To get you started, here are a few things you should think about. This isn't an exhaustive list of course, but it will point you in the right direction:
What are the qualities you're looking for?
What kind of education?
What should he look like? (If that matters)
What does he believe?
What are his values?
I do want to remind you that chemistry takes care of itself. And simple sexual attraction can often blind us to the things we really want and need in a partner.
Don't seek physical qualities. The truth is that women are much more flexible in terms of physical appearance in men than men typically are of women.
But the truth is the same for both genders: We fall for people who just "click" with us.
The problem is that if you haven't defined that "click", you will likely just end up with someone who gives you that quick shot of happy chemistry.
DO YOU KNOW YOU? STEP 2: What do YOU bring to the relationship?
If you don't know what it is you're bringing to the table, it's very easy to fall for anyone that comes along. Knowing the kind of value you add to a relationship will help you figure out which kind of guys you WANT to attract.
So another round of soul-searching is in order. To get started, think about what you want out of a relationship.
Don't be afraid to know (and go after) what you want...
For instance, you probably feel that your relationship should...
Fit your lifestyle
Fit your beliefs
Align with your values
ENHANCE your life
Have shared interests
Help you grow as a person
Once you go through this process, you'll probably ask yourself an important question:
Have you been changing yourself to accommodate the relationship? -
- or is it the other way around?
From here, you'll be closer to knowing your contribution. That's because you'll have a much clearer idea of the way you want your relationship to work.
Do you want "equality"?
Do you want a specific role within the relationship?
Do you need a particular communication style?
Do you prefer a certain way to resolve conflicts?
Do you absolutely need to agree with everything - or are you willing to accept some differences between you two?
Do you require a certain level of emotional closeness at some point in your relationship?
There are so many questions to ask yourself, but it's critical to know for yourself what you need in your relationship dynamic.
There is a lot to learn from the past, so don't hesitate to take some time to reflect on your past relationships. Most women won't go there, mostly to avoid awakening old emotions and regrets.
There might be some lingering pain, but you will learn more if you don't avoid looking back on your previous romances.
Pain can be your greatest teacher...
After this going through this little journey, you should be able to answer this next question:
What's your "value statement" that would make your "brand" irresistible?
You have a unique combination of strengths and talents that give a relationship a kind of flair that no one else can. Think about your qualities and how they add to the relationship, and from there you'll be able to come up with something like this:
"I love to travel and learn from other cultures. That makes me a well-rounded woman who's not afraid to go out of her comfort zone and take on new challenges. I'm also very expressive verbally and emotionally. That makes me naturally good at communicating clearly and avoiding any misunderstandings. I am a fan of personal growth, and that makes a supportive partner who wants to grow in a relationship together with my man."
It can be longer or shorter than that example above, but make sure it captures the essence of your best traits and how it translates into being a great girlfriend - or eventual spouse.
Where is he hiding? STEP 3: Take a look at where you go...
Certain men will go to certain places in his spare time or recreational time. High-quality men with a desire to get into a relationship will probably not be going to the same places as the not-as-desirable guys.
BUT - there may be an overlap.
Some guys just don't know of any other place to go other than singles bars. So they go there, expecting great things, and keep running into the wrong people for them.
It's a meat market where no woman over 30 feels very comfortable, which means bars and clubs are just not a great route.
Whoops, wrong turn...
Yes, some good guys will be found there on occasion, but more likely he's looking in a different place.
Here's where men typically go to meet quality women and a real relationship:
Online dating: Yes, they still do this, and yes, there are quality men to be found. The problem most women have online dating is that they don't know how to navigate the system to get the good guys. They're just avoiding the ones that just joined to share their latest dick-pic. It takes a bit of skill to find the better candidates, as it would anywhere in life.
Think of the ones you don't want as "dating spam." Unavoidable, but manageable with the right method. And it has the advantage of being a "target rich environment" - meaning that there is simply going to be a higher number of available men online dating than others places you go to.
So you're trading convenience for a more concentrated environment.
I know from personal experience that most women hate this method of meeting men - which means that you have an opportunity here if you can put aside your prejudices and just work it.
Pursuits of Passion: The guy you're looking for will probably be busy doing what makes him happy - his hobbies and interests. This means you'll probably find him engaged in a sport, or taking a class, or doing the stuff that makes him happy.
Hobbies make you a more interesting person - and if you don't have any yourself (Netflix doesn't count), you're missing a huge opportunity.
Once in a while is OK, just don't make a habit of it...
Besides, men want women who have a sense of self. And doing what YOU enjoy will bring you together on common ground.
Volunteer work: Another great way to meet someone involved with a passion - because there is nothing more connecting to the heart than working for a cause you believe in. Someone working their charity is going to be vested in their work. And this allows you to bypass the B.S. to find a man working from his compassion.
What's he picking up on? STEP 4: Send the Right Signals...
Men are keen receivers of subtle signals that you might take for granted. It may not look like it sometimes, but we have that radar silently running in the background (and we might not be even aware of it either!).
Most women would be stunned to know what men can sense in a relationship. We might lack some emotional awareness, but we do pick up on signals.
Think about the kind of signals that broadcast your inner state to the world.
Ask yourself - do you send these signals...
With your clothes?
With your choice of words during a conversation?
With the tone of your voice?
With your body language and poise?
With your facial expressions?
With the way you make eye contact?
Everyone gives off a "vibe" - and you need to know what yours is. People on the same wavelength as you will pick up on your specific vibe.
"Birds of the same feather" and all that...
And if you find that you attract a certain kind of guy most of the time, you're either spending too much time in their environment, or you're giving off a scent they just can't resist.
Here are some of the wrong signals:
Desperation: This is frequently communicated through fearful "I can't lose you" behavior. And yes, men often interpret this from the most innocent of your actions. (If you haven't found out why, you owe it to yourself to click here and get the Connection Code)
Neediness: this is Desperation's little sister. It comes out in small ways all the time. Especially when the connection between you and a man is threatened in any way. Women thrive on connection and intimacy, and it's hard to feel grounded when you see signals that he might be pulling away. Which is why you must conquer those fears.
Detached and disconnected: You want to not come across as TOO needy - but on the other hand you don't want to send out a message of "stay away." Some women are unaware of how UN-interested they appear when men engage them. There's a big difference between hard-to-get and hard-to-want. You have to be open and friendly, even if you think this guy *might* be a turkey. Otherwise, you risk closing yourself off and creating an energy of "keep away!"
Overtly Sexual: On the other side of the detached energy is a "too friendly" energy that invites in every guy. It's a fine line to walk and sometimes, it's hard to be discriminating. You do want to be open and easy to talk to, but you also want to show that you have boundaries and a balanced energy. The rule I give is that you want to be sexually feminine, without trying to be too "sexualized."
And - finally....
Finding Mr. Right, Avoiding Mr. Wrong - STEP 5: Do you know what he's looking for ...?
Honestly, a big part of finding the right man (and avoiding the wrong one) is appealing to a man's desire for a long-term, committed relationship.
Here's the Truth: Almost ALL men want a committed relationship.
You might think, "But none of the guys I've dated has wanted that!"
I know you've gone through this before, but hear me out...
Until you run into him a few months or years later and BOOM - the same guy is married with kids.
WTF?? What happened?
It happens because of the UGLY part of that Truth I just shared. Yes, men want commitment - but here's what most women don't realize:
Men pull away when they sense that you're ONLY looking for a commitment.
On top of that, you also need to make him FEEL certain things. This will put him in a place where he's READY to make that commitment.
In other words, he doesn't want a woman that's on the hunt for a committed relationship ALONE. He's looking for a woman who ALSO wants to give him what HE needs so that he will feel safe giving what he can give to you.
A man has an incredible capacity to provide for a woman. Not just financial support, but also provide a safe and loving connection in the relationship.
But you have to know how to let him know that you're the RIGHT kind of woman.
Don't be jaded - no matter how many times it didn't work out...
Unfortunately, this is something that most women don't know how to do anymore.
But it's not your fault!
Moms in the last 20-40 years or so haven't been shown this skill. And fathers dropped the ball, too, failing to train men in how to "man up" and be men.
Back in the 1970s, when everyone was fanatically talking about "women's liberation", a gradual shift occurred.
Moms started holding back on showing women how to use their heart-centered natural skill of loving femininity. And we're starting to slide back into this distraction from the REAL empowerment of women.
If you want to know the shocking truth about what men really want in a relationship...
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