Are You Still In Love With Your Ex?
“Most people are better in the abstract.”
That was the line that struck me while watching an episode of “Orange is the New Black” (a thought-provoking show by the way). It made me think of breakups, and how an ex resonates in someone’s head.
Do people want to get back with an ex because they truly love that person?
Or are they in love with the IDEA of that person?
Should an ex stay in the land of Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind for good? Or are they worth bringing back into your reality?
Well, the best way to answer that is by finding out whether your reasons for wanting to get back are healthy or not.
First, you need to understand that in general, people tend to romanticize the past. It’s easy to downplay the not-so-shiny parts of your relationships, especially the breakup.
That’s why you should consider the possibility that you’re looking back at the relationship with nostalgia-colored glasses.
It’s human nature – who wants to remember all those awful times when they fought?
It’s natural to push uncomfortable thoughts in the back of your head; but you need to deal with the discomfort nevertheless.
Otherwise, you could just be sticking your hand into the same emotional hornet’s nest that left you stinging not so long ago.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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With that, you need to take a good look at the reasons why you broke up to begin with. This is the single most important factor to know if the guy you’re pining for is worth getting back with.
Couples break up for two basic reasons:
– They had vastly different needs, or
– Negative thoughts and feelings overwhelmed the relationship
Are you willing to address the issues surrounding these reasons with your ex? It’s a big mistake to jump back into a relationship with him without thinking things through first.
You’re likely to repeat destructive patterns unless you replace them with positive ones. Or, at the very least, you should work on agreeing to disagree on your fundamental differences.
Here’s another thought: breakups usually reveal a person’s neediness. This is also why it’s the best time to ask yourself the following:
– Did your existence revolve around him and the relationship?
– When you found yourself single once again, was there a vast emptiness left behind? Did it surprise you how wide open your schedule was after the breakup?
– Was there a gaping void left behind that only he or the relationship could fill?
Saying “yes” to most of these means that you might have relied on the relationship too much to validate you.
It could also mean the desire to get back with your ex is coming from a place of neediness or desperation. This isn’t a good foundation for a new relationship.
The fear of being alone is NEVER a good reason.
The best thing to right now is ask yourself these hard questions while going through the recovery process BEFORE initiating any contact with him.
You’ll gain a better perspective once you’ve reevaluated your reasons and cleared your head.
Then you’ll be in a better position to decide whether you should get back with your ex or find someone who’s a better match for you.
The one thing you should NOT do after a breakup is to be terrified with the possibility of ending up with another guy.
Who knows, you might be shutting your door to a whole world of wonderful possibilities.
Speaking of other stuff you shouldn’t do, women make the mistake of not zeroing in on their guy’s unique Connection Style. Knowing how to do this can single-handedly prevent a breakup in the first place.
Yours, in Perfect Passion,
– Carlos Cavallo