5 Ways To Spot A Player
Is your man a player?
First of all – what IS a player?
There are a wide variety of definitions of what a player is, but one general part remains pretty consistent:
A player is any guy who pretends to care about a woman – playing her emotions – typically just to get in bed with her.
Now, it’s not the sex part that is such a big issue. After all, we’ve all had our share of hookups and drunken escapades, right?
No, it’s the lying, the false front, and generally unsavory character that this behavior demonstrates that is the real problem.
And if he ONLY wants sex, that’s not enough to build the relationship up to what most women want. Probably not what YOU want, either.
It can start out with good sex, but if it doesn’t build up to something more, you will feel ripped off.
Ask yourself: What do YOU want from a relationship?
If you’re like most women, you want to be able to trust your guy. And we all know that the player cannot be trusted.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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If you can’t trust him to keep to keep his eyes on YOU – and only you – you’ll never feel safe in your relationship – and that’s a deal breaker.
You probably also want authentic love from your partner. And there’s no guarantee the player really loves you if you think he’s only saying anything to get laid.
First of all why do guys do this? Why do men become “players?”
Reason 1: He’s love-starved…
Early on in a man’s development, he craves the acceptance and love of his mother. It’s a deep childhood need that we can’t seem to shake.
Even worse, if he doesn’t get that love, a guy will spend a good part of his life seeking it out.
Usually, over the course of natural growth and separation from the family, a man will let go of the clingy childhood attachment to mom and just get on with his life.
He finds that romance and love are the next natural step in his life.
But very frequently he won’t get the love he needs, and he spends a great deal of time acting out in search of it.
Reason 2: He’s underdeveloped…
If a guy doesn’t get that love in his life, or shake his scared-infant stage completely, he could wind up one of those boy-men that you secretly despise.
We used to call them momma’s boys when the mom refused to let go of her son because of her own issues.
Trey on “Sex & The City” typified this kind of guy. Eager to please and sensitive, but also very immature and incapable of making you feel his real masculine power.
Very often, the player in a phase of his life where he’s figured out that he doesn’t need to stay with just one woman.
Maybe he’s fresh out of a high school romance that lasted for 20 years too long. Maybe he’s a divorced dad who just wants to sow some wild oats.
Or he could be an emotionally stunted jerk.
Whatever the case, you have to keep your eyes on this one…
Reason 3: He needs validation for a weak ego
If there’s one part of this personality that stands out, it’s that the Player needs validation.
He needs to feel like he’s worth something, and sexual conquest is very often the fastest way for a lot of guys to get a sense of value.
Masculine validation is also hard to come by these days for guys. Everywhere you look in the media, you see the message that it’s bad to be a man.
The list goes on and on.
So don’t be surprised if you start noticing a culture that is decidedly against having a man just be and do what comes naturally to him.
But this emptiness inside some men is the driving force behind his need to conquer women in the bedroom.
It’s actually not as much about the “anger at women” than you might believe after reading all the self-help books out there.
These guys just enjoy the feeling of proving they can do what a guy should be able to do – attract a woman. They just don’t know what to do next in the relationship part.
Doesn’t make him a good partner, but it doesn’t make them villains, either.
Also, keep in mind that not all players are PLAYERS. What I mean by that is that some guys are just enjoying being single men.
He knows in the back of his head that he’d like to settle down and have a family – eventually. But right now he wants to sample the buffet a bit.
So there’s nothing actually ‘wrong’ with his need to not commit … until of course it conflicts with your desire to get him to commit when you fall for him.
Some guys are just “playing the field” and simply aren’t on a hunt for Miss Right. Men do make long-term commitments to women, but sometimes it’s just not the right timing for THIS guy.
Which is why you must know how to spot the true Player personality from the guys who are just not in the right place for you. (I’ll come back to this later…)
Some will be “ladies men” who prefer to date many women – usually because he finds he can through a combination of looks and lifestyle.
But the REAL inveterate and manipulative player should be avoided at all costs, because his toxic character flaw will cause him to break hearts wherever he goes – and yours could be next.
So how do you spot the dangerous player personality?
Let’s go through 5 signals that tell you he’s a player:
Signal 1: He’s slick and a real sweet-talker…
This guy comes across with a little of the used-car salesman vibe, but manages to keep it in check with an aw-shucks Bill Clinton kind of charm.
He’s got the verbiage and the lingo down.
As Billy Joel would say, he’s quick with a joke or a light-up-your-smoke.
He also knows how to say just the right thing to you.
It’s hard to resist his patter, especially when he knows just the right bit of flattery that gets you to bite your lip and throw caution to the wind.
Not to mention he’s able to talk his way out of almost anything, from a speeding ticket to that pair of lace panties you found stuffed under the seat of his car.
He’s got the words and the conviction to make it sound believable.
Signal 2: He’s slippery as an eel…
This guy knows how to evade almost any attempt to pin him down. He leaves no trail, and seems to avoid all accountability while he’s at it.
He’s also good at hiding and keeping your eyes off his phone, and never really knowing where or who he’s out with.
Who the heck is he texting now…?
If you call him on it, he knows how to duck and weave his way out of most any situation – often with a perfect excuse.
One of those excuses you find yourself WANTING to believe instead of actually believing.
Signal 3: The player pressures you for sex…
He just can’t seem to wait to get in the sack with you. Now, if he’s a smooth player, you’ll think it’s just an overwhelming lust for you that you find irresistible.
He’ll be overcome with desire. And if you’re honest, you’ll admit that this feeling of power is very appealing.
But the fact is that he’ll put a lot of uncomfortable pressure on you to sleep with him.
Heck, you might even want to go for it – which is perfectly fine. Until you realize that this is all you might get from him.
It will feel different than your normal lust because it won’t feel like he’s drawn to you magnetically. It will just feel like a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kind of conquer.
And if you voice any hesitation about sleeping with him, you’ll get a lot of negative energy from him, that will confirm that this is all he’s after.
He’ll make it sound urgent, often resorting to the “c’mon c’mon” badgering – hoping that you’ll just give in.
Or he’ll just try to get you drunk and bypass all that messy convincing stuff. He wants to trigger you to be impulsive as quickly as he can.
Signal 4: It’s been over 6 months and there’s no sign of meeting his family…
If you’ve been dating this dude a while, and you STILL haven’t met his mom – and she’s above ground and lives relatively close – something’s up.
Heck, in this day and age, he could at least Skype you two together on a video call.
But a player isn’t going to want you to meet his family.
As a friend of mine one told me, “Mom’s get tired of the endless parade of women that won’t be around next week.”
So the Player will just keep you at arm’s length and hope that you don’t push too hard. If you do push, he’ll eventually just vaporize.
Oh, and he probably won’t push to meet your family or your friends, either.
After all, why bother? He isn’t planning on being around that long.
Signal 5: It never really gets past the sex…
Sure the boinking is fantastic, but you might be mistaking sexual intimacy for love. Among my female clients, this is a common mistake.
The intensity and passion in the bedroom is misunderstood as being a love connection.
And this of course creates an intense feeling of “This is it!” from her, while the man simply chalks it up to chemistry.
Since most men are able to separate sexual intimacy from the deeper emotional connection, this creates a struggle for the woman – as she feels there’s love where he only feels lust.
One of the big reasons you need to wait a bit longer before jumping in the sack with a guy is to make sure he’s got the emotional investment to match your physical investment.
You know what, though?
I know we’ve talked a lot about this player guy here. But frankly – and this will come as a shock to most women – most guys just aren’t able to be players.
They simply haven’t got what it takes.
You only run into this Player type more often because he’s more likely to approach you and chat you up.
The other 95+% out there are Good Guys. They’re just too shy, quiet, or afraid of rejection to talk to you most of the time.
The majority of guys are also morally good men who are just inexperienced or uneducated about how women work, so they aren’t as forward as the Player. So while you’re waiting for the Nice Guy to work up his courage, the Player is out there running wild at bars, parties, and even the grocery store.
The Player’s pickup skills simply ensure that he’s got ten times the circulation of most guys. Which makes it SEEM like there are so many more of them.
Of course, if you find yourself running into guys that consistently won’t commit or stay in a relationship, you should look at the dynamics of your dating style and how they work with guys.
Sometimes, because of bad information that was passed along from mother-to-daughter, or simply the lack of good education in relationships, a woman will find the men she’s with growing cold and distant. And you might mistake this guy for being a player, when it’s really because you missed a signal he sent you earlier.
If you’d like to attract the kind of man who’s READY for the relationship you want – or at least seems the type who WILL BE – then you’ll need to Read His Signals.
Men give off specific signals which will tell you IMMEDIATELY if your guy is one of those Players – or a guy who wants to love and adore you.
If you miss this, it could make or break your future with him.