Do you have a man withdrawing from you? And I'm not talking about withdrawing money from your bank account...
Are you wondering right now: "Why is my man pulling away from me?"
One thing I get asked all the time from men AND women is "Why does he/she do that?"
"THAT" meaning anything that seems different or confusing. Why someone would pull away and withdraw from us is always confusing, painful, and difficult.
Women tend to notice men pulling away emotionally, and men notice when women pull away physically (sexually) from him. We are each wired to notice the other's behavior in different ways.
You sense his feelings; he senses your level of physical intimacy.
So why does he pull away from you?
Why does it seem like you're not even on his mind anymore?
Most men don't have an emotional vocabulary to explain this stuff to you. So what I'll do here for you is explain why men withdraw from a relationship.
Withdrawal Reason 1: He's not emotionally mature.
I'm talking about those guys out there who never really worked to evolve their emotions beyond high school level interactions with other people.
A big sign of this problem is when you find yourself with a passive aggressive man. Passive aggressive behavior is when a guy won't say DIRECTLY what it is he wants, but instead HINTS at it.
EXAMPLE: "I'm not mad." (When you know darn well he is!)
EXAMPLE: "Fine. Whatever. I don't care." (When you know darn well he does!)
Sarcasm is another way men (and women) avoid connection and protect themselves when it comes to relationships.
So when you see him demonstrating these signals of immaturity, take a good close look. Most of the time you can see where his communication style evolved by observing his interaction with his mother and father. That will tell you quite a bit about where your communication will struggle.
You need a man with a healthy and mature ability to handle his feelings.
Withdrawal Reason 2: He's got intimacy issues...
Let me be really clear here:
If you compare men to women, men will alwaysappear to have "intimacy issues."
Why is this?
Women are simply hard wired to connect about things in a more emotional level of communication. And it's something most women have spent nearly every day thinking about since before they got in elementary school.
It's like a sloth comparing himself to a kangaroo... the sloth always going to appear to have "speed" issues.
Can you imagine kangaroos huddling together and gossiping about sloths?
"Dude, can you believe how slow Dave is? I think he's totally got speed issues. I'm going to get him to go see a therapist."
That would sound a bit wacky, wouldn't it? Sending a sloth to a therapist for something that is basically its nature?
And yet, that's what women often think about guys who don't express intimacy in the same way she does. In this case, men are declared "faulty," immature, etc.
Mind you, there are men who do have intimacy issues. This is typically when a man is pulling away from intimacy because it genuinely scares him to be vulnerable to a woman.
And if we're keeping the score accurately, women have just as many intimacy issues as men do. It's the same deal for men and women.
(Just because you talk about emotions doesn't mean you're vulnerable and tuned in to why you're feeling a certain way. Even good social skills doesn't mean you're better at intimacy...)
What's important for you is to define intimacy for yourself first.
What kind of intimacy do you need?
What kind of intimacy does NOT work for you?
How often do you need it?
Do you need words, action, or some other kind of communication?
Do you really need to talk about his feelings, or can you accept that he may prefer demonstrating them? (instead of talking about them)
Can you handle it if a man's "intimacy language" is different than yours is?
Once you've defined intimacy for yourself, you now have a clear idea of what you should look for in a relationship partner. And you probably won't have him pulling away from you as much when he feels accepted.
Here is an ugly truth about men that most women don't know about:
Men don't make a commitment unless they're really sure you're The One for him.
And in order for him to be really sure that you're The One, he can't feel uncertainty about his feelings.
What happens when a man feels like he's not sure?
He puts on the brakes and slows things down. That's right - the first thing he does is to press the pause button.
He doesn't have a plan for how he's going to get clarity, either. He's just going to hang back and pay more attention to what's going on.
Most of the time, he doesn't even know what happened. He just got a panic feeling in his gut that told him this wasn't what he was expecting, so he feels this gut-level urge to say "Whooooaaahhh!"
One of the best things you can do early in a relationship is to start talking to him about how he knows when a relationship situation is going well or not. This will tell you what he's looking for, and hopefully not leave you grasping in the dark to meet his expectations.
Withdrawal Reason 4: He's Confused...
This reason is actually pretty close to #2 - except a man can feel totally SURE ... that he's confused.
A man can suffer through months of emotional pain, and he will eventually do something about it. But he can feel confused for just as long, and never do anything about it besides withdrawing from your love. He might look like he can deal with it but it usually turns to anger when you question him about it. Men can also deflect from vulnerability by getting emotional.
So recognize that you want to keep your finger on the pulse of your relationship. If you sense that he's distant or aloof, and he might even seem like he can't make any decisions or move forward in any area of his life... If you sense this kind of hesitation from him, you'll want to see how far his confusion goes.
It might include where he wants your relationship to go.
And very often, his confusion will turn into fear if you're not careful.
Withdrawal Reason 5: He's Having A William Wallace Moment...
If you're not familiar with it, there's a good 1995 movie starring Mel Gibson called "Braveheart." It chronicles the heroic life of William Wallace - a Scottish rebel who led an uprising against the cruel King Edward the Longshanks.
Long story made short: Guys love this movie.
Yes, we even get emotional over it.
Some women I know do, too, if they can handle the rather brutal battle scenes in the movie. The point is that there is a lot about guys you can learn from "Braveheart."
There's a heartbreaking scene in the movie where William Wallace cries out his dream for his people: "FREEDOM!"
That also summarizes what men savor most in life - their personal freedom. It's worth any price to make sure we never lose our freedom. For a man to feel good about himself and his life - he must feel his FREEDOM.
And when a man feels like his freedom is at risk within your relationship, this will make him want to withdraw from you. To him, a partner would never limit his freedom.
So watch for where you may have accidentally curbed his feeling of freedom in your relationship.
And maybe watch "Braveheart" with him and see if he paints his face for the battle scene...
Withdrawal Reason 6: He Wants To Date More Than One Woman...
There are many ways men will pull away from a committed relationship. But this reason is hard to figure out because you may NEVER hear him admit the real reason - his emotional reason:
That he wants to be able to sleep with at least a few women before he gets married.
After all, it sounds so petty and sexist to conjure that reason up. It would be downright embarrassing for a man to admit that he has a lack of sexual experience - he just wants to sample from the buffet.
But the truth is that both men and women want to have a chance at some sexual variety before they "Settle down."
Truthfully, you'll probably be able to sense his discontent - and his need to pull away from emotional and sexual monogamy...
He'll be staring at women a lot...
He may have a porn habit...
He might like to flirt a lot...
He'll have a certain "playboy" attitude towards life...
You might think that he's just acting like a "player." But the truth is that very few men are actually REAL "players" in the real sense of the word.
Most guys are simply too awkward with women. (I worked with men for over 10 years with their dating issues, and I can assure you that most guys are clueless about women.)
He might simply have delusions that he could BE a ladies man.
And this is one of those reasons that you might not be able to overcome or even wait it out. It would be too hard for you to share him with others, and he simply isn't ready to focus only on you until he sows some of his wild oats...
Withdrawal Reason 7: He's JNTIY...
I sometimes just have to admit that a guy might only be "Jinty" about a woman. This is my short way of saying he's Just Not That Into You.
Let's take a good look at this...
Which one of these reasons seems more likely to you:
A) He's ghosting a woman because he's feeling overwhelmed with love and desire for her and figures he should make himself miserable by running away from happiness...
B) He's really not "feeling it" for you.
Well, no one does (A). Unless you're mentally ill.
But no one wants to admit that B could be true, so we go back to believing (A) instead because it feels better to think he's somehow trapped in indecision and his own emotional issues.
The fact is that we all do things to avoid seeing an ugly reality.
Tell me about the last time you did something because you liked the feeling of loneliness and pain that it brought you and I'll just shake my head in disbelief.
Hey, pretending it's not us isn't something that only women do. Guys often invent reasons beyond the obvious. Any person would invent reasons like this if they were in denial.
If a man is not pursuing a woman, it's because he doesn't feel like she's someone he wants - for whatever reason that may be.
And there's a chance he may have been dating you just because it was better than being alone. Some guys might even go so far as to live with you for this reason.
Withdrawal Reason 8: She Jumped Off The Cliff...
Sorry to be such a buzz-kill here, but there are many women who are on a blood-hunt for a husband. In their search for a committed relationship, she falls in love way too fast.
Maybe she's tired of being alone...
Maybe she's insecure...
Maybe she's desperate to have children and a family of her own...
Whatever the reason is - she pulls toward emotional commitment too fast with a guy, and this spooks him.
This situation happens a lot more than you might realize. There's a reason that "clingy women" is a running joke with guys the same way women have a running joke about "men who won't commit." They're opposites sides of the exact same fence.
Men don't want to be PUSHED into love. They need to feel the natural pull of love...
You gotta keep a guy on his toes to keep him engaged and ravenous for you. You can't make it too easy, or he'll get bored and think you're not all that special.
Men truly desire that which they think is slightly out of their grasp.
Don't cancel your other plans for a man. He has to work to get a spot in your calendar...
Don't communicate with him more than once or twice when he's at work or not near you. Give him the gift of missing you!
Don't PULL him in - instead, let him PUSH his way toward you...
I get emails from a lot of women who think this is old fashioned, politically Incorrect nonsense...
These are also the women who - years later - still don't understand men, still don't have the relationship they want, and would rather rant than take a good look at what they're doing wrong.
Trust me. I've been doing this a while and I know what I'm talking about.
You want - and need - him to work for your love, or you'll never know if he does love you.
Withdrawal Reason 9: You're Not The Shizzle...
What I mean is that you may not be his priority at the moment.
When a man runs into problems and obstacles in his life, he puts other things on hold - like his feelings for you - so he can focus on fixing his life problems.
What kind of things would a man find more important than an attractive woman that he's falling for?
Well, honestly - not many things - but here are a few:
Family issues: If he's got issues with his crazy sister, his bipolar mother, or his alcoholic dad - or any mix of issues in his family - he's going to need to take care of this...
Money issues: If he's having trouble making the bills, or he's got some debt issues, he's going to feel inadequate to start a family anyway. He'll want to to get to work on solving that situation first. If he can't pull a clean credit report, he's going to feel it and want to fix it...
Job issues: If he's having trouble with his boss, or his company is floundering, don't expect to be in the front seat of his priorities. Men need to have their career stable...
Mental Health issues: Some men have some depression, anxiety, or other emotional issues that they need to work on, and sometimes a relationship can bring these issues into the open. You might want to decide in advance if this is a situation you want to care for...
BUT he will not be able to make you a priority until he takes care of these things. When he has, he'll be able to pull you back into his arms again.
And you'll be on his mind all the time.
You see, women have the gift of being able to multi-task.
It's a fact: A woman can talk to her mom on the phone while cooking and watching Epic Rap Battles on Youtube...
Guys... not so much. Men think better linearly.
This means that if we're in a difficult time with our finances, we can't stretch our attention to also focus on building a relationship. What we men might need is a more relaxed and sympathetic ear.
Withdrawal Reason 10: He Got Wronged...
One of the most common reasons men withdraw from a woman - or a relationship - is because she made him wrong more than she made him right.
He still feels the pain...
If a man feels like he's not supported and in agreement with his partner, he's going to have a tough time really committing to the relationship.
I hear it a lot from guys, where the woman thinks she's 'keeping her boyfriend in check,' but she's really just looking to stomp on his self-esteem every chance she can. Sometimes this is because of her insecurities, sometimes it's just from fear.
And no matter what you may think of the male ego, when a woman tries to "knock him down a peg," she usually finds he isn't as attracted to her anymore. He might not show it right away, but resentment has just been triggered.
A man's healthy sense of confidence and competence is essential if you want a relationship experience that thrives instead of withers.
Make sure you make a big deal out of making your man right as much as you can. Affirm his competence and his feelings of integrity.
If you "right" him enough, you will have his loyalty, love, and attention for as long as you want it.
If you see that he is "wrong" a bit too much, he's going to be the wrong man for you to get behind and support in a relationship. Stop trying to fix him and let him go.
Don't let insecurities keep you tied to a dead-end relationship...
If you KNOW you're dating a guy that is emotionally immature or unable to handle a relationship, you're in the wrong relationship and you probably need to get out.
The real secret to finding the RIGHT MAN is to know how to read him and understand him.
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