TALKING TRASH: What You're Doing Wrong In Bed With Him...

By: Carlos Cavallo
 |

Let's start out by saying that we all are a bit nervous when it comes to a new partner - especially when it comes to the bedroom.

After all, we want to not only be attractive to our partner, we want to be competent at making them feel good! And that's something we don't want to fail at.

So even though this article is written from a negative point of view - what you're doing wrong - it's still going to come from a heart-centered place of understanding that we don't need to feel faulty or damaged because of mistakes we make in bed.

My goal here is to talk about the mistakes women make with men in the bedroom so that you can avoid any glaringly obvious problems later on.

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Bedroom don'ts...

There are some obvious things to avoid:

  • Keep your teeth away from Mr. Happy at ALL times...
  • Over-cuddling - anything over 10 minutes is going to feel smothering...
  • Doing the "dead starfish" position in bed - super un-cool...
  • 100 Questions afterwards - save it for the next day...

And I want to add that just because you read about some cool move in bed from a magazine at the grocery checkout, that doesn't make it gospel. You only need to do a few things RIGHT in bed to earn his love and respect.

What You're Doing Wrong In Bed #1 - You're not playing to win...

You may have heard me talk about this in the past, but there's a rule for how to play this game o' love:

Play to WIN... Don't play to not-lose...

There's a difference here, and it might escape you at first glance.

Playing to win is a fully committed game...

Playing to not lose is a scaredy-cat game

The game in bed is simply to stay focused on what your man is both showing and telling you about the level of intimacy. And to stay focused on this as an issue for BOTH men and women.

There's a great scene in the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall, where Woody Allen is talking to his psychiatrist about his sex life, as he says: "We never have sex! It's like ... maybe 3 times a week!"

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He sees a desert. She sees a buffet...

Cut to his girlfriend talking to her psychiatrist about the same thing: "We're always having sex! Like... 3 times a week!"

It's funny, and it illustrates something that is not often discussed:

There is an epidemic of sex-starved husbands out there in the world today. You might not know it, but it's there.

Women's wants and needs receive endless public attention in the media today. So how come we can't talk about married men's greatest longing – for more sex?

Take a look at your own commitment level, and see if you're really "all in." You might be surprised at what you find...

What You're Doing Wrong In Bed #2 - You're not having fun...

I really can't stress this enough - guys are not looking for un-fun partners in life. I'll bet the same is true of you as well.

No one wants a boring, stodgy old fart for a lover. And that also applies to the bedroom.

When you're with a man, how much fun are you having?

I find that if the person I'm with is not particularly into it, or not really enthusiastic, or fun - it's because of their baggage.

Their STUFF.

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Which woman looks fun to you...?

And like it or not, the best relationship you can hope to have with someone is going to be in direct proportion to the amount of junk you're carrying around.

The fastest way a guy can tell if you're emotionally healthy is to see how much fun you're having. When a person feels free enough to have fun, they're probably pretty relaxed on the inside.

What You're Doing Wrong In Bed #3 - You're not a porn star...

I don't mean that you're not a porn star and you need to be a porn star for him - nope.  I'm actually saying the opposite: Women often try the stuff they see in porn movies without understanding why that position/move/phrase was used in the first place.

Why is that thing appealing to men...? Etc.

Actually, you can learn quite a bit from adult movies. However, you have to read between the lines as to why a certain technique was used.

For example: You know those scenes where the guy puts his... 

No, sorry, I'm not going into that kind of detail here...
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BUT I'll explain a little about what he's looking for in those movies that he rarely experiences in real life:

  • Presence - how "there" the women appear to be - she doesn't look like she's lost in memories of Downton Abbey episodes...
  • Enthusiasm - She seems to WANT to be there with the man - excited to be giving pleasure...
  • Acceptance - Men need to feel like the woman he's being with completely accepts him as he is. Far rarer an experience than you might imagine...
  • Desired - He wants to feel like she REALLY wants HIM, not just some part of him - like his wallet...

Yes, I'm sure you could come up with a bunch of headstrong rationalization about any one of those points, but let me tell you something -

FROM A MAN: This is what we men want, and the adult movie makers know it.

Sure, some of them can stray off into certain fetishes and fantasies, but they all play to these common needs. Nearly every single time.

So if you add in those elements into your intimate time, you'll be amazed with how he responds to you. Not just IN the bedroom, but out as well.

What You're Doing Wrong In Bed #4 - You're not pre-playing...

Pre-playing is my description of that time in a relationship when you're not already in the bedroom. It's not "foreplay" either.

It's simply a way of recognizing that if you don't pay attention to the quality of your relationship outside the bedroom, you will likely suffer quite a bit when it comes time to get together IN the bedroom.

You have to pre-play your sex life so that you don't have this tension-filled relationship on the outside, and then expect the physical intimacy will somehow just "happen." We know it doesn't, yeah?

Pre-playing takes thought. It takes a little focus.

Because one of the easiest things to just "let go" is the attention we give to our relationship. After all, it's supposed to be effortless when it's "right," right?

But a relationship takes care and feeding, just like anything else in our lives that needs maintenance. Love isn't a "care-free" package.

And there are no warranties if they break down!

So make sure you're giving the attention where it needs to be, and don't let your relationship fall into disrepair just because you feel it should "take care of itself."

What You're Doing Wrong In Bed #5 - You're always waiting for HIM...

This one is probably one of the most common complaints, and many women don't understand it.

Let me explain this one...

Guys love initiating at the start, especially when our advances are received. That validates us as men - that we're not only virile and sexy, but desired.

But later on, we've got a big question that pops up - and it might sound familiar to you: "Is she just going along with me, or does she actually WANT me?"

You see, both men and women have a need to feel DESIRED.

This is why many people wind up cheating in their relationships. Someone comes along when the relationship is at a ho-hum point, and they show real, passionate desire. That's incredibly seductive.
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So if you're always waiting for your guy to initiate, because YOU want to feel desired... stop and think for a moment how HE might feel the same way.

For many women, there's a huge element of risk in this.

  1. You don't want to feel "slutty" by being the sexually assertive one...
  2. You don't want to risk being turned down...

Well, guys obviously have no problem with the "slutty" part. But we have the exact same fear of rejection you do, as well. It sucks.

The fact is that a man is much more likely to be turned down for sex than a woman. That should be common sense to you and almost everyone reading this.

I propose that there is a balance in the bedroom initiative.

You being aggressive is a huge turn-on for guys, by the way. We love it when a woman takes charge and asks for what she wants.

What do you think?

Leave your comments below...

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