Why do guys act interested and then disappear?
This has to be the number one question of all time that I get. Almost every single week someone emails me about the following pattern:
- She meets a new guy
- He seems cool, really into her
- She starts thinking - ooh! This is the ONE!
- She get excited, calls her girlfriends, tells mom, etc.
- Out of nowhere, the guy stops calling, texting, and communicating in any way
- Girl starts beating head against the wall and emailing Carlos...
Sometimes that step 5 - him disappearing - happens all at once, or sometimes slowly...
But it happens - and it confuses the heck out of you.
Well, I'm going to do a deep dive into this, and we're going to talk some serious trash on this one right here and right now...
First of all, you probably find yourself asking:
QUESTION 1: "Is he just commitment-phobic?"
I will tell you this - and I've said it time after time after time...
Most men are NOT commitment phobic!
- We may be communication inept...
- We may have intimacy issues...
- We may have TRUST issues...
But the reality is that men don't disappear ONLY because you got close to him.
What usually happens, quite honestly, is that you were too damn easy.
Men want commitment, too!?
And there are a lot of guys who do seek only the relationship where he can stay superficial. These guys should be easy to detect if you are paying attention to your own instincts and intuition.
However, if you shut off your instincts and intuition by turning too much attention on "What does he think? Does he like me...?"
If you are in this kind of outward focus that isn't connected inside you, you're more likely to miss all the signals.
QUESTION 2: "Is he just after sex?"
It sure looks like it, doesn't it?
He hits you up for a booty call - or maybe a one night stand on the date, and then he's gone.
It might look like he's only after the bedroom mambo, but in the end he's looking for the same things you are: Love, connection, the feeling of being desired...
The difference is that men don't understand that getting intimate TOO EARLY is the one thing that will kill a potential relationship. And most women don't feel this because they don't have the same inner need to be challenged as strong as men do.
Wham! Bam! Thank you...?
Don't get me wrong: You still have a need to not have things too easy. But men REQUIRE it to fall in love.
When a man has to work for a woman's affections, he is investing himself. And when he does that, his brain switches on a new dialogue:
- Man's brain: "Hey, what's going on here? Why am I working so hard?"
- Man's brain: "Well, I want to win her over..."
- Man's brain: "So... if I'm working hard to win her, she must be worth it? She must be valuable, right?"
- Man's brain: "Yeah! So I need to keep working to win this prize..."
And that's how he thinks - all the way up until he sleeps with you. After that, he checks in on the scales and sees how much effort he put in stacks up against the feeling of being with you in bed.
If the effort was too little, and the feeling not all that (one influences the other, btw) - he knows he won't be coming back. And he'll just think it was because he wasn't that into you.
When in fact, it was because you didn't show him how into you he could have been!
QUESTION 3: "Is he just scared of intimacy?"
Again, another question that comes up that is easy to mistake for the truth.
God knows there's a ton of books on the self-help aisle of the stores telling you that every guy out there is afraid of intimacy. He's afraid to connect...
Men appear to be afraid of any kind of relationship, right?
Men just connect and create relationships DIFFERENTLY than women do.
You see with other guys, men have no problem bonding and connecting. But with women it seems to change.
Here's why -
Men connect through spending time with a person. This is especially true when he's connecting with women.
No! Not intimacy and connection!
Now, if a woman sleeps with a guy too soon, she shortcuts this process. AND she shortcuts the part of his brain that just wanted a challenge.
Most women don't realize how this part of a man's brain is important.
Think about it yourself: Is it easier for you to feel gratitude for something that you got easily, or something that took a large amount of effort to attain?
If you're being completely honest with yourself, you know that the things you worked the hardest for are the things you treasure the most.
And that's what's going on inside his little brain. A man realizes how much effort was required to "win" a woman, and that's how he determines the level of value you have.
Yeah - you do this too!
You ever have a guy that was just TOO into you, too easy, too ready and willing to take you out? You might not have felt it at first because you were basking in the warm glow of his desire. But something probably felt weird.
That was your social radar telling you that if he's such a great catch, why is he so desperate?
Well, that's a built-in instinct for everyone.
QUESTION 4: "Did I do something wrong?"
Yeah, at the end of this crazy train of wondering why he pulled away is the really big one:
You wonder if you did something seriously wrong and spooked him.
That's the one we don't want to admit, but it's also our constant fear. That we may have scared them off with our own "crazy." This also triggers feelings of inadequacy and sadness.
Sure, we you have done something that "triggered" him to run. But you also have to remember that you don't control his "triggers."
- He might have thought you looked too much like his mom...
- He might have a weird thing about body types (likes them heavy/likes them skinny)
- He might be looking for a super tall girl with big boobs... or super short girl with small boobs...
The point is that you don't control these things. And even if they were something you could control - like your hair color, for instance - who says that's something you want to change for him?
When it comes to behavior, yeah, you might have said something that set him off. But again, how awful could it have been?
AND - remember that we each have agency in our lives - the ability to act for ourselves. He could easily have sought clarification if it was something that struck him wrong.
I remember I had a date with a woman who was sweet, but poorly socially calibrated. At one point in the conversation, she made a slightly tasteless remark about my mother (who had passed a couple years prior.) When I asked for clarification, she crumbled a bit and dismissed it.
Foot in mouth.
Now, I could have judged her outright for her remark, but after asking her I realized that she felt really embarrassed, nervous, and foolish about what she'd said.
We all have this ability to take this kind of action in our lives.
What's more interesting is what it this feeling of worrying you said something wrong says about you.
Why does that fear come up? Is it all the time?
Take some time to really immerse yourself in your own experience about that...
Really feel into your experience and discover the source of that. It could have been something someone said to you once in a conversation... or an angry reaction you got from your mom or dad as a kid...
There are lots of ways this kind of fear can present itself, and it usually says more about US on our growth path than it does about our potential partner.
What do you think? Comment below!
And don't forget to read my article on connection HERE