How to tell if a guy likes you
I’ve been answering quite a bit of some readers’ questions lately, and here’s one that caught my eye:
I absolutely loved them and I learned a lot so thanks for that.
You rightly state that men are like rubber bands which is absolutely true. I used to get upset about it but now I just leave them alone and they came back .
But my problem is that they keep doing it: They contact me then they pull away then they contact me again.
So my question is: What do I actually do when they do text me back? Getting upset was not working but playing it cool as if nothing happened does not work either as then they keep doing it … so I am at a loss!!
On top of that what usually happens is that: I meet guys, they invite me out once or twice but then they start doing that “I appear/I disappear” texting game but they don t actually ask me out again.
So the question is how do I get them to either ask me out or leave me alone?
Keep in mind that I am Italian, so I am used to guys who are very masculine and active pursuer and that according to my American girlfriends I am a bit too passive when i text american guys.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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However in a few occasions I pushed myself to be more active and initiated texting more, although I would not ask them out directly, but it still does not seem to change the dynamic, in fact I feel they do it even more …..
I asked directly a few guys and the answers I got were :
“You are tall, Italian and intimidating“
“I am just a shy guy“
“You sounded like you weren’t interested“
“I thought you just wanted to have fun“
“I thought I had to play games cause that is how it works with American girls”.
All these different replies have confused me even further!
Consider that somehow , although I am a very insecure person I attract men like honey attract bees so I have dated hundreds of guys. Therefore I am not basing this on a a few experiences and I am starting to think that there is something very wrong with me….
Please let me know what you think…
Cristina, thanks for this great question. It’s one that plagues a lot of women who know – deep in their heart – that they are attractive, but can’t seem to understand why so many men get scared and run.
As an Italian guy, I can also relate to the cultural differences that some men and women find hard to understand as well.
It’s not always commitment phobia that makes men pull away, and it’s very rarely whatever reason he tells you.
One of the worst mistakes in dating and relationships is to listen to the words people say when they try to explain their actions.
We hear their words and we actually start to believe that they are able to tell us the real story of why they did what they did.
Keep in mind this rule of human behavior:
We make irrational, emotional decisions, and then we justify them with logic.
And men are just as guilty of this as women.
Take, for instance, the example of a guy who goes to the local electronics store, and he sees a new 2000 inch plasma supercharged flat panel 3D smart television that he HAS TO HAVE.
His heart skips a beat, and his palms start to sweat…
He’s imagining watching his favorite action movie on that new big screen. He can imagine the stunned – and jealous – faces of his friends as they see his new acquisition.
As he hands the cashier his Visa card, and the clerk goes back to the stock room to get the box, he starts to rationalize his impulsive decision to buy that $5000 monster.
RATIONALIZTION: “My ‘old’ flat screen was on its last legs anyways…” (Even though it’s only 2 years old.)
RATIONALIZATION: “This one has the interface and the new uber Gafluxionizer menu that connects to my Playstation…” (Which of course does nothing that he couldn’t do with a few extra keypresses of his old remote.)
RATIONALIZATION: “I can give that old television to my mom.” (Which sounds like a great way to justify anything, right? Just give the old one to mom.)
You see what happened there, right? How we took a gut emotional decision and reverse engineered it to sound pretty smart?
It’s the same process for a guy who really wants that cool new gadget, or that woman who tried on a really expensive pair of shoes that she just wanted to “see how they looked.”
When in fact, she was really hoping to fall in love with them and give herself the final push to buy them.
She knows that if she can create the right situation, she can just give up her credit card in an act of weakness.
And then she can come up with any old excuse as to why she just HAD to have those shoes.
The funny thing is that we can do this all day long, and still tell ourselves that we’re not doing it at all. We hypnotize ourselves that we have a perfectly valid justification for our wildly emotional decision.
Well, the truth is that guys often do this with women they’re afraid to date.
There’s a proverb that there’s two reasons we do something: The one we tell other people, and the REAL reason.
So these guys gave you some confusing – and distracting – reasons, but maybe it was this guy who revealed the real reason: “I’m just a shy guy”
That guy at least realizes that he was the one who failed to act.
But shyness is a pretty tame reason to not follow through with a woman you were interested to start something up with.
So maybe it’s really THIS guy:
“You are tall, Italian and intimidating”
Who is telling the truth about his fears.
After all many women are intimidating to some guys. And the reality is that we men don’t like to have our jobs stolen by the ladies.
Men sincerely are looking for *feminine* women to date and marry.
And I want to be clear that it’s not because we feel “threatened by empowered women” – or any of that nonsense.
It comes back to the simple desire that we guys really crave the embrace and experience of the raw feminine sexual energy that we desire so much.
(Bottom line is that men are attracted to women who are WOMEN… not women behaving like MEN.)
And here’s another reason that men pull the appear/disappear act you mention…
Some guys just like to play with the energy, but just don’t have the balls to jump in and risk playing the game.
The modern man has what I call “Scaredy Cat” game with women, where he doesn’t want to risk the possibility of rejection, so he keeps some women around as both validation and as a possibility for later.
His “consolation prize” is that he gets to admire from afar without risking.
But ultimately, it does come down to SOMETHING different in the way you’re handling these guys.
I went through a spell where women were constantly letting me get my foot in the door, feeling like I was getting a real romantic connection…
…until they slammed the door on me right before things got sexually intimate.
This happened about a dozen times, and had me to the point where I was screaming out the window of my Jeep on the way home from dates.
It seemed crazy that I could be running into women that did the same thing to me over and over.
It was like they had a giant conspiracy against me or something.
But then I realized what was common to all these situations. I discovered the one thing that was the same in all of them.
It was ME.
And when I finally figured it out, I was able to finally stop looking at THEM as being the problem. And – funny enough – it was when I stopped seeing THEM as the problem that I figured it all out.
Now you might think that my little story means that I think YOU are the problem, Cristina.
Truth is – I don’t know.
But I DO know the power of dynamics in dating between men and women.
We always have a part in creating the energy of our relationships. And we also play a part in repelling or pushing them away, too.
You might be “culturally handicapped” from being around more aggressive Italian guys. You might not be giving them the signals they need to let themselves jump into pursuit mode with you.
What I would recommend is that you take a long look at your text communications with these guys. And have a girlfriend of yours take a look, too.
Somewhere in there is a hint as to why they’re losing their nerve to pursue you.
Where I reveal those signals men need to see to open up their hearts, fall head over heels for you, and worship the ground you walk on.
Yours in Perfect Passion,
– Carlos Cavallo