No one wants to think that their partner is seeing someone else behind their back. But you also don't want to miss any signs he's cheating on you because you were in denial.
Cheating is the ultimate feeling of betrayal, and betrayal is one of the most powerful emotions we experience as human beings. It shakes up our world like an earthquake. Most long term relationships don't have the strength to endure this kind of trauma.
BUT you can spot the signs that will tell you whether or not he's sliding down the slippery slope of infidelity. And if you know what evidence to look for, you can also stop the situation from getting out of control - and keep your relationship safe.
And that's what we're going to talk about here...
And you'll be able to do it without strapping him into a lie detector. (Because it would be pretty embarrassing to be wrong, no?)
We'll get to the signs he may be cheating on you in just a bit...
As a woman experiencing this kind of turmoil in your relationship, you might find yourself asking a lot of questions:
Why do people cheat in a relationship?
There are as many reasons as there are different combinations of men and women. You can probably look deep into your relationship dynamic and see patterns that reveal the problems. Men and women typically cheat to get unfulfilled needs met in their relationship.
When should you bring up the subject of cheating?
There is no right or wrong time to bring it up. If you suspect a problem in your relationship, and that your significant other is pulling away, possibly even looking to date other women, you must speak up right away. The sooner, the better!
How do I save our relationship?
This is a huge question, and not one that can be tackled in this post. I can help you understand what your man is looking for - as well as the common patterns that relationships can fall into.
Can couples therapy help with cheating?
Couples therapy can be very helpful to save your relationship. However, you have to catch the problems EARLY on. If you wait until he has established a new relationship before you see a marriage counselor or relationship therapist, you could be fighting an uphill battle.
The truth is that couples therapy is only effective if both people are committed to fixing the relationship together.
Is he losing interest in me?
Again, your relationship is going to be a unique situation. However, most men cheat to get their needs met - the same reason women do. If he has "lost interest" in your relationship, it's usually a symptom of something greater at work.
Is he a cheater?
This is important to understand - did he cheat - or is he a cheater? In other words, was he unfaithful to your relationship? OR - is it his character to not be faithful to your relationship? You should be able to determine this from your experience of his personality and his character.
Am I just being paranoid?
Chances are, if you sense that something is not quite right in your relationship, there is something worth looking at. Your instincts are sending you a message.
And chances are that you may ignore the evidence that really shows you the truth.
To avoid this, I want to give you the real facts to help keep your relationship together.
What I DON'T want you to do is become paranoid that everything he's doing is an indication of some kind of sneaky behavior. If you get it in your head that he's seeing someone else every time you're apart, you'll just drive yourself nuts with suspicion.
I'm not going to excuse anyone's behavior here. Just call it what it is.
Before we get started, I want to cover a few points with you about cheating:
1) The first thing you have to remember is that a happy, satisfied, fulfilled man in a relationship doesn't cheat.
Yeah, I know... every one of your girlfriends has you believing that men will just jump in the sack with the next hottie that comes along if the opportunity is there. (And the slutty little vixen that lures him away from you.)
Now, if you know me, you know that I don't subscribe to the "all men are cheaters" philosophy. It's a popular opinion that men are the only ones who cheat, and that guys do it at the drop of a hat.
Sorry, that's just not true.
In fact, nearly as many women cheat as do men. Women are much better at keeping their relationships a secret, and much less likely to tell anyone else it's going on.
Guys, on the other hand, tend to want to brag and show off their "conquest." They are usually reckless and obvious - leaving evidence all over the place.
What IS true is that guys who are unhappy - just like women who are unhappy - will find and justify the means to cheat. It's human nature.
Men are more likely to form an outside sexual relationship as a way to boost his ego.
No one wants to walk away from the relationship they have - breaking up is truly hard to do.
BUT test driving another one is always a safer option, which is why cheating seems to be a great option if your old relationship isn't doing it for you anymore.
So if you can remember one thing here that will serve you best, it's this: Keep your man happy!
I mean, you should already be focused on that... Just like he should be focused on keeping YOU happy. But it's something we all have to re-learn every day if we're going to have a happy relationship.
2) Make sure the relationship "rules" are crystal clear...
I've talked with more than my fair share of couples who have a distinctly different opinion on what the "relationship" actually is.
In many cases, the woman had already made up her mind that they were "exclusive" - without having discussed it with him.
Many women fear that conversation and all it entails that they often rehearse it in their head so much they think they've actually had "The Talk" with him. And then they're surprised when he doesn't share the feelings.
Before you get it in your head that he might be unfaithful, you need to be sure that he's on the same page as you about the status of your relationship. And make sure that it's clearly understood - not just implied.
Yeah, most men would prefer a more "informal" dating relationship - to suit their need to feel unencumbered, not because they are on the hunt for another "conquest." So you might have to be very specific with your language.
And while you're at it, make sure you check in and find out what you both consider "in bounds" and "out of bounds" for your relationship.
If he doesn't see it as a problem to go to dinner with an old girlfriend, but you do - he has to know that.
3) Put away your judgment.
I talk to people every week who condemn and vilify anyone who would even consider being unfaithful. Yet, 90% of the people I've dated or talked to have cheated in some way. (And I suspect the other 10% were lying like rugs...)
Cheating HAPPENS, people. And it happens far more than many suspect. (Especially when most people doing it distort reality to make it seem like they're not.)
It's that harsh sting of betrayal (and rejection) that makes us lash out in pain.
Yes, it sucks - but there are VERY few people who ever cheat that did it to hurt the other person.
It was a selfish act that they didn't understand the consequences of. And even if they did, they got wrapped up in the lust and heat of the moment.
Hey, I'm not here to excuse the act - just to share the understanding.
Now, let's jump into the signs and indications that your man might be looking to step out on you...
Cheating Signal #1: The Usual Suspects
It's a little cliche, but you have to keep your eye out for the obvious evidence that might give away his indiscretions:
Lipstick on shirts
Scent of another woman's perfume
New marks on his body - like bites or small hickeys
Credit card statements or bank statements that don't look right (hotel and restaurant charges)
Sudden shift of attitudes and emotions
He spends a lot of time away from home suddenly
Strange gifts - that he's purchased, or received
He's re-activated an online dating profile (or never took it down!)
There are common signs and subtle signs of a guy who is looking around to cheat. Not all of them will require you to hire a private investigator, either. (In fact, you should never have to resort to that.)
You should also take a look at your relationship - especially if you have gone through some stressful times, or if your sex life has faded out.
Cheater Signal #2: He's hiding his phone and being secretive
These days, if you're going to step out on someone, your mobile phone is going to be your primary communication tool. What's more, you'll keep anyone else from accessing it - as if it was a matter of national security.
In some cases, he may even have an additional phone he keeps from you.
So if he's changing his phone lock code frequently, that could be a good indication something is going on that he doesn't want you to know about. He'll also be spending a lot more time on his phone with both private calls and texting.
Another thing to watch for are a lot of phone calls that he won't let you hear. Occasional privacy is understandable, but a lot of it could indicate a problem.
You may also see him need a lot more privacy from you - even at home. Yeah, time for himself is one thing, but when the pattern changes - or the frequency and duration increases - something else might be going on.
One of the big ones here is what he's up to on his social media accounts. If you see him active on Facebook, messenger, and other social media networks, you should pay attention and see what's going on.
Cheating Behavior Sign #3: He's Suddenly Into His Appearance
If your guy is going to the gym a lot more regularly, and he's been upgrading his wardrobe, grooming, and appearance in general, you should consider this a suspicious sign. Of all the signs of cheating, this is one that should raise your awareness.
He's obviously trying to prep his appearance for someone - and if it's not himself, there might be a third party involved.
He might even refresh all his "tools" - like his razor, his after shave, his soaps, his cologne, etc.
By the way, guys go through waves of "refresh" where they decide to throw out their old stuff. So watch out for this signal as well.
Is he unfaithful? Signal #4: He Disappears
He goes "dark" for days or more at a time - or doesn't come home until late. It's usually some half-baked explanation about a "thing at work", or involving his family and/or friends.
You might even notice he's spending a lot more on leisure activities for himself and whoever else he's with. And when he is with you, he might as well be on the moon because his mind seems to be wandering far, far away.
The point is that he's shutting you out from the other parts of his life because he's off spending entire chunks of time WITHOUT you. The less details he shares about his "sudden" emergencies, the more you should be concerned about his secretive behavior.
You'll also hear a lot more excuses from him about where he's been, who he's been with, and what he is doing. Listen close for stories that don't add up, or sound fishy.
Could he be cheating? Warning sign #5: He's extreme with his interest - or disinterest
He'll either be really into you (mostly out of guilt) - or he will almost completely ignore you. With a cheating guy, his behavior will be on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
When a guy has a sudden personality shift, you should take notice.
For instance, you might notice he's suddenly TOO nice and accommodating. Like he's trying to win you back out from his own guilt. You might miss this one because you're so happy he's attentive to you again.
There's nothing wrong with being sweet of course. But if you feel that he's going overboard with the kindness, that's something you should take note of.
His unexplained burst of enthusiasm might be on account of his affair, or maybe his way of making up for cheating on you.
On the other hand, he might be the complete opposite and act like you're not there. For example, might be giving you one-line responses to anything you say or ask him.
If he wasn't like that at all before, that's a bad sign. Worse, the only attention you get is when he snaps at you or finds something to complain about.
He's probably withdrawn and easily rattled because of the affair - not to mention the mental stress of hiding it from you.
However, you need to remember that not everything is an indication that your man is cheating on you.
Sometimes, you'll spot his desire to just change things up a bit in his life. A man can become dissatisfied and eventually just want to clean house.
The reality is that the groundwork for cheating is often laid for months - and sometimes years - before a person finally takes action.
We hope the other person will notice and suddenly fix their wicked ways - pulling us close once more.
Trust your intuition. If your gut is telling you something is off, then there is.
He may deny it (so would you if your roles were reversed). So you have to stick to your guns and keep your eyes open.
The truth of the matter is that everyone needs to step up and take notice of the things that could be an indication of the need for something new.
Novelty is always enticing, and sometimes sexual novelty will present itself. You just need to be on alert for the changes that could indicate his infidelity.
On top of being vigilant, the best thing to safeguard your relationship is to make your connection with him as REAL as possible.
And the best way to do this is by learning his unique Connection Style. If you don't know that men have distinct connection styles, you might have missed out on his signals, too.
This is the secret to make any man committed to you and keep him from leaving.
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