I once dated this girl - let's call her Wendy - who confided in me that she used sex to make me her boyfriend. Later she said she slept with me too soon.
Wendy said she had come over to my place in Oakland for the express purpose of getting me into bed. She said, "I knew I wanted to lock you down."
Maybe not for you, but it was for me at the time. I was flattered, but also unnerved by the fact that this sweet grade school teacher wore her best "Do Me Now" boots over to entice me into the sack.
I have confirmed from several of my female friends (and more-than-friends) that this is a fairly common strategy when it comes to "getting him" as a boyfriend. They use sex as the "harpoon" that lands them their prize catch.
The thinking is that if she just proves herself to be a vixen between the sheets - an unforgettable sexual performance - she'll win him over.
Well, it can work, but it's usually dependent on a certain level of desperation on the guy's part, and some very skillful relationship maneuvering on the girl's part. Not to mention the fact that most guys can tell a great lay from a great gal.
So how do you know if maybe you slept with him just a wee bit too early?
I'll show you 3 signs that you might have jumped in bed with him perhaps too early.
But first, I have to give you a little reminder about the Carlos Cavallo school of thought on the whole "sex in the first few dates" thing...
Look, the reality is that most women do sleep with guys way sooner than they'd like to.
- Sometimes yeah it was for fun, and you let it just be that.
- Sometimes it's out of insecurity...
- Sometimes it's a ploy to win him as a boyfriend...
But in the end, what it comes down to for most women is that they'd really like to do it the "right" way, and make that first time special. Instead of trying to trick your way into his life.
And that actually is the way that most guys want it, too.
Yes, we will push for sex up front, and want to jump in bed as soon as possible. But every guy I've ever talked to about this agrees that:
1) They wouldn't have cared if it was just one or two more dates in the future - as long as they KNEW it was going to happen and they weren't being toyed with. (Getting led on sucks.)
2) They always felt a bit let down when it happens too soon. And this eventually leads them to feel like they were "ripped off" a bit when it came to the sex.
Most guys fight this inner battle with every girl they date - and I did, too.
We WANT the sex because we're programmed that way, but we know we'll appreciate the woman more if we're made to wait a bit.
Guys intuitively believe that if he's made to wait longer, that means the woman will be a better long-term girlfriend for him.
As the saying goes, wanting is almost always better than the getting.
So if you can wait just a bit longer, do it. He might not say it, but he'll thank you later on.
When you try to reverse a sexual relationship into a real romantic one, it's always more difficult.
After all, you want him to keep courting you and working to win you over.
Okay, so now let's cover the 3 signs you slept with him too fast:
You jumped in bed too quick - Sign #1: He's showing all those "uh-oh" signs...
There is a very ugly belief in guys that goes like this: If she had sex with me that quickly, she’ll probably continue making herself available to other men.
It's not even fully articulated like that literally. We don't hear those words, but it's a gut feeling we have inside.
Hey, you gotta admit that you probably wonder the same about a guy who's too easy. Despite all the jokes to the contrary, most mature guys learn that easy sex is just recreational.
It most likely won't lead to anything all that meaningful if there was no challenge to him.
Some of those Uh-Oh signs:
- He left as soon as he could in the morning... Wait - what? He left in the middle of the night??
- He hasn't tried to call you - or text or email or anything - the whole next day...
- He was VERY careful not to leave anything behind...
- He was cold or detached when it came time to leave (if he's into you, he'll be looking to snuggle up a bit before driving off)
- You never really got each other's last names...
You get the point... You can generally trust your gut when it comes to this sort of thing. If he's really touchy-feely and affectionate, you're in a good place.
If he's stand-offish, he's trying to not give you the wrong idea.
Slow down there, pardner - Sign #2: You start hearing all those insecure questions pop up in your head...
- Can we still start a relationship?
- What does he think of me?
- Am I too easy?
- How do I tell him I want to slow things down?
If these questions, or others jumped into your head within a few hours of him leaving your bed, then you can be pretty sure you've probably jumped the gun on your relationship.
Yeah, every girl has a bit of a freak out at some point as to whether the new romance is getting traction or not.
But these questions - especially if they hit you in a group - are a good indication of "slept-with-him-too-soon."
And the sooner those questions start to nag at you, the more likely you did rush things.
You went a little too fast - Sign #3: You did it out of pressure
It could have been him pressuring you, or just as likely - you pressuring yourself.
A lot of women feel that unspoken pressure that if they don't give in quickly to some kind of sexual intimacy with him, she'll lose him to some other woman who DOES give it up quickly.
In reality, it never works like that. He just loses interest in the other woman - for reasons he can't always understand. If you just stick around and wait it out - holding your boundaries - you'd see him come back with renewed interest.
So if you figure you might have slept with him too quick, here's what you do:
Step 1) Go easy on yourself. You're not a slut or a whore.
Or any of a dozen more meaningless insults that girls would hurl at you in the locker room or after school.
And nobody's judging you, either. Sure it was a little quick, but so what?
Worse things have happened in the world.
Hopefully you had some fun, and you can at least walk away with a great memory.
Step 2) Resolve to not only slow this one down, but not to let yourself get caught in the trap of continuing to compromise your timeline for intimacy.
In other words, if you want to date for a while before jumping in the sack so that it's special, that's your boundary to hold with him.
Yeah, he might text you up one night for a booty call, and you're going to have to talk to him about where you want this thing to REALLY go.
More importantly, you need to be willing to accept that he might not be down for that. (All the more reason to start things out with your boundaries firmly in place.
I'm going to cover "the talk" in just a second...
Step 3) Figure out what you REALLY want here.
Did you just fall in bed with a guy you'd rather stay friends with?
Did you hope for more from the hookup, but he doesn't seem as interested anymore?
Do you want a more emotional connection?
Do you just want to be sure this guy doesn't have any STDs?
Take some time to think it through for yourself. Sometimes a woman will sleep with someone and then feel forced to justify it as a relationship so that she doesn't feel like she's "slutty" (whatever that really is).
You can just let it go if you want.
Or, if you really do like this guy, be prepared to do Step #4...
Step 4) Have the "Talk"
Make sure you meet up with him IN PERSON. No texting, or email, or phone.
Be live, the way you'd want the relationship to be, hopefully.
Then lay (some of) your cards out on the table.
First, tell him what you enjoyed about your hookup. (You did enjoy it, right?)
By putting this one up front and center, you can also calm his insecurities. (Yeah, I'll bet you that he was worried if he performed well.)
Then you want to tell him something like this:
"Look, I had a REALLY great time with you. I really want to get close to you again. AND I want to see if maybe we've got what it takes to have more than just the physical stuff. I'd like to take some time to go out and do other stuff for a while before we jump back in the bedroom. I also feel a bit uncomfortable because I don't want you to misunderstand. I really like you and want to make this special."
If he rejects you after saying the above script, he never had much interest in you.
I know it probably feels awkward to tell a guy “No” after you’ve already said, “Yes. YES. YES!!” But he’ll actually be happy to hear you be honest and up-front with him.
Remember also that, because you fear rejection - naturally - you might be tempted to take the edge off by adding, "Oh, never mind. It's not that important. Just forget it..."
Don't sabotage your strength by wussing out like that. Stick to your guns for what you want.
Who knows, he might have been waiting for you to say those words. Maybe he was just having doubts of his own and needed to hear it from you BEFORE jumping in with both feet.
A quality guy will ALWAYS appreciate someone who has the courage to give him the straight dope. No matter what he decides in the end, then he'll respect your authenticity.
So, even if he isn't ready for a serious relationship, he'll reciprocate your honesty.
He'll share his OWN feelings about the situation and explain his side. Then both of you can walk away with your dignity and feelings intact.
But if his reaction is...less than ideal, well you shouldn't lose any sleep over him.
Maybe he'll just go, "Eh, whatever" and unceremoniously walk out. Or in some cases, he might even have a man-child sized tantrum because you're cutting him off.
If that happens, consider that bullet DODGED. He wouldn't have been able to give you what you want, so it's good that he revealed his true character as early as now.
The next time around, you can avoid a sticky situation like this and start off on the right foot.
In my experience, most relationships run into all sorts of trouble when a proper connection isn't there. And what I've discovered is that guys connect with their partners in 5 specific ways.
Knowing this is KEY because guys are unconsciously looking for someone who matches their Connection Style. If you can handle this part early on, all the drama, frustration and uncertainty will go away on their own.
You can check out my presentation to learn more about doing this. I'll explain what it TRULY takes for a guy to take that leap of faith and give it a real shot.
You don't need to bend over backwards or go through a complicated emotional maze just to get the guy - and relationship - you want. Go here now to start watching my video.