5 Ways to Not Let Heartbreak Ruin Your Life
Room 346 in Heartbreak Hotel.
That’s the room I used to have reserved.
I spent a lot of lonely, sleepless nights at that Heartbreak Hotel, let me tell you. Dozens of relationships that just didn’t pan out.
Getting dumped, getting cheated on, getting neglected and forgotten…
It was all part of that Game of Love that none of us can resist playing.
But you know what? Eventually, you gotta check out of that hotel.
Because if you don’t, you’ll risk being one of those haunted souls that wanders the hallways – moaning “I once had a great love…”
Like something out of a Shakespeare tragedy.
Breaking up sucks. It’s singularly one of the biggest “sucks” in a person’s life.
BUT we must move on.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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I’m going to give you five of my essential strategies for getting past your heartbreak. Now, these aren’t the usual “go to the gym” platitudes you usually hear.
(But, uhm, you really SHOULD get back to the gym. You know, the self-image, working out your frustrations, etc, etc. The more ‘Rage-based‘ you can make the workout, the better – like kick-boxing. So, yeah, do that… )
Ahem. Okay, now, as I was saying…
Before we go into those strategies, I want to take a second to tell you about a few things that will help you reframe – or re-think – your situation.
REFRAME 1) You always get over them, right?
I mean, unless this is your first ever big romance, there’s a good chance you’ve been through this before.
AND you survived, right?
Weeks later, you shake your head, wondering why it was such a big deal at the time.
Well, part of the reason is that your brain was flooded with those feel-good hormones. And it’s incredibly painful to go through that kind of withdrawal.
Just remember – you got past all the other heartbreaks, you’ll get through this one.
And, no, this one is no different.
REFRAME 2) It’s not really HIM you loved so much
It’s tempting to believe it was the PERSON that we loved so much, but we neglect to see that it’s more about HOW THEY MADE US FEEL.
I’m not trying to crush your visions of love and romance here, but it’s kinda true. You really fell in love with a bunch of things:
– his smile
– his eyes
– the things you did together, and all your personal stories
– the imagined future you thought you might have with him, including maybe getting married
But ultimately it really added up to one thing: the feeling of being loved as well as being IN love.
And we associate that feeling of love with the person, even though it’s pretty much the same feeling with each person we’ve been with.
The part that makes it unique for you is the combination – the recipe – that each man brings to each relationship. It feels like a whole new flavor.
But every new romance will be a new dish for you, just as delightful and savory as it is different to you.
Remember: The NEXT guy will be just as good. Only … different.
So set your sights on the horizon…
REFRAME 3) Remember, being dumped always makes him look better…
When your still-beating heart was ripped out of your chest by this guy, all you could think about was how great it was with him and how he done you wrong.
The TRUTH of the matter is that if he’s breaking up with you in the first place, there had to be something fundamentally wrong with him and the relationship in the first place.
What I’m trying to say here is that you shouldn’t idealize the relationship. It’s probably not as great as your grief is making you think it is right now.
When you’re on the hurting side of the breakup (and believe it or not, you both probably are), you tend to think of the relationship as better than it actually was.
That’s because it always seems better than being alone and without love.
So don’t idealize what you had. It might have been good, but now you’re going to go after BETTER.
Oh, and while we’re at it:
REFRAME 4) It’s not really a broken heart you’ve got. It’s a kind of “death in the family.”
Yeah, losing a relationship is a little like having someone important to you die. I mean, as long as you didn’t actually poison him and bury your ex in the back yard.
… Uhm… you didn’t, did you? Okay, just had to be clear on that.
As long as this guy didn’t leave you in a genuinely tragic way like that, you could eventually re-establish contact. He doesn’t have to leave your life forever.
But you do have a grieving process to go through.
Just like if someone had passed away, you have to let the full spectrum of emotions work through your system.
In case you’re not familiar with these stages of grief, here they are:
Denial – The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality. We do this in our relationships by refusing to believe that it’s over.
Anger – When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at people who are close to them. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”; “Why would this happen?”
And, hey – you have a right to be pissed…
Bargaining – The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid the cause of grief. They promise to change their ways, if only they could have it like before. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise.
Depression – “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon, so what’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
During the fourth stage, the individual goes into despair. Usually powerless.
In this state, the individual may become quiet, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen. Netflix is also used to help the blues.
Acceptance – “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
In this last stage, individuals understand and accept the way things are. And the inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.
Things wrap up with a calm, retrospective view for the affected, and a stable condition of emotions.
So you gotta get through those steps quick…
Because the real tragedy of a breakup is not being able to – eventually – snap out of it. And the longer you stay stuck, the more likely you are to miss a real opportunity when he comes along!
And this is also true – even if you’re the breaker-upper, too. If you dumped him, you still have to give yourself some time to get over it.
Whether or not you want to believe it, you’re still going to miss him and the connection you once had.
Hey, he might have been a douchebag in the end, or just a bad match – but there was a reason you got involved in the first place, right?
Okay, now here are some ways to get yourself checked out of Heartbreak Hotel without getting stuck in one of those rooms. Or worse, getting too used to it there.
Heartbreak Hotel Checkout Tip 1: Don’t try to skip the pain.
Look, sometimes the breakup was coming one way or the other. And you might be tempted to just want to fast-forward to acceptance and moving on.
But your heart will tell you otherwise.
It’s especially dangerous when you pretend you’re “over it” and you get involved with some other poor guy who gets caught up in your situation. The truth is that you’re emotionally unavailable, honey.
And you need to take a little time to get through this, or you’re going to wind up breaking HIS heart on a rebound.
Yeah, I can tell you from personal experience that this is really uncool for a guy. I’ve had at least 3 romances where the woman didn’t tell me how soon she was out of her last relationship.
Heartbreak Hotel Checkout Rule 2: Use some affirmations to get you through the rough spots.
Hey, I’m a bit fan of affirmations – when they work. The problem is that most affirmations try to pretend too much when we say them.
Let’s face it – some of those affirmations you’ve read just don’t jive with your state of being. So your subconscious mind just pushes them aside and doesn’t let it in.
So make sure these jive with your inner belief system. Otherwise it will reject them like a heart transplant from an iguana.
Try this: “I want to be happy.”
This seems like a duh – of course, I want to be happy, who doesn’t?
The problem is, a lot of the time, I actually don’t. I let small things frustrate me.
I have a short temper, and I get mad at the most trivial matters. Why? It’s because I forget (or maybe don’t want) to be happy in that moment.
Maybe I want to be angry or upset, so I have to remind myself that I want to be happy, and then I will force a fake smile, until it turns into a real one.
It actually turns out that a fake smile is better than no smile at all. Researchers at the University of Kansas recently discovered that just forcing your mouth to smile could help lower a person’s heart rate after stressful situations.
This is because your brain is sent a signal that says, “hey, I must be okay. I’m smiling.”
Heartbreak Hotel Checkout Rule 3: Cuss that boy out!
Yeah, you heard me. Swear your head off at him.
Use some four letter words that would make a sailor blush.
“*&#$^ my #[email protected]*&#*!!!”
I’ll admit that I’ve got a bit of a potty mouth, so this comes easy to me.
But researchers have established that curse words serve a purpose in society and psychology.
Cuss words give us an extreme to go to when we need it, and swearing may serve an important function in relieving pain.
So go ahead, say it, whisper it, scream it – let it all out. Not only do you end up soothing the pain, you are also telling yourself that you are NOT going to be a victim of this situation.
Oh, and while you’re at it, block and un-friend him on Facebook. Right NOW.
Because that will drive you CRAZY.
Heartbreak Hotel Checkout Rule 4: Make a list of his overwhelming dumb-osity.
One of the best ways to push yourself forward faster at getting over this guy is to keep a list of all the stuff you absolutely HATED about him.
And if you’re saying, “But Carlos, I loved everything about him!”
Call Cleopatra, ’cause you’re in denial, hon.
Get it? De-Nile?
Look, EVERY person has things that they’re not crazy about their partner.
My wife leaves her toothpaste tube open, as well as a lot of her other bathroom stuff.
There. I said it.
So we all have stuff that gets under our skin. If you’re IN the relationship, learn to love it. (I just close all my wife’s bathroom stuff up for her.)
On the other hand, if they dumped you, get angrier than Darth Vader stuck in a Light Side of the Force convention.
Make a list of his annoying stuff, and review it daily, until you can’t even remember why you let this schmuck into your life.
Heartbreak Hotel Checkout Rule 5: Don’t plot to get him back — plot to get YOURSELF back
Yeah, face it – you probably made a lot of sacrifices in the relationship. Women in relationships tend to make more of these small concessions to make the relationship work.
Guys just typically go along for the ride. This isn’t an insult or sexism – it’s just the truth.
So you probably need to recharge yourself. I know I’ve needed it, too.
My best advice is for you to take a break of AT LEAST ONE MONTH from dating of any kind. I mean ANY kind!
Don’t let your friends try to set you up on blind dates to help you “get over it.” That’s not a healthy way to get over a relationship, and it’s something that our culture hasn’t been able to figure out yet.
Instead, take the time you need to recharge your batteries before you go out there and try again.
Trust me, you don’t want to bring a slightly damaged version of yourself to your next relationship – only to have it fail again because you weren’t really healed. That’s just setting you up for a nasty pattern that’s really hard to break.
Go to movies, go on a vacation, get a tattoo, WHATEVER. Do the stuff that makes YOU happy.
I don’t care what you do – just do stuff for YOU. Even if it’s doing charity work for others, that’s still good – because it’s still really for you, with an altruistic layer of frosting on top.
I know this probably sounds eerily familiar. Probably because you hear it and dismissed it before as being cliche advice.
But guess what? It’s said so often because so many people skip it – and then pay the price later.
And when you’re done processing all those messy emotions and found yourself again, you need to learn how to attract a guy who’s RIGHT for you. Not just any man who happens to be available, but someone that TRULY complements your unique personality.
In other words, your SOULMATE.
Now, if you’re interested in learning how to find that ideal guy, the good news is that it’s not at all that complicated. All you need to do is give him the signal that tells him you’re The One – as you’ll find out in this free presentation.