find yourself silently chanting, "Yeah! Git 'em!"
But consider that he might not need "busting." Maybe he needs something else from you.
And even if you don't get THIS guy back, maybe it meant that you needed to see something about YOU in this process.
We've all been there...
In that moment you felt abandoned, rejected, snubbed, cast aside, unworthy - whatever...
And there was a reason those feelings come up. It's not because of "low self-esteem" or any of the things they tell you in the clever bestsellers.
It's because there's something you don't know about how men work.
And until you do know how men think, you'll never be able to get him to love you the way you need him to.
Imagine when you can walk next to him, your skin glowing, your hair perfect and flowing... wearing just the right dress... and you know he's not just ready to love you - he wants you to SAVE HIM.
You can elevate him from just a lusting man into a better human being.
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