What To Do When He Says "I don't want to talk about it"
By: Carlos Cavallo
Do you want to know what to do when he says "I don't want to talk about it"?
How do you handle it when he stonewalls you like this?
Feelings: Guys avoid talking about them like the plague.
“Where is this relationship going?”
“What’s bothering you?”
“Why are you so quiet?”
To women, they’re innocuous questions.
You just want to know what he's thinking and feeling - after all, what woman wouldn’t want to know what’s going on with her beloved, right?
But there he is, silent and stoic as a guard at Buckingham Palace.
A lot of women have been frustrated when their guy gets cryptic and silent – but there are a few ways to peel back the layers and find out what’s up with your man:
#1: Lockdown Triggers 101: Don’t Say Those Words
Nothing makes a man want to shut up more than hearing his partner say, “We need to talk.” Like I said, to you it’s no big deal; after all, women are generally more comfortable talking about emotions.
Your man however, is likely hardwirednot to share his feelings (more on that later). And this is why guys shy away from “heavy”, soul-searching discussions.
So, trying to pry it out of him will make him stonewall more, not less. There are smarter (and less) painful ways for him to talk about the relationship, your feelings and any other stuff he’s filed under “Mushy”.
#2: Talk Like a Guy
Most women have a flair for dissecting every emotional detail of our lives. It’s just how it is.
But it also makes guys think that women “talk too much”. For most men, they like to keep it short and sweet with their “just the facts” way of talking.
Just compare the way you’d talk to your girlfriends and how your guy would talk with his friends. Men tend to leave out the feelings in their stories and stick to what happened.
In the same way, your man is likely to be more receptive if you’re going to “streamline” your conversations about the “hard” stuff (i.e. anything involving emotions) or when you’re disagreeing with them.
It’s not that I’m telling you to censor yourself or compromise your thoughts; however, making a bit of effort to get on his frequency will make him less likely to tune you out.
Here are some ideas:
- Try “What do you think about…” or “What are your thoughts on…” Some men are more comfortable sharing their thoughts about a certain topic, so getting your guy to talk about it can eventually lead into his feelings. It just takes a little patience to “extract” the emotions behind his thoughts.
- If you want to know how he’s doing, just leave the offer to talk on the table so he doesn’t feel pressured: “Hey, if you need me, just lemme know, ok?”
#3: Be Cool About It
Believe it or not, men actually want their partners to understand them. So why are some guys so silent?
Generally speaking, they’ve got a couple of things going against them.
First, men learn at an early age NOT to share their feelings for fear of being seen as a wuss. To them, revealing their emotions is a sign of weakness.
And that brings us to the next reason: most men avoid articulating what’s brewing inside their heads because they haven’t had much practice.
But the good news is that you can help.
The best thing to do is NOTflip out or otherwise pressure him (see #1) because he “doesn’t want to talk about it.” In the same vein, don’t punish him when you disagree about something.
A lot of guys choose to shut up simply because their partners get hostile when their opinions differ. Resist the temptation to react right away and let him share his thoughts freely without fear of “retaliation”.
Once he feels safe enough to share his thoughts, you might be surprised by how much he has to say.
Bonus tip: Try not to bum rush him with questions when he comes home. Chances are he’ll want to decompress after a long day.
You might get the vibe that he’s not ready to talk just yet.
Use his body language as a cue – when he appears chilled out, then you can come in and talk to him.
Some women like sneaking in a snack or drink, or slip beside their guy (as opposed to walking directly in his line of sight) while watching TV or some similar activity.
#4: Be Supportive
Like I said, guys want their partners to understand them, but they’ve trained themselves not to expect it. The best thing to do is help him unlearn this perception that probably goes back to his childhood.
In time, you can open his mind to the fact that you can make this happen in your relationship. Men might not say it, but they want a partner who can appreciate what they’re going through.
If he knows there’s patience, empathy, trust and support in the relationship, these factors will encourage him to talk.
By the way, you may not notice, but your guy has his own special way of connecting to you. In fact, most women aren’t aware that each guy actually has his own “Connection Style”.
This knowledge alone can be the key to unlock the door keeping him from connecting with you on a deeper level. If you want to know more about how make him truly open up to you, I strongly suggest you take a look at this:
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