5 Things Men Want In A Woman (But Won’t Tell You)
This week, I have a special treat to open up this tidbit of advice for you. It’s a question from a reader…
Let’s dig in!
I had a few questions as I was reading through the Forever Yours Manual…
I noticed you kept saying to give him space and there is really no need to text daily. Doesn’t that give them the space to go and potentially meet someone new?
– Kelly M.
Kelly, thanks for your question. This cuts right to the core of something I’ve been dying to discuss here for a while. Namely, the things a man wants in a woman.
I’m actually going to show you FIVE things men want here today…
But hang on – because what I have to explain first is going to rock you a little.
Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser
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Kelly – you said:
“Doesn’t that give them the space to go and potentially meet someone new?”
Kelly, he will ALWAYS have this opportunity to meet other people. You will never be able to block his social life by flooding him with texts.
NOW I have to ask you: Do you think this is the secret to a relationship with a man? To smother him JUST enough that he can’t think about other people – or leaving you?
Because I can tell you that this is NOT what a man wants in a woman.
Yowch, Carlos. That hurt.
Well, it’s a sincere thing for me to say. Because there is an underlying assumption in your question.
What you’re saying is that it’s in a guy’s nature to be shady. There’s that assumption that you can’t create a relationship with a man because he can’t be trusted if you aren’t there watching him 24/7. He’s just going to run off with the first chick that bats her eyelashes at him.
If you think that, you might be tempted to remind him with texts every few minutes that “Kelly is watching!”
And this belief is based on a whole bunch of other things, with one standing out:
– My own value isn’t enough to keep him interested.
Kelly, THAT belief is the one you need to root out and erase from your brain.
This is the underlying belief that kills so many women’s chances at a real committed relationship.
It’s not as if we men will only commit to a woman because he doesn’t have time to shop for someone else.
We do it because of how we feel about YOU.
So to help you understand better, let’s move on to the 5 things men DO want in a woman – and a wife…
What He Wants – #1: A woman who he can PLAY with
Play is important to men. VITALLY important.
Not only do we have play as part of our nature, we expect it from our partner.
He wants you to be playful because it motivates him to invest in you for a relationship. When he knows that he can cut loose with you, he’ll open up more.
He’ll talk more…
He’ll engage his primal emotion of PLAY – which is directly connected to his love for you.
The nature of a man is to interact with his world through play and ACTION. NOT through talk.
Women, on the other hand, are brought up to use talk and words for most of the same situations. But this isn’t compatible with his needs.
Men don’t feel gut-level attraction because you talked him into it. He feels it because you tapped into his playful side.
So, play some (fun) games with him and see what happens… (Not head games.)
Men want to see that you have a sense of humor. This specific quality has been shown to be attractive because it implies a relaxed mind that can think of solutions to problems.
This is why it’s so important to you when choosing a man…
And guess what? Men want that trait too.
We want to see that you don’t take things too seriously.
Don’t be scared to tease him a bit…
Joke with him…
At the same time, don’t make things too easy for him. I’m going to explain this more in a bit…
What Men Want #2: Real men want INDEPENDENT women.
That means NOT dependent.
I say it like that because many people think that ‘independent’ means having to go out and be Miss Ambitious. It’s that thinking along the lines of, “Set the world on fire! You go Girl!”
You can do that, sure – but that’s not the kind of qualities he’s looking for when it comes to independence.
What ‘independent’ means is:
– NOT influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself
– NOT relying on another or others for aid or support.
And here’s one that most people wouldn’t guess:
– Possessing a competency: To be financially independent, for example.
What all these definitions are saying is that you should appear to have the ability to put up a boundary with him when you need it.
That means NOT letting him walk all over you because you’re so darned pleased to have a relationship.
I don’t mean for that to sound insulting – it’s just that many women do approach relationships this way without meaning to. And before you know it, your credibility and power in the relationship are GONE.
Lots of women mistakenly think that men are looking for a “weaker” or submissive woman who will make HIM feel like he’s smarter and more powerful.
We are attracted to women who have their own life in motion, because that is the best way for us to see that she has value already.
What matters most to him is that she will open up space in her life and world to include him when the time – and commitment – comes.
Again, many women do the opposite – trying to be TOO available to him up front. They have this fear that if they don’t make it super easy for him, he’s going to rush out and find a woman who IS easy. (Remember Kelly’s assumption earlier…)
The best way to communicate your independence is simply to stay busy and actively pursuing your own life.
Don’t drop everything to pull him toward a goal of walking down the aisle with him. And DEFINITELY don’t drop your friends for him. That’s a red flag that men watch for as well.
Stay active with your social circle.
Have a life worth living without him.
What he’s looking for in his girlfriend – #3: Emotional Maturity!
Oh, boy. This is a possible minefield.
Let me ask you something:
When there’s attraction and then romance between you and a man…
…but there’s ALSO a disagreement or difference of opinion…
What will you do?
Because men watch for this situation as well. I’m talking about times when a woman is unhappy with him or sees a shortfall.
In these instances, we want a woman who doesn’t immediately jump to blaming or criticizing us.
More importantly, he wants you to share your emotions with him in a non-destructive way.
(The term for this is “non-violent communication”, by the way. AND it’s an excellent method of not only getting what you want from him, but molding his behavior. )
How you handle your emotions is one of the most critical areas a man watches in his relationship. It might even be the number one deal-killer for relationships.
Tell us what you want, without drama.
Respect him and his emotions in the process…
Be cool and keep your cool in your conversations, and he WILL notice it.
It’s not to say he doesn’t care about how you feel or the disagreements you have. But he does need some reassurance of emotional safety – especially if those conversations get tense.
Most guys are wary of feeling attacked or getting hit below the belt when they don’t see eye-to-eye with you on something.
So, do your best to remove that fear we have. It’s a great way to keep your guy from feeling under fire.
Plus, it’ll prevent him from shutting down on you and putting up that stone-cold wall of silence.
Men want women like this – #4: RESPECT
Oh, this one is Heeeeee-uge, and it’s related to emotional maturity.
We often take for granted the basic fact that everyone broadcasts their personality with their behavior. We do it through our values, along with our every word and action.
And when it comes to a relationship, every man wants to see how you will treat him. What you say and do to him will tell him the kind of person you are.
Will you be courteous and respectful of him when you two have a “chat” in public?
Or will you roll your eyes, acting as if you’re dealing with the world’s biggest dolt?
SECRET: You want a big peek into his character? Go look at his social media.
Everything he says or does as a guy will show up there.
You can see his comments, his posts, his replies to other’s opinions. All laid out bare for you to review.
Because guess what? He’s going to be doing that to you as well.
That’s right, Facebook is now the world’s greatest personality predictor and screening tool.
And he’s not just looking at how you treat other people – he will be watching to see if you respect YOURSELF, too.
Because if you can’t respect yourself (your health, your friends, your family life, your career, etc.), then you can’t possibly respect HIM.
It’s simply not possible to have *HEALTHY* respect for another person without respecting yourself.
Remember, there’s a strong connection between the way you treat yourself AND the way you deal with the people around you. That especially includes the person you’re in an intimate relationship with.
He wants to see that you respect yourself enough to conduct yourself in a classy way – both in public AND behind closed doors.
What Men Want From Women – #5: CHALLENGE!
Low-key lifestyles are challenging in many ways. By “Low key” I mean that you’re not trying to be on the front of magazines, or broadcast your popularity everywhere.
We men are intrigued and inspired by women who have their own thing going on.
Mature men aren’t attracted to women who need to be noticed all the time – and try to look like they’re celebrities.
Where am I going with this?
Men want a woman who will CHALLENGE us.
Left to his own devices, a man will run amok and go power mad. It’s true, it’s not pretty, and I wish we weren’t like this.
But YOU can contain and direct this energy to help us be balanced and good people.
All men want is a woman who can help keep us in line (using that respect) and point us in the direction of our better selves.
Challenge is the essence of a man’s character – and his motivation.
Men rise to a worthy challenge and go for it. We are DO-ers, and not satisfied with constant contemplation and rumination.
Even if he appears lazy to you, rest assured that there is a man of ACTION under there, if you can just dial in to his motivation and passion.
How do you challenge him?
The first and best way is to not give all of yourself up in the first two dates with him.
Give us some mystery.
Hold back a little.
Yes – even with the sex!
All men understand that if he has to WORK to get you into bed, there is a greater chance for love and a relationship.
We KNOW this to be true.
And yet, many women think that if she doesn’t jump in the sack with him as soon as possible, he will lose interest.
This is the same thinking that Kelly mentioned when she said: “Doesn’t that give them the space to go and potentially meet someone new?”
Again, he will ALWAYS have that. You can’t make a man commit to you by trying to take away his options and his space.
In fact, it will just do the opposite. It will inspire him to run as fast as he can away from you.
That’s the definition of “ball and chain,” by the way.
So keep him challenged, and keep him guessing. Leave a little room for mystery.
Let his mind kick into gear so his imagination will fill in those gaps. With the right fuel, the mind can project powerful thoughts and images of you into his head.
Keep him wondering about you…
Keep him wondering if he’s really GOT you…
And even when he thinks he’s got you, you need to keep him on his toes with challenges. Quests to overcome.
You ever wonder why so many of those fairy tales have the prince or knight going on a quest to win the fair maiden’s hand in marriage?
That’s because she knew that:
A) A man worth winning her hand wouldn’t sit home watching TV and suddenly realize he was in love…
B) The way to create love in a man is to help him FEEL it by letting him take ACTION.
Set him up to succeed. Give him ways to keep you happy and he will gladly work for your love.
Then he’ll worship and desire you the way you want.
See? Fairy tales actually understood what was going on in a man’s head.
Now, chances are you’ve read this article and you’re thinking: “Carlos, I’ve got ALL of those traits! Why aren’t men just lining up to take me out and romance me? Why do I keep wind up dating all the jerks and losers out there?”
Well, just HAVING the things that a man wants isn’t enough.
After all, you’re not a Barbie doll sitting on the shelf. You’re not just sitting pretty there, waiting for some guy to see all the bullet points on your packaging and put you into his shopping cart.
You don’t want see him sitting on the fence about your future as a couple and holding back on that commitment you want from him.
So, what you need to do is inspire him into action by stirring something deep inside him. He needs to feel compelled to pursue you like his life depended on it.
And the only way he’ll feel that sense of desperate urgency is if you appeal to a primal – even animalistic – side of him. It’s a romantic instinct that’s he’s had ALL his life – it’s even hard-coded into his very DNA.
You see, when you trigger this part of him, it’s like activating a command deep in his brain that will make him obey a “Love Law” he can’t get around.
It’s as if he’ll have no other option but to be the loving, devoted partner you want him to be.
This is why they say attraction isn’t a matter of choice. Once the switches have been flipped, there’s NO turning back.