Has the guy you're with ever started acting strange on you? Would you like to know what to do when he starts acting strange?
AND why he's doing it?
Today's question from a reader is a situation you may find familiar...
QUESTION FROM A READER:
After dating my boyfriend for 2 months, everything seemed perfect. He was the first to say he had feelings for me and did every single thing to make me happy.
But then he started to behave strange, he had excuses to meet up and was always hanging out with his female best friend. Not that she seemed jealous that he was dating me since he wasn’t paying that much attention to her.
Then I approached him and asked him what was going on. And he said his mind was conflicted cause he was having a wandering eye and that he didn’t want to date someone who does the same thing he does (law enforcement) (he knew this before dating me).
He said his head was driving him crazy and that needed time to think.
I agreed to give him time but in the meanwhile I became pushy when I saw that every time I tried to set up a hang out he gave me an excuse an later found out he was hanging out with his female best friend.
That same day he tells me he still has feelings for me but that he doesn’t want to disrespect me.
Last weekend I was sick and I was telling him that I went to the doctor and I got no reply and I asked him why he was so cold. That if he really had feelings for me and he said he likes me a lot but that’s it.
And I asked him that if he does for someone else an he says he has a fling for somebody else. And that he wants to talk to talk to different girls cause he’s young.
I told him he chose the other girls over me but then he said that If he has to fight for me he will. I don’t understand him. Any insights Carlos?
______________________ CARLOS CAVALLO ANSWERS:
Thanks for your email, Michelle. I think a lot of women will relate to what you're going through.
And, yeah... you gotta love that old "I'm confused" line.
Hey, men AND women give this one out all the time. But it usually boils down to one thing...
The confusion is all self-created. It's created when we do this:
- I've got two people I'm interested in...
- One is attracting me on a gut/sexual level...
- and the other is someone I'm keeping around as a backup.
- I WANT to like her, but the other one has my attention...
Sure, there are other scenarios, but the bottom line is that he's not really confused. He's using that excuse so he doesn't have to admit what's REALLY going on inside him.
And to keep his options open.
Let's remember Carlos' clear rules of "Real-ationships™":
If someone is *genuinely* interested in you, they will not take steps to avoid you or to resist being around you.
Somehow we imagine that these people are somehow in possession of IRON WILLPOWER and super self control. Oh, yeah, plus these people are somehow able to magically resist going after something they really want.
Sorry about that slight sarcasm there. It's just kinda silly.
When a person is into someone, they will do whatever they can to pursue them. (Except my students - these women know that they get him to chase HER.)
So when someone isn't actively pursuing you, it's not confusion - It's a lack of sexual attraction from them.
You see, men are pretty simple in this respect.
So when you say: "But then he started to behave strange, he had excuses to meet up and was always hanging out with his female best friend. Not that she seemed jealous that he was dating me since he wasn’t paying that much attention to her."
I hate to call this like I see it, but he obviously is not hanging around with her just because she's his "best friend."
And if she's jealous, she's not just his "best friend" either. (Does your gut tell you that they are just "friends"?)
I know there's a lot of controversy about this, but the fact is that - for a man - "just friends" is never a permanent status. A man will consider a relationship with ANY woman in his world - as long as he feels physical attraction.
There's really no such thing as a "friends-only" zone for him. It's more of a "friends-for-now" zone.
Sorry, but his reasons are lame.
- Wandering eye: All men have this situation, yet we somehow find it possible to have relationships, too. LAME.
- Dating someone else in the same field: Yeah, if this was an issue, he wouldn't have started it in the first place. LAME.
- He'll fight for you? Pardon me? That's just... odd. Oh, and LAME!
This guy is a bag full of excuses and confusing (in other words, emotionally confusing and damaging) contradictions.
Your best bet is to cut this guy loose for an extended period of time.
Like 10-15 years. So he can grow up and sow his wild oats.
A lot of his ambivalence is probably due to immaturity. If he hasn't gotten his fill of other women, you need to let him go do that.
Otherwise it's only 2 or 3 days before he's sleeping with your best friend. Or any other woman he can possibly get to sleep with him.
Let me be clear: He's probably acting this way simply because he's not in a position to have a committed relationship.
He's just out looking to have a good time. That doesn't make him BAD - it just makes him NOT the kind of guy you want to try to hold onto.
You're on a different path... you're looking for a real man.
And a Realationship™.
I wish you the best of luck...
And if you want to be sure you get the guy hooked on you right from the start, and make sure he's Forever Yours... Go watch this video on the three stages every man goes through in a relationship. (You'll find this astonishing...)
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