You might like the guy you're dating right now, and you want this relationship to grow. But something inside you has you on alert: "Is He Using Me?" you wonder.
Maybe something feels off about him. Or maybe you're wondering if he's a player...
Or you could be wondering if you're just being too paranoid about the whole thing. And the last thing you want to do is ruin love by being too suspicious, right?
Too good to be true?
Well, let's talk about some of the warning signs that a guy is using you. These will help you spot the guys who try to take advantage of you so you can avoid them.
First of all, let me help you take a huge breath and relax: Most men are not users, players, or jerks.
Most guys are really decent, heartfelt men.
However, if you experience a lot of losers & users in your life, you may want to take a look at your dating style a bit. Because you may be doing something that attracts this kind of guy to you.
Let me be clear: I'm not saying it's your fault.
The unfortunate reality is that a certain kind of guy is going to look for certain signals. Certain behaviors will wake up his predatory instincts.
And if you happen to accidentally show these signals to him, he may focus on you as his prey.
Let me be clear again: This kind of behavior from a guy is UNACCEPTABLE, in my opinion. And staying with a guy like this is also equally unacceptable.
I'll talk more about that in a bit, but first let's jump in with:
Is He Using You?
SIGN #1: He's A Real Rico...
Maybe you remember this old character from a song in the early 90's - "Rico Suave." This guy was so smooth with women that it was truly over-the-top. The name became synonymous with a ladies man.
He's usually fit, tanned, charismatic, good looking, smooth with words... He's everything a woman wants. Which immediately starts your radar pinging.
But the problem is - He's EVERYTHING YOU WANT!
It's hard to resist, and most women often just throw themselves headfirst in love with him. Even though you know it's just not a good idea.
Well, ladies - you know what you're getting with this guy. There's not much to say other than avoid him from the start.
SIGN #2: Your Friends Are Hip...
Look, if there's one thing a User can't do, it's fool someone that he's not in a relationship with. For the obvious reason that women who are not under the user's spell are going to see through his act.
They're on to him...
And your friends will tell you they smell what he's cooking. He's not going to be able to charm them like he would you.
And that's a warning sign right there - if he seems to be TRYING to charm your friends into liking him a bit too much.
Also - look at your own behavior: Are you finding yourself justifying him a lot? Defending him?
That's another indication that they have spotted something in him that you can't see.
Watch how your friends respond when you talk about him. If they don't seem genuinely and emotionally into your relationship - or at least happy for you - you've got something worth looking at.
They are seeing something in his behavior that you are not.
SIGN #3: You don't think you're the only Sheila...
Look, odds are that if he's a user or a player, you're not going to be the only girl in his little black book.
Does he have a lot of "girl" friends...?
On the low end of the scale, he could just be an unfaithful kind of guy. Men who can't stay true to their woman are typically guys who are insecure and need sexual validation quite a bit.
On the high end of the scale, he might be a serial User that's out there catfishing every woman he can dig into for money...
But again, this is a rare case, and is only celebrated on reality TV and shock news reports, and clickbait ads.
If you think he's seeing other women when you're supposed to be in a committed relationship, you need to consider that a real big warning sign.
SIGN #4: He's got one of those, you know - Reputations...
If there's one thing you might not want to believe, it's what you hear from other people about him. Unfortunately, reputations are one of the easiest things to fall into. But they're most often right on the money.
He's a bad boy...
Pay attention to what you hear, especially if you find yourself getting emotionally defensive about it. The fact is that gossip might be ugly and hurtful, but it's not usually wrong.
Especially if you're in your 40s or older and dating. If this guy hasn't been in some serious long-term relationships, or married by this point, you have to wonder: Why not...?
SIGN #5: It's his DUTY to...
Ahem, I'm about to get a little vulgar here and finish that phrase: He feels it's his duty to please that booty...
In other words, he's using you as a friends with benefits arrangement.
I'm sure you know if you're actually in this arrangement. It's usually pretty obvious when you see that he only wants to see you on HIS schedule... or he only shows up later at night when he knows he can get a little "action."
Or he shows up at the party you invited him to - about 3 or 4 hours into it. Just in time to take you home...
Yeah. Booty call.
So it's up to you to set the boundaries with him and let him know that you will not tolerate it. After all, if you DO tolerate mistreatment, the problem isn't really him.
SIGN #6: Who you gonna call...?
One of them most obvious signs that this guy is only into a convenient, low-investment relationship is when he ghosts you for no reason. Then he pulls a Sign #5 (Booty call) on you another time.
Maybe you brought up commitment...
Maybe you asked if he wanted to go away with you for the weekend...
Maybe you brought up the "L" word...
Maybe you let him know that you don't want to sleep with him until after you have built up some connection...
And he just disappeared.
Does he come and go as he pleases? He may be using you...
That's player behavior, through and through.
So, I'd say you should call Ghostbusters on this guy. And exorcise this bad spirit out of your life.
If he ghosts you, he's showing a real lack of character. Rest assured - it will catch up with him later. You don't need to prove anything by cussing him out on his voicemail.
Just let Time do its trick of showing him a few lessons.
SIGN #7: He isn't into your feelings...
And what I mean is that he doesn't seem to really care much how you feel. About anything, really.
If you have a bad day, or have a series of your own unfortunate events, and he can't look up from the television and check in with you, showing real human compassion...
Drop him faster than 1st period French class, honey. This guy's a User.
He needs to show some amount of interest and caring about your emotions, your life, your dreams... all the stuff that's important to YOU. Or he's not what you want in your life.
Plain and simple.
SIGN #8: Hey, can you do me a favor...?
Yeah, users and players are notorious for wanting favors from you. Sometimes these favors involve money, but often they just make you his errand girl.
"Can you pick up my dry cleaning?"
"Hey, can you grab me something from the store?"
"Would you bring me a sandwich...?"
"Would you stop by and drop off..."
The list of favors he's got is as endless as his to-do list.
Is he a "me" monkey?
Sure, in a loving relationship where there is caring between you, favors are no big deal. But if you check in with yourself and feel like you're being taken advantage of, you're probably right.
You want to see if it's love or a user? Just ask HIM to do YOU a favor after you've done one for him. If you hear excuses or resistance, walk out and never talk to him again.
There are other girls who will lower their self-respect for him. But that's not YOU.
You're not going to let him walk all over your self-esteem and turn you into a doormat.
SIGN #9: He's Selfish In The Sack...
There are some cases of guys who only want FWB (Friends With Benefits) who are good lovers. But the reality is that if he's only using you, he's going to be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.
You'll find yourself giving way more than you get...
He'll finish first, and not take care of YOUR business...
If you want to do something different in the sack, he'll make excuses, telling you "he's not into that..."
I'll admit - back in my wild & crazy days of youth, I was a bit of a bad boy. I wasn't around for the long-term. And yet I still made sure she got hers when it came to the wild monkey love.
If he can't be troubled to give to you in the bedroom, the relationship is doomed before it begins. It's not even worth an attempt to reform him, because he lacks the basic instinct of generosity.
SIGN #10: He's Completely Unreliable...
This one shows up in so many different ways:
He's reliant on you for money to survive...
He's never on-time...
He never follows through on his promises...
He tells you he's going to introduce you to his family, but it never happens...
The word of a User isn't worth anything.
He might be a user...
You may be tempted to keep giving him new chances to "make it up for you" or "prove that he's changed..." but he never seems to be able to pull that off. He will be very convincing in his attempts to get you to believe him.
But the endings will always leave you unhappy. Maybe even worse off than before.
And again, I want to caution you not to blame him too much if you haven't ever sat him down and told him your expectations and requirements for the relationship.
A lot of people I've coached think that it's best to just assume your relationship is fine. But then they discover that they never set a healthy boundary for what it is they truly want.
If you want to avoid the users and the players out there, I've got something that can help you right now.
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