5 Warning Signs Of A Bad Love Affair - How To Read A Guy
By: Carlos Cavallo
Bad dates: they happen.
And unfortunately, way too often.
If you want to find love these days, you have to swim through a virtual ocean of frogs. They just don't make men like they used to.
My wife and I are watching season 4 of "Vikings" - a great historical drama on the History channel. Now, these guys were dysfunctional, for sure.
But you can't deny one thing: They were MEN. Through and through.
Unfortunately for women today, wimpy, whiney guys lurk everywhere - and you need to make sure you don't clog your life up with one of these losers.
And here's the cruddy part... it's not just men, it's both sides of the gender divide.
Make no mistake - guys and gals everywhere are unhappy with the state of the dating union. Character is starting to be difficult to find in both sexes.
But since we're only concerned with you ladies, I'm going to focus our advice on how to pick the good guys - and leave those other runts behind.
I want to show you how to avoid those guys that give love a bad name, as Bon Jovi once sang.
Let's start with:
Sign #1 To Avoid - He's a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde
You shouldn't have too much trouble spotting this guy. He seems to have a split personality.
Sometimes he's the alcohol-fueled douchebag, who gets amped up after a few too many whiskey sours. Or maybe some other kind of self-medication.
Sometimes he's the guy who's the super-sweet romantic, until he gets into your pants. Then he either goes cold again, or back to ignoring you.
Sometimes, he just vanishes.
Or he's that guy that's so genuine and real at first, but then you see that he's got a liar in there that makes you wonder if he might be married... or worse.
He tries to stay on his best behavior, but he seems to have this streak of bad in him...
And I don't mean the hot, sexy kind of bad boy that women find so alluring.
No, this kind of 'bad' is the kind you know you need to run away from. But all too often you don't realize it's in him until it's too late.
He's broken, in a fundamental way, and there's little you can do to rehab him.
Heed my advice: Don't take on pet projects that have a penis attached. They'll inevitably disappoint you.
Instead, focus on a guy who has enough character that you can work with.
Avoid this guy #2 - Cheating, manipulating guy
The problem with this guy is that he gets his hook in nice and secure before you start to smell what he's cooking.
He might have sworn to you that he and his girlfriend were "taking a break" - but then you find a mysterious pair of earrings in his car.
Or maybe he says that things are "so bad" between them that the breakup was almost guaranteed.
Key word: Almost.
Let's be clear about something here: His words will always sound so convincing at first because YOU WANT TO BELIEVE HIM.
More than likely, you also ignored some warning signs of the would-be cheat, even when you sensed those signals were there.
Many women will do the reverse of what happens in sales.
Let me explain...
Most of us make a buying decision with our emotions, then back it up with logic.
When it comes to these silky-smooth operators, the women tend to feel something wrong in their emotional gut, but then talk themselves back into it with some pretty weak logic.
"Oh, he couldn't be seeing her - she's not even in town this month..."
"He's just out with his buddies this weekend," she says, putting her phone away for the umpteenth time after checking her messages.
The real lesson here is that you have to keep your intuition engaged the whole time. Don't let his words sway you if you don't know enough about him yet.
When you're in the first 6 to 8 weeks of any relationship, you're both on probation.
If you detect a whiff - even a faint one - of misdirection or weirdness, you better look deeper, not turn your head.
I get it - when you meet a guy who at least has a slight amount of passion in him and doesn't come across like a wuss, you feel like you need to give him more than a fair shake. They're so rare these days, after all.
But a girl's gotta keep her eyes open.
Don't Let Him Into Your Heart #3: Control FREAK
Look, as a former control freak, I know how this one works.
First of all, as a guy, I come across as very confident. And a lot of that confidence started out as bravado stuffed inside a control-freak hard taco shell.
But women ate it up. Because I stood head and shoulders above 90% of the soft, feminized men that often wander the singles savannah.
(To my credit, I was a good man inside, but I had that control thing installed in me by my dad without my permission.)
But this guy can cause you some major wrecking-ball damage along the way, so be careful.
Some of the stuff he can/will do:
- Manipulate or press your hot buttons about your appearance to control how you feel about yourself at any given moment. When he does this, he can pretty much play you like a puppet if you're not aware...
- He'll jack with your self-esteem by pressing buttons about your career. He'll usually hit that "doubt" button a lot when it comes to your professional decisions...
- He'll manipulate you by telling you "you're too sensitive" when something upsets you. Hey, maybe you were, but that's not a compassionate response from someone who's supposed to care about your emotional well being...
- Jealousy - this one is really insidious. Because you'll eat up his attention and interest in you. After all, if he's feeling that kind of jealousy, you will feel desired somewhere in there. Until he starts wanting to know where you are and who you're with all the time...
The most extreme form of the control freak is the abusive guy, whether it's verbal or has the potential to get physical.
If you sense that Mr. Perfect has a streak of control in him - keep your eyes open and log it every time you see it.
Remember: Most men are NOT abusive or this whacked.
But you also have to look out for your own best interests, so if you see the signs, assume it's a problem ...until it's not.
Lose The Loser #4: Immature Guy
They used to call this problem "Peter Pan" syndrome. Where the guy is stuck in boy-man mode.
He might be 43 years old, but he's still an occasional weekend binge drinker, or he's always out playing Frat boy with his friends who also have done their best to not grow up.
He'll lure you in with his spontaneity and sense of adventure. He'll pull you out of your rut, which is a good thing.
Until it's not.
Unfortunately, this problem is becoming more of a problem with men these days.
It's far easier for most men to sit on the couch with a video game than it is to face up to the daily grind and stresses of life.
To be fair, most men never really got the chance to work out their boyhood fun earlier in life. They got sucked into working to get through college, then expecting that pot at the end of the rainbow when they went out into the workforce.
And then they discovered that what they were sold as a "career" was mostly a sham. And that disappointment led to their extended teenager phase.
Now they need YOU to help kick their ass into gear!
LOVINGLY. Not with nagging or berating because he is where he is.
Yup - the biggest problem with these guys is probably that mother of his who coddled him into Dorito-ville - and that dad who disappeared when he was 6. So he doesn't need another mom, even if that's what he seems to need from you.
He needs compassionate support to become a better man.
But even better is to avoid the really immature guys right off the bat. Difficult situations will turn him into a little "girlie man*" - and he'll leave you hanging.
(*If my use of the term "girlie man" offended you, you're probably reading the wrong article, simply put...)
Bounce This Bozo - #5: Raging Ego Guy
Look, it might not sound "enlightened" - but everyone needs an ego.
You need to have a sense of well-being about yourself to function in the world. Very few of us can go live in a monastery meditating away our human condition.
But the Raging Ego Guy is going to be tempting - in the wrong direction. He'll lure you in with what seems to be rock solid self-confidence.
And gosh knows this is a rare thing today with so many other guys afraid to start a conversation with you for fear of being arrested for harassment.
But this guy's ego will start to show some flaws. Like his not being able to shut up about all the things he's done.
He'll also find ways to turn conversation around to him, and being right all the time.
This guy is a different flavor of narcissist. And that ego he has is actually pretty fragile if you know where the cracks are.
Just don't get into the bad habit of compensating by trying to "knock him down a notch." This kind of method in handling healthier men will actually push them away.
Men need a slightly inflated ego to deal with the blustering and chest-puffing (and day-to-day crap) they have do handle. But if his ego is out of control and impacting your relationship, time to kick him to the curb.
It takes a strong willed woman to manage this guy into a healthy zone. And if you got that, honey - don't waste your confidence on him.
There - 5 guys you gotta avoid - and how to read them...
Now I also want to warn you about some of the bad advice I see out there all the time. Most of it is about spotting a man with poor character.
Most of these talk about guys like they're running around with a clever name badge, and they rarely talk about the deeper method of seeing him for who he is.
Oh, and I've got something else for you: Avoid any article that claims there are "27 types of men to avoid."
I've found that most of these articles with huge numbers of "types" are pretty negative slams on men in general. If you follow their tips, you'll just find yourself interpreting quirks of his into horrible character flaws.
But what you should do is make sure you read the articles that tell you about the 15 kinds of women men should avoid.
Because there you'll find that they have interesting insights for you to apply to your own life. And yes, I tell men to read all the articles about the "27 types of men" so they can also get the insight they need into themselves.
If you want to know how to really CONNECT with the guys that you know would make a good catch, you have to understand how his mind works. And I'm not talking about the typical why-do-guys-do-this-and-that business.
Sure, that stuff is important - I even covered that here. But you need to go beyond the basic level of understanding guys' behavior and probe a little DEEPER.
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