Why Do Men Disrespect Women? 5 Reasons You Need To Know
By: Carlos Cavallo
You may have wondered: Why Do Men Disrespect Women?
If you want to raise the hairs on the back of my neck, all you have to do is start a sentence with: "Why do men...?"
The reason for that is not that you're asking me for insight - but that the assumption is that ALL men do X or Y. And yes, I feel the same way when guys ask me the same things about women.
I know that most people don't want to generalize, but we wind up doing that anyway. Assuming that everyone of a certain category ALWAYS does X or Y doesn't really help us to connect. I always encourage my clients to avoid falling into the trap of black-and-white thinking.
But guess what I'm going to do?
I'm going to recognize that there are things that MOST of us do in relationships. In fact, there are a LOT of these things.
Have you been stuck in your thinking?
The one we're going to tackle today is DISRESPECT.
I'm going to give you 5 reasons that men disrespect women...
But this comes with a bit of a condition. I first have to tell you that much of what YOU think is disrespect is your own interpretation of his actions. What I mean is that men almost NEVER mean to intentionally (or even unintentionally) disrespect you.
In fact... most people do not run around considering whether or not what they're doing is respectful in any way. Most women don't either.
Most of us are just busy living our lives out - trying to get by, make some happy on the weekend, and not get into (too much) trouble. (Or at least the kind of trouble that involves a stay in jail.)
Very few people run around with "I need torespect as many people as I can today" as a primary goal. Most everyone is just trying to get their own needs met. Unfortunately getting our own needs met is everyone's first priority - not meeting YOURS.
Let's just realize right up front that there will always be people that disrespect comes naturally to. Men and women alike.
So why do guys seem to manage to disrespect women anyway?
Let's start with...
Why Men Disrespect Women - REASON 1: He's got issues...
Yeah, pretty much every negative things a person does can be traced back to our own "stuff." Childhood, teenage, parents divorced, didn't get enough hugs ... STUFF.
You could call this stuff "self-esteem issues" but I think that's misleading. There was a big "self esteem" movement 20 or 30 years ago, and it amounted to making a bunch of narcissistic kids into selfish adults. Self esteem is a concept that doesn't really work the way many of us think it does.
Now, when a guy doesn't feel his own worth (kinda like "self-esteem") he will fake a lot of things, and he'll have a delusional view himself as superior to others.
Guys like this will point the finger of blame at everything else in the world but themselves. They enjoy being the victim as well.
If you spot an "us vs. them" attitude in him, there's a good chance he's one of those guys who likes the bully power of groups over his own empowerment.
It not about YOU...
Guys like this also avoid working on themselves in any way.
If you want a quick test of whether the guy you're with has good self-esteem or not? Watch how he handles waiters and waitresses in restaurants, or anyone in a clerk position. Does he treat THEM with respect? If he doesn't, it's only a matter of time before you become one of them.
You want a man who sees the dignity and value in everyone.
His issues will be the number one thing getting in the way of your love.
And... your stuff will be the number one thing getting in the way of your love, too.
He's Disrespecting You - REASON 2: He's got women issues...
Not issues that women have - he's got a problem WITH women.
Hey, there are guys out there like this. Shocking, I know. (That was sarcasm.)
Just as many guys have opposite sex issues as women do.
Hey, it can happen to any of us. Just a couple bad relationships with the wrong kind of guy could set you off on a mad jag of man-hating.
All it takes is a crappy breakup, weirdo stalker - whatever - and your image of the opposite sex is soured for some time. It's not necessarily personal, but it might feel that way.
Respect him by giving him the space he needs.
What needs to take place is healing. And that may mean NOT WITH YOU kind of healing. The kind that doesn't involve you being put through the wringer while he gets his sh*t together.
I've been in those relationships, imagining myself as some long-suffering, open-hearted partner to her. But what ended up happening was that she beat the hell out of my feelings, then left me when she had worked out all her frustrations on me and wore me out.
AND I realized that she was disrespecting ME because I wasn't respecting myself when I took her on as a project. It's a lose-lose situation you can't get stuck in.
Don't be a martyr for this cause - let him get his head space (and heart-space) cleared up - first.
Can't Get No Respect - REASON 3: He's downright broken...
Most guys who are at a low point in their emotional state are just in need of healing. But every so often you're going to meet up with a genuinely messed up person.
He might be a sociopath. The definition of Sociopath is:
Sociopath: A person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior - and a lack of conscience.
The truth is that most of these old school labels like "sociopath," "psychopath," and even "narcissist" are dated and not good for describing mental health. Or guys that misbehave.
Some men cannot be fixed...
But who cares? If they're messed up in the melon (my own technical term), you don't stick around to work out the diagnosis. You get the hell outta there. He's sick and needs professional help.
Forget all those childhood platitudes that say if you just "love him enough" or "sacrifice" that you can fix/change him in any way. The odds are stacked so far against your success that you'll actually be more likely to destroy your own self-esteem than help him.
Step away from the situation and consider it a blessing you didn't get hoodwinked into marrying him.
Can't Get No Respect - REASON 4: You gave it up way too soon...
I'll tell you from experience that - no matter how "special" you think he is, if you sleep with him too soon, he'll lose respect for you.
PERIOD. End of story.
By far, the most common delusion I have to clear up with women I coach is this idea that if it's "special" it means you can sleep with him sooner rather than later. You can just throw caution to the wind and - against your better judgment - jump right into bed.
After all, if you don't bang this dude, some other slut will....
And SHE will win him instead of you!
Forget that kind of scarcity thinking if you ever want to have a chance at a normal relationship.
Sure, he could do this - but if he did just run off with the first easy lay, he was never the kind of guy you could ever trust or have a connected relationship with.
My message to all women everywhere is this:
If you want to be valued, protect your value.
No one respects an easy win!
Have you ever been the "eager beaver"? 😉
You may have heard my Super Bowl Analogy: If all the football players got championship rings for playing the season, what would motivate them to go after the super bowl and win?
Answer: Next to nothing.
We're motivated to chase, conquer, and keep that which we DO NOT HAVE. Or that which appears to be valuable by virtue of scarcity.
And yes, as old-fashioned and UN-feminist as this sounds, part of your value to a man is your perceived level of "easy."
I'll tell you a secret: I used to "hold back" on women. Yup, way back in the day I would be the one putting the brakes on.
Which made almost any woman I was dating work EXTRA hard to get me into bed.
Manipulative? Well, it might have been if I was doing it to get that result.
But I wasn't...
I was doing it because I knew that I needed to be valued. I wasn't "easy" and I was going to make darn sure I chose well.
I encourage you to do the same...
Can't Get No Respect - REASON 5: He Knows He's Won You...
This one kind of goes hand-in-hand with #4...
If a guy knows that you're in love, and you're already invested in him as a relationship, he will put your relationship on cruise control.
In other words, he's just not going to work too hard if he thinks he's already won you over.
How does he know he's won you over?
When you start asking about "where is this going?" That's always a sure-fire way to know she's in love...
When you sleep with him...
When you make a lot of future plans - and you're always making sure he knows he's included in them...
When you start becoming anxious with him about how he feels about you...
In fact, I'll bet you already know when you do things that lower your value in his eyes, yeah?
We all seem to know when we've made the goof of showing our cards too soon. Even guys can sense this.
(Wussy, inexperienced, insecure guys do this all the time - and you're probably hyper-sensitive to this kind of guy when he starts getting needy on you. Not very attractive, is it?)
So keep him guessing.
Don't be so quick to "lock him down."
And definitely do NOT think that just because you've let your interest and shown your open heart to him that this means he will now just fall right into a loving relationship with you. Sure, in a fairy tale, maybe. But human emotions are built on illogical, primal rules that are NOT LOGICAL!
Look, commitment isn't easy to get from a man - if you don't know how a man thinks.
But if you know what men want, and what makes him choose one woman over another, you'll win him over.
There are two ways you can approach your dating life:
1 - Wing it. Hope that you hit on the just the right combination to get him to fall in love and stay with you forever. You could do this for the rest of your life and miss out on the relationship you've always wanted - simply because you're afraid to learn the rules of love and how men REALLY work.
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