Trapped In A Loveless Relationship…?
QUESTION FROM A READER:
This situation of mine does not really relate to the Forever Yours program too much but you did touch on the danger of entering a ‘platonic buddy’ relationship.
I have been married for 10 years. When I got married, I married for security and to a good man who loves me and is wonderful and responsible.
I had my doubts though when I got married but I chose to ignore them due to pressures – from parents, self-inflicted etc.
The thing is, long before I got married to him (had been seeing each other for 5 years prior) the attraction and sexual chemistry fizzled out.
For 10 years I’ve been suffering in silence. Well I’ve spoken to my husband about my pain, but he didn’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation till now. Because recently I told him that I was considering divorce because I couldn’t handle the lack of passion any more. We’ve been getting counselling. It’s been really hard.
For these years I’ve had crush after crush on guys who had a greater sexual and primal energy than my husband. And have wanted to have an affair.
I’m a highly creative, passionate woman so this kind of bland marriage is killing me inside.
I hate having to hurt a good man who loves me so much – he’d do anything for me. But I can’t see how I can handle the pain any more.
He’s trying to make changes – i.e. speak my ‘love languages’ more as people have been telling me to try that more. And I feel some greater affection for him, but it doesn’t make me want to jump into bed with him. I’m just not physically or sexually attracted to him.
I know that no one can make this decision for me – so I’m not asking you to. I just want to know what your thoughts are on this situation. Whether you think there is hope for us or you think I should just ‘cut my losses’ and move on with my life – get divorced and find another relationship with all the things I’m looking for in a man.
I know that moving out of my current marriage will mean I lose a really beautiful, loving man who is a wonderful provider. But I don’t see how I can endure this any more.
I look around and see other people have this kind of marriage and I don’t understand how they can live that way. I really can’t.
I really wish I did your Forever Yours program 10 years ago. I would have been so much wiser and avoided making the mistakes that I’ve made.
Thank you again!
CARLOS CAVALLO ANSWERS:
Jane, I want to thank you for being brave enough to tell this story.
Most women don’t realize just how many other women are going through the same thing. They made the “logical” decision to choose a guy that looked good on paper, but never really had that passion and fire of sexual excitement for him.
(This is something I’m talking about in this month’s Perfect Passion Insider’s Club)
Well, you’re right that I’m not going to advise you either way on your marriage at this point. While I’m known to be opinionated on situations like this, you are the ultimate expert of your own experience.
I will tell you that while there is always hope, it does not always mean that the hope is worth the effort to achieve the results.
I do know that you CAN use the secrets I teach you in Forever Yours to recapture him, only you can decide if it’s really worth it.
The way I see it, the only way for you two to revive your relationship is to make a final “hail Mary” pass to do it. This means going all or nothing…
You’ve both got to be completely realistic and honest with each other. It’s the only starting off point that will give you the chance you seek.
Then you have to go back to the start again. Literally…
You have to pretend as though you two are right back to the first few weeks of getting to know each other again.
I’d suggest a full separation, followed by a trial courtship period. No sex for a few months so you can get back to that level of sexual tension that revives your emotions and desire again.
Your husband will also have to own up to his need to really get his ass back in the game of winning you over – again.
Yep, he’s gotta work for you all over again. And you can play as hard to get as you probably feel for him right now. His masculine responsibility is to get back to courting you and winning you back.
You’ll quickly realize whether there’s any embers left in that fire. If you feel a stirring or desire in there, perhaps there is the seed of something worth nurturing.
At this point, your relationship has none of the dynamics of sexual chemistry you need.
If you stay there and play the “counseling” and “therapy” game, you’re going to wind up just as unfulfilled, depressed, and loveless as you are right now.
You’re idling, on the verge of stalling – if you haven’t already.
The problem with couples counseling – if not done properly – is that it takes the slow road, which usually means that one or both of you never get the real boost of passion started that you really need. It just fades out as you hash through issue after issue, never really getting back to the part where you both have to feel the fire of ATTRACTION to make it work.
Without that, there’s usually no point.
You need to shift into a radical gear to get things back on track, if that’s what you want. And no one can promise you that it isn’t already too late.
But that’s what your relationship needs right now.
A SERIOUS shot of mojo!
It’s like trying to pop the clutch on your car to start it (Yeah – we did this a lot in high school…)
You won’t get that car started by ‘sorta’ rolling it along. You need to give it a serious push.
And that’s where you are right now.
The only thing getting in the way of that is your own apathy, quite honestly.
After all these years of “Meh… (yawn)”, it can be really hard to summon the desire to put out that kind of last final ditch effort.
And who could blame you?
We get caught up in the expectations of others, and we don’t want to let them down. Even at the expense of our own happiness.
But always remember – you only get one whirl around this life. Do what needs to be done to ensure your own happiness.
Because ultimately that’s one thing that you have the final responsibility for. And it’s never too late.
And if there’s any message from the Forever Yours program that you should walk away with, it’s that.
Sure, you may have made a few mistakes, but don’t let that “sunk cost” keep you in something. If it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
I leave the final choice to you, because it sounds like you’re well on the path to making the right decision.
Yours in Perfect Passion…
– Carlos Cavallo
PS: If you’d like to learn the secrets that Jane wishes she had made, it’s not too late for you, either.