Dating Advice Guru Q & A: How do I get my passion back for my husband of 20 years?
Question from a reader:
I just read Connection Code. I have been losing interest in my husband over our 2 decades together. I feel like so many of the men you describe in your written content.
My husband has many good qualities and I feel bratty that I am now taking him for granted. We went through a period of at least 6 years where he took me for granted (in the past). I’ve been in therapy and recently another man has shown interest in me which has kicked my husband into high gear, he is making us travel plans, trying to understand me, going to counseling, bringing me chocolates, finding fun things to do.
I know it’s ridiculous at age 59 to start over when I have a good man wanting me.
How do I get my passion back for my husband?
This is a great question, and thank you for posting it…
This is also a VERY common cycle that many relationships and marriages get into, yet few ever speak of. And that topic is Feminine Sexual Boredom.
I don’t mean just sex in the way of sleeping with him – I mean in attraction. Period.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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Look, the truth is that marriages beyond a few decades are not what we’re wired for. Up until a few hundred years ago, it was unlikely that you’d live much past your kids growing up and moving out on their own.
So having a relationship that lasts for many years WITHOUT a dip in attraction is the most likely thing you will face.
The question is: How do you get it back for him?
And the answer is that HE carries a good 50+% of the responsibility. If he’s a traditional “nice guy” who has taken his relationship for granted (and both men and women do this) then he’s going to have to really up his “alpha man” game to get you feeling the mojo.
I’m not going to kid you – this situation should be hit with a strong dose of TNT to get things to either move back into gear, or just end it.
By the way, is it so bad to end a relationship that’s not working anymore? If there are kids involved, I always say that you should work to make it last until the kids are into their early teens.
You owe them that much.
Even mom and dad being basically roommates is better than the kids feeling the weird rift of divorce. Sorry, but this is proven to be a better alternative.
(And if you reply, “But Carlos! If the kids see our constant tension and fighting, isn’t that MORE damaging?” Yes – Except for the fact that your bickering and fighting is COMPLETELY controllable by mature adults. This situation usually becomes a cop-out for one or both parents to bail and attend to their own issues. Deal with it for the kids. But I digress…)
If there are no kids, then just move on with your lives. Make room for BOTH of you to find someone else who can meet your needs TODAY.
Relationships only need to be “FOREVER” when we pile our insecurities into the relationship as a way to soothe our crazy bits. We’re afraid of losing a person, but we forget that we lived a lot of our live WITHOUT them before we met them.
Ok, I’m all over the place here…
Look, if you can get back to dating each other again – and make each other WORK and CHASE each other – the way you did when you were trying to WIN each other, you’ll see some transformation.
Ultimately, there is a chance that your feelings of love have just flattened to apathy. That happens frequently with women who wait it out in a relationship that isn’t working for her.
For now – remember that passion comes back not from sex, but full engagement in the activities you do together.
Go take a trip down the Amazon (the river, not the site) and have an adventure together. That’s the BEST way to revive that feeling of love again.
Building a connection with a man is easy enough in the beginning. The novelty of meeting someone new and the crazy chemistry going on is all you need to get into a relationship.
But what happens after you’ve been together for some time and the years have piled up? You’ll need to make sure your shared connection stays strong over the years (or decades) because ALL couples are at risk of drifting apart.
It WILL happen one way or another if you ALLOW it. But there is a way to prevent this, and that’s figuring out your man’s connection style.
Every guy has his unique way of connecting to his partner. Not only will knowing your man’s connection style close that emotional distance between you, it will make sure neither of you will ever think about cheating ever.