I get quite a few emails from my readers, and I try to shape the weekly articles, videos, and podcasts to match the questions.
One thing I see in common in many of these emails is a belief...
It's a belief that will lead you down the wrong roads if you let it - and I felt compelled to point it out to you in this short post.
The belief is this:
If you have great sex with a guy, it means something.
I'm here to shatter this myth.
It doesn't mean 'something.'
Actually, it means absolutely NOTHING to your relationship.
(Guys fall for this one, too, by the way. Especially if he's gone a long time without.)
In fact, if you focus on this as a "sign" about your relationship, you're probably going to make it more likely that the relationship won't work out.
Here's what I think is going on for many women who fall for this myth: (It's an unspoken assumption more than anything...)
- "If we have great sex, that means we MUST have some kind of magical relationship connection!"
Also, the dangerous reason that many women want to attribute extra importance to this is this:
Pretending it's 'special' also justifies those times you had sex too soon (probably even KNOWING you shouldn't and doing it anyway) and were worried about "giving it up" too quickly.
If the sex turns out to be awesome, well that just gives you a big PHEW! moment that you can rest easy about.
PHEW! It worked out okay... I can make this mistake and get away with it (your subconscious mind says...)
Great sex is just ... great sex.
That's it. Nothing more.
There is no "meaning" behind it, other than finding someone you have good sexual compatibility with.
Yes, a positive sex life is an essential staple to a successful relationship.
But I don't care how many "O"s you have... or how many times he says "It's so different with you..." etc.
I want you to be careful of over-attributing importance to this one element - or mistakenly believing it means you were "meant to be."
Men are automatically triggered to de-value and discount women who are too easy. I know. I've felt this more times than I care to tell you.
There's an urge in people to want to jump immediately to LOVE when they discover they're good together in the bedroom. After all, something so "rare" must be precious and important, right?
If you jumped in bed with the next 50 guys you meet, you'd probably find maybe 5 that really locked Legos with you. And the "rareness" of this experience has almost nothing to do with the quality of your partner, really.
The really ironic part is that there were at least as many guys who didn't do so well in bed (that you could have trained and 'fixed') and would have been AMAZING partners for you.
But here's the reality that we don't usually face up to:
Unless there's some real trauma or sexual issues at work, sex in a deeply loving relationship will always be better.
It might not be "crazy wild" sex - but you can leave that for a weekend when you cut loose.
For now, stop pretending that what the media tells you is "freedom" or "liberating" or "empowering" is in your best interest.
Don't pretend that some novelty and a guy who knows the moves in bed means "soulmate."
Your job is to MAKE HIM CHASE YOU AND DESIRE YOU.
Giving him the Championship Ring for playing one game (i.e., one date) is never going to keep a man motivated to live up to his full potential in your relationship.
It's like saying you're okay with the first one who shows up. Which is also telling your self-esteem that you don't deserve much.
And it doesn't get better from here. You know that.
Sure you're free to go out and have as much fun as you like. As much as any man.
But don't delude yourself into thinking this is going to win a man's heart, or give him what he really wants to keep coming back for more.
Ask for what you want, and stop being easy for him.
Men Want CHALLENGE.