Why Men Pull Away
I want to talk with you about crossing that gender divider for a minute to come over to the guy side. I want to talk to you about what it’s like for guys on the other side of the fence and how we think and what’s going through our minds.
I’m sure that’s something you’re curious about.
You’re wondering, “What is going through his meaty little head? Why is he so confusing?”
Well, the reality is he’s really not that confusing if you know how simple we actually think. We often look for a lot more meaning behind something than is actually there.
One of the things that social anthropologists have figured out about the difference between men and women is that women very often look for much more meaning behind the words.
The reason guys do this is actually very practical, it’s because most of the women that he grew up with and most of the girls he socialized with did kind of hide the meaning behind what they really meant.
Because, unfortunately, as a woman you couldn’t be as direct.
Directness in a woman is not a rewarded trait.
When you’re a kid, if you’re too direct, well, you’re thought of as being the “difficult girl” or the “bitchy girl” – or pretty much the one that “stood out.” It was a non-desirable trait in a woman, let’s say it that way.
Being up-front and direct didn’t go well with other girls so you had to be a smooth talker.
You had to be socially savvy and to smooth out the wrinkles – AND stay political in your dealings with other girls.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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As a result, what happened was you knew that other girls were hiding things under their words. They rarely said exactly what they meant.
And you had to be very careful how you pried information out. They weren’t giving up all the goods.
Now, what this means to most women is that you grew up thinking EVERYBODY is like that. That guys are like that.
That we’re somehow hiding a lot of information behind our words. Sometimes we are, because we don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings.
But most times, we say pretty much exactly what we’re thinking and feeling.
That’s like a primary drive for men: we want to make you happy.
So we may not be as direct sometimes, and sometimes we’ll just white lie our way through a situation to avoid confrontation.
But that’s not something you need to be concerned about because once a guy is IN the relationship with you, generally speaking, guys will most often tell you exactly what they’re thinking.
Now, I’ve given a much more detailed analysis of the different times when a guy does hold back a little bit on the truth and when you should be looking further into his words, and I talk about that in the Connection Code.
It’s one of my banner products for those of you that are looking to have a better relationship and really create a connection with a man:
Now, what I want to show you are the things that make guys freak out when we’re dating and what occasionally throws us for a loop. This is good information for you to know because you’ll be aware what some of our sore spots are.
Now, here’s some of the things we worry about:
– “What if she’s not that impressed with us?”
– “What if she’s not impressed with me?”
– “Should I maybe show off some pictures of my karate championship trophies, or stuff like that?”
We don’t want to disappoint women, and we don’t even know necessarily what it is you even like about us. We wonder how do we play ourselves up and how do we impress you as well as avoid disappointing you with the things that we can’t do well.
So we worry – what if you’re not impressed with us? What if you don’t find us interesting enough to be sexually attracted to?
Another thing we worry about is the conversation during the date.
Such as, what if my best joke doesn’t really get you to laugh? There’s nothing worse for us than the thought of that pregnant pause or the uncomfortable silence after somebody tells a joke and the other person doesn’t find it all that funny.
It’s basically one of the most traumatic things that the guy can experience on a date.
He doesn’t want to experience that, but he’s going to try anyway, so he’s got that fear running through his head.
What if he’s got to go pee in the middle of dinner? He’s going to leave you for a minute, and what if he has to do it more than once because he’s got “nervous bladder syndrome.”
What’s that going to do? What kind of impression is that going to make for you?
Believe it or not, yeah, we wonder about that.
We worry about being stood up.
This is a huge one for guys. We definitely do not want to be sitting at a restaurant petrified at making eye contact with anybody including our waiter because we got stood up.
She didn’t show up for the date, and then we got to try and play it off like, “Oh yeah, I didn’t think she’s going to show up anyway.”
Now, that’s a huge one for us, getting stood up is awful for a guy. It’s terrible.
This is the same as it is for women.
What if she happens to bring up her ex-boyfriend? Yikes.
Or what if I accidentally talk about my ex-girlfriend? Oh.
Or what if one of them shows up at the restaurant? Aah!
There’s nothing worse than having basically nothing to talk about, but actually even worse than that is having to hear about or talk about an ex-boyfriend of hers that she’s clearly not gotten over yet.
Which tells us right off the bat we’re not getting anywhere and this date is basically a therapy session.
Or we both end up going on and on about our ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend and it turns out to be a mutual therapy session instead of a date. It’s not cool.
But that’s one that you can help with by NOT bringing up your ex. Just leave him out of the picture. He doesn’t need to be there.
What if we take you to a restaurant and the restaurant is more expensive than we expect? Or you ordered a lobster?
On Yelp, it’s one of those five dollar sign restaurants, and we feel our wallet emptying. We are fully intending to pick up the check, but you know what, NOT every guy is made out of money.
And if he’s out there on the dating scene, he’s a little cost conscious.
I mean, he’s not intending to be cheap, but he’s just got to keep in mind that he’s got to be able to afford his own hobbies, his own life.
And he’s got to be able to court women – most of whom he may never see again!
We get used to that as guys. Our math is that for every ten dates we go out on, who knows… MAYBE one of those turns into a one night stand or at least a short-term girlfriend, but those are ten dates we’ve got to spend upwards of $75 or more on depending on the restaurant you go to.
Then we worry about, “Oh, how much should we drink?
Should we drink a little? Should we drink a lot?
How much is enough? How much is enough to make it socially lubricated and interesting enough for you?”
Should we match whatever you’re drinking because you’re probably going to be nervous too?
Could we get so drunk that the date is actually no longer awkward?
What will happen if we have to run off and puke?
Would we get so drunk that we’re going to do a one night stand that neither one of us remembers?
Yeah, so we worry about the drinking situation.
What about the condom?
Oh yeah, a guy’s got to carry a condom because it’s his responsibility even though, yes, more and more today women do carry their own protection with them.
Guys don’t want to look cocky or that he’s being presumptuous if he flashes you his Trojan-Ribbed-for-her-pleasure sticking out of your wallet.
But we also don’t want to also be without one, just in case. So we’ve got to be careful about showing that telltale ring silhouette in our wallet.
Next worry: How do I look?
Did I dress myself up correctly here?
Does it look like my mom did this?
What does this shirt say about me as a person?
That’s a crazy thing we have to worry about, but it’s one that women can relate to.
We have to actually try and think about what women interpret things because we do know that women look at our appearance with a lot of scrutiny. We do our best, and we probably never do well enough, but we try.
Another thing we worry about when it comes to dating is: What is the best way to ask somebody out without sounding like a creepy stalker dude?
Or on the other hand, sound like he doesn’t really care that much, so he doesn’t sound too needy. He doesn’t want to sound too nonchalant either, so how do we walk that line?
When we find somebody that we’re totally into, asking her out is a whole other question for guys because we don’t want to risk that rejection. It’s big, Big, BIG deal with guys.
The rejection issue is a killer of confidence – so we’ve got to figure out how soon do we ask her out – and how long do we wait?
Do we avoid saying anything for sometimes years, like some guys do?
Or do we ask her immediately?
Do we get her phone number and then we text her a lot and then try and build a connection?
And then we think, “Okay, do I ask her out when I text her or should I call her up and text her … or should I maybe send her a note in a bottle or maybe a delivery boy can stick it in her Chinese food?”
The options here are just unbelievably complicated, and of course, they stress us out.
Then we worry about YOU.
We worry “Maybe this chick might be like not so hot or maybe she’s not so interesting.”
When I say “not so hot,” I don’t mean appearance, like she’s not what we thought she was or she’s not that attractive or wasn’t as attractive as we thought on first impression. She isn’t as bubbly or giggly or cute.
We’re going to see those parts of her that may not be all that attractive. So we worry about, “What if we’re wasting our time?”
That first impression that we thought was great, well, that was a complete fluke, or maybe we were both just too drunk to really notice any difference.
Then we worry about whether or not we’re really going to be compatible or we’re really going to be interested in each other.
We even worry about, when it comes to the end of that date, do we kiss her?
SHOULD we kiss her?
Should we try for a hug?
Or if I do kiss her, what happens when I do?
Am I going to forget how to do it?
Am I going to be a total slob about it?
That whole idea of the first kiss with a certain person is such an awkward moment that your brain basically blacks everything out.
Have you noticed that? I call it “first kiss blackout.”
It’s where you go for the kiss, you don’t even realize what happened until after you pull away and you’re like, “Oh, was that good?”
You don’t know because your mind blotted it out. You don’t want to face the reality so you’re going to have to basically try out an old skill all over again with a new person.
Of course, it’s something that comes naturally with somebody that you’ve been with for a while, but the first time with somebody new… holy geez, it’s scary!
Last but not least, there is that ultimate overriding fear of everything which is:
What if we don’t get another date with this girl?
I mean, there’s a kind of twisted relief we men feel when we reach that moment on a date and we get to leave. We get to walk home or walk back to our car and realize, “Wheew, thank God it’s over.”
Sometimes – and this is even more neurotic – We know we’re never going to see each other again… and actually it feels good! Even when we liked you.
It feels like you’ve just got off a roller coaster and you can finally relax. It might have been a little touch and go there for a while, but we survived.
That’s not such a bad situation.
Well – there is another worry.
What we worry the most about is the prospect that the date goes well, and that means we’ve got to ask for a second date – and we’ve got to do this whole thing all over again. What if we get another date and what if all these things happen all over again?
So do you see how that mental stress compounds for a guy?
It’s mixed up and it makes our dating life, I wouldn’t say miserable, but it definitely makes it much more neurotic and anxiety-ridden than it needs to be.
But there’s an effective way to take all those negative, stressful emotions out of the equation. And that’s understanding what makes a guy tick to cut through the confusion.