Friends with benefits, WTF?
Today we’ve got a question from a good woman who’s experiencing the pain of not knowing what to do about the man in her life.
But does she really want a “friends with benefits” situation?
Read on and find out:
LETTER FROM A READER:
Carlos – I’m in a FWB (friends with benefit) situation.
We hang out a lot & watch movies. We cuddle on the couch after sex…
He has fixed my truck door & even brought the parts himself. He has done a lot of things for me. He has even brought some milk for my daughter!! He loves my 2 year old daughter & plays with her a lot even jokes around with her. He even tells me a lot about his baby-mama & how he still loves her & wants her back just because they have kids together & so that he won’t have to keep paying child support.
He tells me that he wants to work it out with her & at the same time he’s at my work everyday at least 3 times a day & hangs out all night. Everyone says that he keeps following me around like a puppy dog…
He recently got a house & has stopped coming over & has stopped hanging out at my job.
We are having great amazing sex & I have slept over a few times. He teases me a lot & he has even opened up to me about a lot of different things.
He even let me take a shower at his house while he stayed in the bathroom & shaved..
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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My best-friend tells me all the time that he likes me & that he’s interested in me. I tell her that he keeps telling me that he don’t want a girlfriend that he don’t want to be in a relationship with anybody.
My truck had broken down recently & now he’s out looking for me a reliable car that he wants to buy me.
I have even asked him to come over one night & he told me no cuz he didn’t want a girlfriend I told him back that I didn’t want a boyfriend either I even told him that I guess this is goodbye cuz he wasn’t answering me & he told me no that he was just busy & he was at my door in seconds. I even told him that a couple more times & he still tells me me no & calls me over cuz he wants to see me & more!!!
I don’t know what to think cuz it seems to me that he don’t want to ever lose me but at the same time he is distant. What should I do I’m so confused…
CARLOS CAVALLO ANSWERS:
Maryanne, I think I see what’s going on here, and it’s something you might miss in your situation.
I’ll tell you how this happened in a minute, so you can avoid this ever happening to you in the future.
But first, I want to tell you a quick story:
There was a guy who bought a really cool dolphin for a pet. He wanted a pet he could swim in the ocean with.
He named the dolphin Tina, after his mom. Whenever he called the dolphin “Tina” it would chirp with joy.
But when they went out in the ocean to swim, Tina didn’t hang out with him and swim with him. He used fish to lure her back, but she kept swimming off on her own.
Finally, one day, Tina swam off and never came back.
The moral of the story? Dolphins are cool, but they make lousy pets.
And they will do what dolphins do. Swim off to be free.
Maryanne, your guy is basically not a good choice for a man. He’s not the great love of your life that you want him to be – and he’s even told you this.
But you’re not looking at those signals with your head.
There are a few lessons you need to walk away from your situation with – and I want you to step back and really take a look at the signs:
Lesson #1: Great sex is NOT the same as a relationship.
It’s simply two people getting it on and being sexually compatible. It has nothing to do with whether or not you are actually compatible in a committed adult relationship or not.
This comes as quite a shock for many people who try to engineer a relationship out of good sex. But the truth stands – you can be awesome at doing the horizontal bop, but it doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship compatibility.
It’s a bonus, if you had all the other stuff in place.
So how do I know this isn’t a relationship?
He told you he doesn’t want to have a girlfriend.
If a woman says she doesn’t want a boyfriend, it’s usually for a completely different reason than a man. When a MAN says it, he’s probably telling you the truth.
He doesn’t want a girlfriend.
He talks about his ex and tells you he wants to get back with her. (I assure you that it’s not the child support that’s making him want to go back. He’ll be supporting her when they get back together, so either way he’s paying.)
If he’s into you, he will have no room for anyone else BUT you.
Look, I’m not saying these things to be unkind. They are to wake you up to the emotional dialogue you’ve got going on in your head right now.
You’re fighting to MAKE him seem right to you, to MAKE him a guy you can invest in. If it’s for real, you don’t have to push it in the direction you want it to go – it will just go there all on its own.
Oh, and there’s still…
Lesson #2: His being kind to your child is not an indication that he’s your soul-mate.
He’s just a compassionate guy.
Hell, 90% of guys you wouldn’t sleep with would probably buy your daughter milk. Just because she’s a cute little girl.
Or they felt guilty waking up and eating your Cheerios and drinking all your milk.
It’s simply not the indication you would like it to be: That he’s a guy looking for a new wife and new daughter to replace the old one.
In short, you’re looking for meaning in all these little actions and indicators because you’re trying to FORCE a relationship to happen.
One of the most common issues in relationships is that one of the people in it didn’t stop to really evaluate the person with their rational thinking before they let their heart run away with them.
And I think that’s a root cause of what happened here.
Your “confusion” is because you know with your head that this isn’t the right relationship for you.
But you let your heart run away with you, and now your emotions won’t let you walk away without some serious willpower.
And that willpower just isn’t going to happen as long as you’re trying to make this thing happen when you know it won’t work for you.
You’re also blocking the right guy from coming into your life… There’s no room for Mr. Right when all you’re doing is hanging out with Mr. Not Ready & Not Right.
The best way to un-confuse yourself is to confess that you’re trying to date a guy who is already in another relationship. You’re just his in-between.
Cut off the free benefits for him and you’ll see an amazing thing: Either he’ll move on to the next “better than nothing” – in which case, good riddance.
He’ll suddenly wake up to you and your needs a bit more.
Either way, you win. Even if it doesn’t look like it right now…
I’m crossing my fingers for you!
Yours in Perfect Passion,
– Carlos Cavallo