Have you ever wondered, is he torturing you on purpose? Is this just a man playing with your head and your heart?
I'll explain more if a guy is leading you on in this Q&A:
QUESTION FROM A READER:
So I met a guy a few months ago. He says he wants to date and have it hopefully go further. He is VERY busy (he’s not just saying that, he really is swamped with work and gets very little sleep and tells me about it.)
Communication is very difficult and I have not seen him in months!!! I want things to go further but I’m at a loss for what to do here. We talk fairly regularly…
I initiate emails or texts often (bad, I know, but I’m afraid I’ll stop hearing from him!) He says he has interest but things are hard. I’m so frustrated and it’s taking a huge toll on me.
I know that if a guy is seriously interested, NOTHING will keep him from making more of an effort and pursuing. I've tried everything here. I’m afraid to pull away because I’m afraid he will be so busy that he won’t notice or care.
WHAT THE HECK DO I DO?!?!
I've dated guys since him and he’s the one I want. It’s driving me crazy. How do I get him to make more of an effort and problem solve?
Or is he just sadistic and stringing me along even though it hurts me? I’m clueless here.
CARLOS CAVALLO ANSWERS:
First off, I can assure you that he's probably not sadistic.
The fact of the matter is that we often don't realize that most people only act in self interest - even if that self-interest hurts people around them.
You already have the keys to your answer in what you told me, so I'm going to hit them here really quick...
1)He is VERY busy (he’s not just saying that, he really is swamped with work and gets very little sleep and tells me about it.)
I have to ask - is this a special situation, OR is this the way his life will probably be for the foreseeable future...?
Because while you DO want a man who is ambitious and works toward his goals, you also need a man that can pull back and balance things out....
2) You said:
"I’m so frustrated and it’s taking a huge toll on me. I know that if a guy is seriously interested, NOTHING will keep him from making more of an effort and pursuing. I've tried everything here. I’m afraid to pull away because I’m afraid he will be so busy that he won’t notice or care."
You're absolutely right about the interest part. If he's genuinely interested, he'll act on that interest.
We often excuse people out of things by listening to their "logical" explanations, and not wanting to admit that the truth is that if you want something bad enough, you'll do what it takes to get it.
Right now, it appears that his work is more important do him.
Now, you say that you're afraid to pull away, but the reality is that you know you MUST do this. But what you're really saying is that you're afraid that he doesn't feel the same way about you.
So you'd rather continue doing what's not working, in the hopes that you can avoid finding that out.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's a simple game of trying to avoid getting your feelings hurt. And I understand that.
But think about a few more months of this pain, because the pattern won't change without you to start respecting your own time and value.
Then, after a few more months, he goes and finds someone else or just ends it. And now you feel the cumulative pain of letting him have that control over your heart.
Take back the ownership! He's not fit for stewarding this relationship, or impacting your self respect and value.
If you haven't seen him in months, and he hasn't initiated seeing you in months, it's already over. You're just clinging to the wreckage here.
And ultimately, that will make it harder for you to connect to the next guy who IS genuinely interested.
Stop holding on to the fantasy. Starting now, you're going to have to pull away and let him realize that you're not going to be taken advantage of and taken for granted.
And if he really does want a relationship, it's the only way he's going to realize it. He can't value something that he doesn't understand he can lose.
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