3 Steps To Turn Friends With Benefits Into a Relationship
By: Carlos Cavallo
Let's talk about how to turn a friends with benefits relationship into a romantic relationship.
Most of the women I've coached and advised agree: Casual sex isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Just because a woman CAN "date like a man" doesn't mean she will want to. Or that she will find it very fulfilling.
And besides, in almost any relationship I've ever seen - even the most casual - there's always one person in it that wants MORE from it.
I've even been on the "desire" side of the equation myself a few times - where I was the one wanting the full-time relationship. And I'll reveal to you that it's not always the "men are commitment-phobes" behavior you might think.
If a guy sees that things are fun with you, you've got a good chance of turning him into your steady boyfriend. But more on that in a bit...
This is really all about how to turn a FWB into your boyfriend.
First off, you have to know if your situation makes him boyfriend potential.
Can you do it?
Here are 3 signs you can turn him from friends with benefits into boyfriend:
- The first sign you can go from friends with benefits into boyfriend is when you do a lot of "friend stuff" on the side.
If you find yourself having him over for a movie on Netflix, or a casual bite before you get your casual romp, you might have boyfriend material there.
If he were only in it for the sex, he'd just make excuses and only show up at your door late at night. But if he's up for the occasional hang out before the horizontal bop, you might have a guy who would go for more.
- The next sign you can take "FWB" further is that the sex is awesome...
Whether we like it or not, sex is a big part of any healthy relationship. And just because your relationship started with bed-buddies doesn't make it any more unlikely to succeed.
Actually, it's just the opposite...
If you have that easy mesh when you're in the sack, you've got a firm foundation for a boyfriend relationship with him. It's not ALL you need, of course, but it's a solid start.
- The next good sign is that you feel a sense of trust with him.
Sure, you both might be seeing other people, but neither of you lies or hides things. You're both sensitive about your arrangement.
Which means you sense that you've got a connection here, and neither of you wants to jeopardize it. And that means you could also have a full relationship if you play your cards right.
FWB Fix - STEP 1: Know the risks going in up front...
Now, of course your friends will probably warn you about this way before I will, but there is always that chance of someone getting hurt in any friends-with-benefits (or f-buddy) situation.
But if you think about it, ALL relationships have that potential to hurt one or both of the people in it. As long as you're considerate enough to let him know the score up front, you can go in with your eyes wide open.
Just remember that just because a guy agrees to this, it doesn't mean he's going to stay the stereotypical "no-strings-attached" guy you think he will.
The fact is that men become emotionally attached to a woman they're sleeping with.
Men are not the mindless sex-drones the media paints us to be.
So know up front that guys will sometimes accept this arrangement at the start, but then want to turn it serious later on. Which - if you play your cards right - will give you the FWB into boyfriend situation you're looking for.
You have to remember that you might not be able to turn your feelings off as easy as you think you can.
There's a chemical reaction that happens in women after sex that leaves you feeling happy, relaxed, and connected to him. It's a hormone that's released called "Oxytocin," and it pushes you forward into bonding with him - FAST.
So to make a rational decision that you are not going to be attached to the person you are sleeping with can confuse you and can put a dent in your self-esteem.
There's also the risk of him finding someone else he's interested in before you've had a chance to work your magic.
You can take some consolation in knowing that even if he does, chances are the new girl will just make all the classic mistakes of trying to make him commit to her too early, and eventually you can pick up where you left off.
Just don't let that challenge of him jumping into this girl's arms make you panic and push you into any kind of clingy moves, okay?
And I probably don't need to give you the usual speech about safe-sex here, but it does go without saying that you must use protection for STDs and unwanted pregnancies, right?
Now, the next step to making your booty call your boyfriend is...
Break Out Of Friends-with-Benefits - STEP 2: Stay available!
The biggest mistake you can make when working on your FWB and trying to make him your steady guy is to stop seeing other guys.
Here's why that almost always destroys your chances: You'll get needy.
Oh, I know...I know.
You probably told yourself that you can just keep this little arrangement nice and safe for you both.
You don't have to see other people! You're going to make this one WORK!
What happens when you don't stay available for other guys is that you will have flipped a switch in your mind from "Meh... I don't care" to "Now I want him." And he WILL sense this.
All it takes is that one extra time where you suggest a meeting on a Tuesday night for dinner... and he thinks to himself: "Whoah... is this a ... date??"
And your ship is sunk.
You need to have other guys around to keep you from setting your sights on this guy too quickly.
- You'll gain confidence and a good attitude from the attention
Let's be real here... having two guys that give you attention and adoration is definitely better than just one.
So when you have a backup guy in your life, you'll be much more confident and less likely to feel the effects of neediness and fear.
Just be very clear with any man you let into your life that this is the arrangement - and you're not exclusive.
You'd be surprised how infrequently a guy faces this situation - and how interested he would be in trying it out. Most of the time a man experiences the complete opposite - a woman who pounces on him and wants him to jump into a relationship as soon as humanly possible.
Uhm... don't do that.
Another reason why you want to keep seeing other guys:
- You'll have a guy to compare him against...
Sometimes you'll find yourself settling for a guy who's a pretty weak candidate for your affection. But you'll rationalize that he's "not that bad" the longer you're with him.
You can keep your head clear and have a solid frame of comparison when there's more than one guy in the picture.
Or maybe one of your non-FWB guys will start to work harder. That's one of the benefits of competition!
Okay, let's move on to the last step:
FWB Romance - STEP 3: Play it cool...
The last thing you want to do is to put the suggestion out there that you're interested in making things more serious between you and him.
If he's having fun now, he will keep wanting to get together with you for more fun. And the longer he does that, the more you'll be etched into his mind.
But if you raise the issue of making your 'relationship' a Relationship before he's ready, it's like taking a cake out of the oven too early: You can't put it back in and have it be anywhere near as good.
You have to let the feelings he's cultivating build on their own. If you make this new arrangement of boyfriend-girlfriend come up before HE starts wanting it himself, you'll risk ruining it.
Remember: the best way to take your relationship up to the "committed and serious" level is to always put him in a position to ask YOU for the commitment first.
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