There are rules for creating a committed relationship. A relationship that LASTS.
Let's start by saying: Falling in love is easy... STAYING in love takes time, effort and energy.
If this scares you a bit, that's fine. If you didn't look at a relationship as a challenge and something a little intimidating, you might take it for granted.
Many people do.
So if you want to get a man committed to you, you have to know what the rules are for him.
Your rules are important, but for you to get the commitment from him that you desire, you have to know what he needs to feel from you first.
Because he won't give it to you until he knows he's also going to get what he needs.
Very often I find that the women I coach had no idea that men are watching for signals that tell him:
If you're loving...
If you're loyal...
If you're giving...
If you're needy...
If you're selfish...
If you're only looking for a relationship to complete you...
So I want to explain some of a man's "Rules" for commitment, so that you know how to forge a relationship that will stand the test of time.
Let's start with:
Commitment Rule 1: Love isn't unconditional. But try anyway...
The truth is that there really is no such thing as "unconditional love."
It's not that we're all selfish in love - but we do all start out that way.
If you were in a relationship that didn't meet your needs, how long before you found someone else? Probably not long.
So the truth is that a relationship has to give as good as it gets.
We're at our best giving when we give without the NEED for a return, though. If you can only say "I love you" if you think you're going to hear it back, you're not really saying "I love you."
You're saying, "Please tell me how you feel about me so I can lay my fears to rest."
Sometimes we start out giving, but realize we are actually just hiding a desire to GET.
Have you ever seen a poor merchant haggling and bartering with a poor customer?
It's emotional and painful to witness. The scarcity hurts.
But when it's a prosperous merchant and a prosperous customer, it all flows with the spirit of generosity and abundance.
Whatever your motivations, watch for this in your relationship. It's okay to get, but giving just to manipulate those needs isn't good.
And then, if you see that your giving isn't respected or appreciated in kind, find a guy who will.
Commitment Rule 2: Have Sex every time you possibly can...
This is one of those rules that you have to take on faith until you can realize the benefits. And it's a pretty good (and fun) rule to try out.
For men, making love is a connection activity as much as it is a physical release. Men fall more in love with women they have a healthy, open sexual relationship with.
When you over-satisfy his needs, you'll see his commitment level increasing through the roof with you.
It's the kind of generosity that pays dividends with men. And you'll see him reciprocating more for YOUR pleasure as well...
You'd be surprised to see how much of your ambient good will in a relationship is based on a good sex life.
Commitment Rule 3: Communicate all the time, go out of your way...
This is one of those rules that you still have to exercise some common sense with. Of course, I'm not saying to communicate every thought you have with him.
But you should try to open up and share how YOU feel whenever you can.
ESPECIALLY when you're feeling something good in the relationship.
Men need to know when they're doing right by you. Because we almost never hear when we are.
So talk to him about your feelings, without making him feel responsible. Or that he's being "flooded" with feelings.
And if you can share yourself and express without making him feel obligated to reciprocate, you'll see that he will start to open up more for you over time.
It's like an investment that yields its returns in the future. Like most good investments will reward patience.
Commitment Rule 4: Stay cool and loving in arguments...
I usually take note of arguments between men and women, because it gives you an idea of the dynamic between them in their relationship.
One thing I see far too often is when emotions store up over time, and then come out in an ugly whirlwind of "expression."
I'll talk more about stockpiling in the coming rules, but keep in mind that your tone during disagreements is a basic indication of how loving the relationship is.
If you let yourself become even slightly verbally abusive, it could push him into firing back. Escalation is never a pretty thing to witness.
This also means that you should never argue in public. When you have a heated, emotional conversation in public, it will bring down the overall level of emotional maturity in the relationship.
COMMITMENT SUCCESS SECRET - Use touch to keep arguments calm and loving.
Men seek out what they don't have, which is the feminine essence of their partner. A huge part of that is the SOFT TOUCH, both figuratively and literally.
However, it's the latter that best applies during a nasty fight. He needs to feel that you're still connected and "on the same team" when you're in a situation like this.
So, sneak in a loving caress on the arm or try squeezing his hand real quick while you're emphasizing a point. It will take the edge off and he'll appreciate your attempt at diplomacy.
And also - Learn to forgive him without holding a grudge. Let it go.
As hard as it might be, forgiveness is one of the qualities of love that will make the most difference in your relationship.
Commitment Rule 5: Be willing to say what needs to be said...
Women often avoid any kind of confrontation. Part of female socialization is that contentiousness or "being difficult" is frowned upon as "bitchy" behavior.
Very often it's punished within the behaviors of the group.
"Go along to get along" is often the mode within women's social circles. Over time, this lessens, but it's a large part of female groups.
This is doubly true in relationships, where a woman's "default" behavior will not only want to "go along," but you'll also be hyper-sensitive to avoiding conflict that might push him away.
A man's behavior in a relationship is a function of the boundaries. When men have no hard and fast boundaries (with consequences for breaking them), we tend to lose respect for our partner - and the relationship itself.
Getting to do anything he wants is a sign of danger in a relationship.
Men will push their boundaries until they realize they can get away with anything. Then he will possibly act on it, while losing respect for you in the process.
And yet, the dilemma is that if you don't know when and how to push back on him every so often, his respect will go out the window. Which is why I show women how to communicate with men in a firm yet loving way that makes him love her even more for showing her backbone.
Always, always express your feelings with respect, though. If you can't treat your partner with respect (because he won't, or you can't seem to find it in you) - it's time to move on.
Respect is the most fundamental ingredient for love and a committed relationship.
Which is why I want you to make him respect you right from the start. So you can respect him as the man who meets your every need.
And in order to make that relationship work, you have to strip away all the pretense that many relationships have in them.
Too much pretending to be what he wants to win him over - or out of fear he'll leave you
Too much pretending to go along with him - especially when you build up resentments and contempt.
Too much pretending that he's meeting your needs if he's not
This means you should always stand up and support him.
And this also means: Never, ever, EVER belittle or attempt to "humble" him in private or in public. This is the same as wanting to "knock him down a notch or two."
Never intentionally try to make your partner feel bad or look bad- especially in front of others. It’ll damage your relationship in ways that you may never be able to fix.
If you can't respect him enough to justify this kind of treatment, you should leave him for some other woman to deal with. You might be guilty of trying to change him to suit your wants instead of finding a good candidate at the start...
Commmitment Rule 7: Work past your insecurities...
Look, it's going to happen. You might find yourself crushing a bit on some other guy while you're in a relationship.
It's natural, and it's nothing you should ever consider "unfaithful" or strange. When you're in the most loving of relationships, other people will come along that may pull your attention from time to time.
It's simply the nature of feelings...love is strong enough to be shared in many ways.
It doesn't mean either - or both - of you will be unfaithful. But it does mean that you have to get a hold of your insecurities.
Because he will very often see other women that appeal to him as well. He may flirt, but in most situations he will not jeopardize a trusting, loving relationship for a fling.
This is something that most women find threatening, however. It's hardwired into your nervous system to be on alert for potential threats to your relationship.
If you're feeling insecure more often than not in your relationship, that's a problem that must be addressed.
Start by asking yourself WHY you feel insecure, and then drill down deep into the WHY of it.
Are you insecure about the attention he gets from other women?
Are you insecure that you don't know what his feelings are?
Where do these feelings come from? Your childhood? Previous patterns of betrayal in your life?
If it's a pattern that has repeated consistently, you should take steps to understand it, because otherwise it will completely form the template of all your relationships.
Commitment Rule 8: Spend a lot of time doing nothing with him...
Guys have an interesting behavior that many women don't understand. But here it is anyway:
Men are more devoted, more loyal, more invested in relationships where they spend a lot of relaxed time with their girl.
It has to do with how men bond. We form stronger connections by being around a person - yet doing very little. Even watching TV with that person counts.
Women focus on interactive time because that lets her test the bond of the relationship with reactions from him as feedback.
But guys need lots and lots of empty time with you that makes him feel comfortable and safe with you.
Commitment Rule 9: Compliment the $#!+ out of him...
Women use compliments as social currency. When a woman pays a compliment, it's assumed that she will probably get one back.
Even if the compliments aren't always truthful. It's simply how many women interact, both in groups and one-on-one.
Men go through life receiving VERY few compliments. Guys are so often hungry for compliments that he can't find it in himself to give them out.
It's a shame we can be in such an "appreciation deficit" - but that's what we learn to live with.
So if you want to cement your relationship and make his commitment unbreakable, here are a few things to compliment him on:
His taste in music, movies, etc. : Even if the stuff he likes isn't exactly your cup of tea, you should at least validate his choices in some way. If he's into a super specific niche like Japanese rock bands for instance, you can simply say, "Hey, that sounds interesting" - even though you don't understand a lick of the language.
He's probably going to talk about WHY he likes them and slip a little trivia about his favorite artists. All you gotta do is say, "Cool, cool..." and he'll be one happy dude.
(And who knows, maybe some of your interests intersect - that'll make it even easier to compliment his tastes!)
The way he dresses: If there's something in particular you like about his sense of style, don't be shy to point it out. Maybe he's rocking a cool pair of sneakers. So, casually throw out how they "perfectly match" the rest of his outfit. Again, that's all it takes to make his day.
His masculine side: This can be anything related to his drive for success, passion for life, hardworking attitude and so on. Compliment his sense of direction and focus, tenacity of will, brute strength, being able to stand his ground or his ability to "get it done".
Try something like, "Honey, I can't believe you stood up to that jerk at the bar the other day. Other guys would have backed off and chickened out." Then stand back and watch his heart swell three times bigger.
I'll admit that men need to have their egos stroked every now and then. We all have that need to be validated, and this is the way men want it.
As I always say, compliment him to commit him. The better you are as a source of positive feelings for him, the more he'll desire you as a long-term partner.
Aside from boosting his self-esteem though, a guy has OTHER primal instincts that you need to appeal to as well. You have to hit all these notes to "activate" the circuit in his brain that tells him you're The One.
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