How To Build Trust In A Relationship – 7 Ways
You probably know that the most important part of your relationship – next to your communication – is the level of trust you have with your man.
If communication is handing cash back and forth – the transactions – then trust is your bank account balance.
Without a nice balance in your account, the trust will not flow between you. And it NEEDS to flow. If you don’t keep a healthy balance, you’ll have frequent bouts of jealousy and insecurity, always wondering if he’s really devoted to you.
And that’s a very unstable place to experience your relationship. In fact, without a really strict budget, your trust and love account could get really overdrawn.
It’s easy to keep a large balance in this account – you just need to know how to build trust regularly with your man.
So today, I’m going to explain how to build up that trust balance in your account with “micro transactions” – using communication!
Here are 5 ways to build trust in your relationship…
Build Trust – #1: BE Trustable…
I know this one should be obvious, but you have to start by coming from a position of BEING trustable to your partner FIRST.
You can’t take trust for granted. And you can’t assume your partner views you as trustable. These days, we all seem to claim some kind of “trust issue” from a previous relationship, or our childhood.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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So take the time to really deposit your own emotional “money” in your relationship. Demonstrate that you are trustable.
Make sure you keep your promises, and you follow through on the things you say you’re going to. Sure, every so often we have to withdraw a bit from our account when something comes up.
Maybe you had a date scheduled, and your friend shows up from out of town. You have to cancel on him.
He’ll understand – IF you make it a point to offer a make-up date with him. Or show him in some way that you recognize this is something you want to make right later.
You also want to show that you are reliable to him. Being reliable means we can trust that a person will be there for us when we need them, and it’s an important part of a loving relationship.
Build Trust – #2: Trust – But Verify…
There are two sides to the trust coin…
- You can trust, and that trust can be repaid…
- You can also trust someone, and feel that maybe there is something going on in the background…
Maybe he’s a bit too secretive. Or his stories don’t seem to jive with what he’s doing.
You don’t want to be the fool and get suckered by him taking advantage of your trust.
But you also don’t want to be suspicious or paranoid and then undermine the confidence in the relationship.
It’s a tricky balance!
You may need to turn up your radar for their stories. And learn to trust your gut when it comes to verifying what they’re saying.
I don’t think you should ever have to resort to following him, or checking his phone, or hiring a private detective, mind you. Once you cross a line, that mistrust then sabotages any of your feelings of stability in a relationship.
Keep your focus on their CONGRUITY – Does what he say he’s doing match his actions?
Build Trust – #3: Be careful of condemnation and self-righteousness…
Most trust issues in our life come from our childhood. Did our parents give us a secure base from which to experience life?
Or did they regularly fall through on their promises and leave us feeling abandoned?
If we have this kind of childhood trust issue, it can be very easy to fall on a habit of feeling mistrustful of people in our life.
One of the ways we demonstrate this is by taking the OPPOSITE stance. If we can’t control how trustworthy other people are, we can surely set ourselves up to be perfect people! We then condemn anyone who breaks our rules for trust.
I used to be very outspoken and judgmental about others and their ability to follow through. If someone broke a promise – no matter how slight – I would immediately push them away in my mind as being untrustworthy.
When we get self-righteous like this, it’s really a protection mechanism. A way to avoid the normal risk in all relationships.
If I push you away first, you can’t hurt me!
But in truth, what we do is we make it so that the other person can’t see any vulnerability in us. And then they give up trying to be vulnerable TO us.
Take a look at your own feelings about betrayal and feelings of self-righteousness. See if maybe you aren’t carrying some scars leftover from past relationships – or from your own childhood.
Build Trust – #4: Watch out for the Taboo…!
If there’s one thing that will certainly erode the quality of a relationship, it’s the willingness to keep secrets from your partner.
In order for a relationship to truly thrive, there can be nothing you wouldn’t talk about with your partner. There can be no “Taboo” topics – things you don’t talk about because “it’s simply not done.”
A healthy relationship cannot carry the burden of secrets.
And when I say “nothing” that you wouldn’t talk about with him – I mean that you absolutely MUST be able to talk about your deepest feelings and concerns with him.
This includes topics such as:
- Sexual fantasies…
- Feelings about the relationship (of any kind)…
- Feelings about money…
- How you’re raising the kids…
- Complicated feelings that come up in the relationship, such as jealousy, mistrust, etc…
- Emotions you tend to cover up or avoid…
And really ANYTHING I didn’t mention there that you might run into.
Without a completely wide open communication channel to your partner where you can express these things, you are very likely not building your relationship on trust. You’re creating instability by building your relationship on an unspoken agreement to not provoke each other’s insecurities too much.
This is the sad, shallow ground of about 80-90% of relationships.
Most of them will fail, and the ones that continue can’t really be called “successes.” They’re more like negotiated stalemates.
They’ll talk about that show they just watched on Netflix, but they won’t talk about the stuff that REALLY matters.
“Oh, Carlos! That stuff just takes care of itself if you’re REALLY in love!”
Really? Maybe in fantasy-land, but not in reality.
Nothing in a relationship “takes care of itself.”
And NO – love isn’t all you need for a quality relationship. (If it were, then why didn’t all those relationships where you loved him so deeply – why didn’t THOSE work out?)
You gotta be willing to go into the dark corners of the attic to find the stuff that needs to be brought out in the light of day.
Because IF you start hiding stuff, there’s no limit to what you’ll start making excuses to put in that place. It will start with the “little stuff,” and then you’ll find reasons to put even the medium size stuff in there…
Then you’ll have no trouble hiding big stuff there.
It’s a slippery slope, and it’s a common mistake in relationships to let things start to slide.
You don’t have to constantly bare your soul to your partner, because that feels weird, too.
But if it’s something inside you that has an effect on how you feel about your partner – or how they feel about you – it must be talked about.
Build Trust – #5: Fool me NEVER…
There’s a saying:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME!
Meaning that if I get fooled by someone, the first time is simply because I was unaware of their nature. But if they do it again, it’s because I was oblivious and didn’t keep my eyes open after the first time.
I have another saying – and it’s just in relationships:
Fool me – NEVER!
I don’t think you should allow yourself to be fooled by someone – especially early in the relationship. That first time they “fool” us and break trust, it’s because we weren’t attentive enough at the start.
Usually because we were so snowed over by the attraction and the chemistry. Those factors often blind us to what the other person is signaling us clearly.
If you’re fooled once, end it. Don’t go back for second helpings of the same mistreatment!
Sorry, but that’s the time to keep your eyes open and be aware of what’s going on in the relationship.
I’m not saying you have to have a constant paranoia about you, or your guard has to be up every minute of every day. That’s an exhausting and counter-productive way to live your life.
Instead, I want to invite you to pay attention to your intuition and the way your body signals you about this guy. You’ll receive very clear signals that will tell you how trusting you can be.
Of course the best way to enter a new relationship – or stay in an old one – is to be completely transparent with yourself about your level of “stuckness” or the amount of stuff you’re still carrying around.
You have to get rid of the baggage you’re carrying, because you might spend most of the time in a new relationship having to take care of yourself.
And here’s a little secret:
Men sense when a woman is more self-involved and doesn’t have the time or focus to nurture HIM.
So how do you get yourself ready?
How do you make yourself ready for Mr. Right when he appears so that you won’t miss out on the dream of your soulmate connection?
Part of it is simply knowing how to connect with a man…
How to be irresistible to him – and forge an unbreakable connection. You can find out how by going HERE: