The Perfect Man Doesn’t Exist - Or Are You Being Too Picky?
By: Carlos Cavallo
News flash - The 'perfect man' doesn't exist. Or are you being too picky?
Funny enough, over the past few years, I’ve come to know what women want in a man.
Or more specifically, what they thinkthey want in a man.
I’ve heard from countless clients and female friends who their ideal man is, and their checklists have one thing in common: They’re too picky!
All of these conversations have made it clear to me that the more elaborate the archetype is, the harder it will be for a woman to find a real-life guy.
In short, your "perfect guy" is going to wreck your dating life.
“What do you know about what women want, Carlos?” you might ask. “Every woman has a right to have standards!”
And I totally agree with you. Women should have standards for the men they date.
It’s just that the concept of the Perfect Guy has nothing to do with having standards.
Ghosts of Partners Past
Lynn, a friend of mine, recently told me about the guy she dreamed of marrying: “After being through my previous relationships, I can’t see myself dating someone who doesn’t have the flexibility to choose his working hours.”
Then she continued, “I just think it’s important in a relationship for the people involved to be there for each other. So if my guy isn’t an architect, writer, photographer, entrepreneur or have some other flexible occupation, that’s a red light for me.”
And that, to me, was the crux of her problem. The perfect guy that existed in Lynn’s mind was actually a personification of her frustrations from the past.
She, and like many other women I know, have unconsciously created their “perfect guy checklist” based on previous relationships.
Like any experience, it’s important to learn from what happened so you can avoid making the same mistakes. However, that’s not the same as projecting your hang-ups on a relationship-to-be.
I got the feeling that Lynn had dated a guy who was a workaholic. It probably meant they didn’t spend as much time together as she wanted, or his career got too much in the way.
So I’m seeing a lot of these women who pin a complex set of requirements on what’s essentially a unicorn in the dating world.
The worst part is that this kind of criteria often comes from a place of anger and resentment. And this is why Lynn wouldn’t have any reassurance of long-term happiness even if she found a guy that matched her ideal archetype.
Meeting someone who fits your perfect guy checklist to T isn’t a magic antidote that will make your past hang-ups go away.
Dealing With Your Deal Breakers
Like I said, having standards is fine. In fact, you should filter out guys who are abusive, dishonest and otherwise unfit for a relationship.
What isn’t ok is if you’re inadvertently shutting yourself off from someone wonderful just because he doesn’t live up to a guy that doesn’t exist.
No amount of unrealistic and non-essential requirements will protect you from the unpredictability of dating. One client told me her perfect guy “should be 6”6, watch Game of Thrones, drive a VW and have a German Shepherd/Labrador mixed breed.”
“Ohhhkaay,” I told her. “Do you really need ALL those qualities to be happy with a guy? It wouldn’t hurt to let some of that stuff slide.”
There’s no real benefit in immediately rejecting a guy based on superficial stuff that isn’t a real basis for a healthy relationship anyway.
So, my advice to you is to open up your world and step out of your comfort zone. As long as you don’t feel that dating a certain guy goes against your core moral principles, have the courage to take that risk.
And if you want to get a guy to fall for you, you should start learning about his unique Connection Style. Once you create that powerful and lasting connection (which is surprisingly easy), you’ll be perfect for each other even if he isn’t Mr. Perfect.
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