If you're dating online, you might wonder if you should get off the online dating sites.
Well, there's a tricky situation you should know about...
And it's even important to you if you're NOT dating online!
Question from a Reader: GET OFF THE DATING SITES...?
I have been dating a great guy for 1 month. He says and does all the right things and appears to be very in to me.
He is very consistent with his texts and calling patterns. I only return his texts and calls, very seldom initiate any call or text.
It does not appear that he is seeing anyone else. I speak with him almost every evening that we are not together. We see each other twice per week.
However, I do see that he is on a dating site ‘shopping’ or looking or something. I am on the same site and when I go to his online profile he is online every few days. I am doing the same thing I suppose but mostly to see if he is on.
I really like him and do not want to see other men. I am meeting others however no one is comparing to him and what we have. I am likely engaging in more flirtatious activity than he is.
I want an exclusive relationship with him prior to sex of course.
He may bring up being exclusive before I do but how do I bring up the online dating site shopping if he still continues after we are ‘exclusive’?
Or do I mention it when I say that I only have a sexual relationship in an exclusive relationship? I do not want him to know I am spying on him because he would find this stalker-ish. What should I say when the sex/exclusive talk comes up which will be really soon?….
I also feel odd about saying that I don’t think he or I are ready for exclusivity since we are on track with a really great dating relationship. I feel if I say that I am not ready for exclusivity he will either think its a game or that I am a player. When we are out I tend to get alot of attention and I see that the does not like it.
He wants me all to himself which I like. We are both in the entertainment biz and are used to alot of craziness so I do not want to be perceived as any of that. Thought on what to say and/ or how to bring up the dating site shopping?
Thanks you so much.
Chris in Malibu, CA
CARLOS CAVALLO ANSWERS:
Chris, your situation is probably way more common than you think...
I actually ran into this situation with Jen, and she handled it in JUST the right way.
I'll tell you how in a second, but first I've got to have a session of BRUTAL HONESTY™ with you.
1) You want him off the dating site, but you're still on.
2) You say: "I am doing the same thing I suppose but mostly to see if he is on."
3) You say: "I do not want him to know I am spying on him because he would find this stalkerish."
Even though you think it's "stalker-ish" you're still doing it.
I actually didn't get "in your face" on those three items, because when it's repeated back to you, you usually don't need to be poked or teased for the obvious reality behind your actions.
I think you can smell what I'm cooking, as someone once said.
You already know what you're doing and why you're doing it.
Don't mislead yourself just because it "seems" like you're acting some way that a bad magazine article or self-righteous guru once told you was "inauthentic" or "game playing."
So let's break it down in 20 seconds or less...
Here's what you do:
1) Stay on the site.
You keep your profile active until he tells you he REALLY wants you all to himself.
And even then, you only make yourself invisible or inactive, but still check to see that he's done the same with his. And that he doesn't magically "appear" again later on. (Believe me: He won't be looking elsewhere - IF you follow the plan in Forever Yours.)
And let go of all those worries about how he sees you or how you're 'perceived.' Chasing other people's perceptions and trying to manipulate them is unnecessary when you're acting from your core power as a woman. You never need to worry about that stuff if you're not putting on an act, right?
And I never teach women how to be someone else to get their man. Only how to use what you've already got to get what you deserve.
2) You don't need to talk to him about any of the stuff you're thinking about right now.
You're only thinking these insecure and anxious thoughts because you've got something good, and you want to keep it. You're still in that awkward and unsettled early stage in the first month.
This is the way it's supposed to be!
As they say in sales: When you're ready to close the deal - just SHUT UP. The first person to speak loses.
Not literally LOSE, but you get the idea.
This is how MANY women lose a man's interest - by talking too much when they should just:
- Smile. (smirk, even.)
- Let him keep chasing you.
- STAY silent and happy that it's going in the right direction.
Basically, everything is where it needs to be right now, Chris.
I know there's some crazy dialogue that's coming up in your brain right now, telling you - heck, probably BEGGING you to DO something to make this relationship take form and become COMMITTED.
(I hope you learned my lesson on this from my 3 Questions Video)
3) Don't do anything different!
I don't know what it is about us humans, but we all feel this crazy urge when something is going right to *start doing something different.*
I don't know, maybe it's an American thing or something. But the truth is that if what you're doing is working - KEEP DOING IT!
You're fine. You're just a few weeks into a good thing.
The uncertainty in your head is prompting you to DO SOMETHING so that you can stop feeling this delightful uncertainty.
This uncertainty is a necessary part of the "fall in love" path. If you give in to the compulsion to meddle with it, remember that this is what ruins the sexual charge you need to make him yours.
Oh, and if you're wondering what it was that Jen did when I was still online, and we had started dating...
She did NOTHING. Because she knew she'd prevail if she just resisted the urge to mess it up.
And she knew those 3 Questions.
And if you want to be REALLY sure you do all the right things, I have a program that will help you stay on track.
And I'll even reveal the 3 Questions that open a man's heart, get him adoring you, and realizing that you're his soulmate.
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