That may sound a bit cold or mercenary, but after a ton of painful rejections, I eventually toughened up and realized that it's all part of the game.
Now, a LOT of guys (especially the younger men out there) DO NOT have this mindset when it comes to meeting women. It could be a lack of experience or emotional maturity - or both.
Or yes, they could be your garden variety a$$-hats too. Let's face it, some dudes will never be cool about getting the thumbs-down.
And I realize it's just as difficult (if not more) for women. Being the one to deliver the bad news can be just as painful as receiving it.
Let's face it, there are a lot of guys to turn down.
In any case though, I'll give you a simple five-step exit strategy that will keep everyone's feelings intact. When you do it right, you'll be able to keep the pain and awkwardness down to a minimum.
But before we get into those steps, you'll need to know a few realities of how to reject a guy:
REJECTION REALITY 1: FIRST - He'll get upset no matter what:
When someone likes you, there's NEVER an easy way to say that you're not sexually attracted to him.
We guys try to act like it's no big deal, but believe me, it can be a huge blow to our pride. Our ego is funny like that.
Maybe it's because since we're the ones who usually initiate. We're painfully aware that we're putting our pride and sense of self-worth on the line here.
So like it or not, we guys have a bit of a personal stake into it.
Not that it's your fault though. I'm just saying that his feelings WILL get hurt one way or another - it's inevitable.
REJECTION REALITY 2 - If he doesn't get the red light, he'll keep trying...
Again, maybe it's our pride to blame here. We thrive on a sense of achievement, and failing is a setback for us.
We're thinking, "How could she NOT like me? She hasn't told me to get lost, so that's a good sign ... right?"
There's always that rational part of a guy's brain that says, "Hey, all you gotta do is keep talking to her ... sooner or later she'll see what a fantastic guy you are. Keep going..."
Like in a job interview, a lot of guys believe that he'll win a girl over as long as she checks off those boxes in her personal list of Good Guy Qualities.
Most men don't understand that sexual chemistry is a two-way street, or realize that attraction is not a logical choice that people make.
So, he'll keep making his sales pitch until he gets the "better luck next time" letter from you. (I'll show you how to handle this in a second...)
REJECTION REALITY 3 - Be nice about it...
Just because you're turning him down doesn't mean you need to rub salt in the wound. Being firm and direct is one thing, kicking his ego in the ribs is another.
Don't hesitate to flash him a smile while you're turning him down. If he's well-intentioned, there isn't any reason for you to end things on a mean note.
Think of it this way - smiling is a way of appreciating the fact that he summoned the courage to overcome his fear of talking to a stranger.
If anything, it's like telling him, "Hey, nice try, dude. Keep at it and you'll find the girl who's right for you."
He'll walk away knowing he's not a complete failure.
Best of all, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you were classy enough to redirect his romantic interest elsewhere.
REJECTION REALITY 4 - Admit that it feels good to get hit on...
C'mon, you know it's tremendously validating for men to approach you and flirt with you.
It's human nature. I mean, I'd be flattered as heck if another person found ME so attractive that they'd go through the trouble of starting a conversation.
What's really unpleasant is having to say "NO" to a guy who you're not so crazy about. It's all part of the "dance," though.
The sooner you recognize this, the more prepared you'll be when you have to deliver the unpleasant news.
Just don't pretend to anyone that you "hate it" when guys hit on you. You only hate it when the guy you didn't like hit on you.
Now that you've gone through my little primer on rejection, it's time to learn how to actually reject him nicely:
Turn Him Down Gracefully Tip #1: End It Quickly
The number one trap you should avoid when dealing with the I'm-Not-Into-You-Dude is dragging the whole thing out longer than you should.
I know it's hard to turn down a guy who seems really nice, but remember what I said earlier: He'll get hurt no matter what you do, so it's better to hurt him NOW rather than a few weeks (or months!) down the road when he thinks he's making progress with you - and you've already friend-zoned him.
In fact, it's your RESPONSIBILITY to turn him down as early as possible. Think of it as a basic, unspoken rule of dating - or interacting with people in general.
The faster you send him packing, the sooner he will find the one he's looking for. And you don't want to set the wrong expectations when you've already made up your mind.
It'll just create a breeding ground for misunderstanding and resentment.
He may feel a little pain now, but his future self WILL thank you.
He'll be telling himself, "Oh man, remember the time when that woman turned you down? It sucked, but at least she told you right away. She didn't string you along like the others and thanks to her, you found someone else! Yeah, that was actually kind of cool of her..."
You're a Nice Guy But… Tip #2: Give it to Him Straight
For men, there are no gray areas when it comes to a girl they like.
Sorry to be blunt, but we can't ever be "Just Friends" with someone we want to date ...or sleep with. So don't use that one.
And you know you won't ever make him a harmless, platonic friend at some point. He already sees you in a romantic light, and he won't shake off those feelings - short of hitting his head and getting amnesia.
So you can't be wishy-washy with a guy if you realize he's interested in more than friendship and you don't want to reciprocate those feelings.
Don't mince your words. Like I pointed out, he's a grown-up - he can take it.
State in no uncertain terms that you're giving him the thumbs-down and avoid any half-baked excuses. The only thing worse than getting rejected by a girl is getting the "I'm just not ready for anything serious" speech.
We know you're trying to take the edge off, but it only adds to the sting later.
I'm Just Not That Into You Tip #3: Text Messages are Your Friend
The one benefit of modern dating is the ability to communicate certain messages that would be harder to deliver face-to-face.
Rejecting a guy is one of those cases.
If you've just met him, or just started seeing him, you're not obligated to give him the bad news up close and personal. Send him a clear, cordial text that tells him what's up.
Here are some examples to give you an idea:
- "Hey, I had a blast hanging out with you today, but I don't see us being more than friends. I know you'll find someone who you'll really click with and wish you all the best."
- "Thanks for taking me out, I had a great time. However, I want to be honest and let you know I'm just not feeling that chemistry."
Since there wasn't much of a connection to begin with, you can do it this way to minimize the drama.
Trust me, you DON'T have to be there while he's wrestling with his emotions. And it's better for him, as well.
(If you've been dating a guy seriously for any length of time beyond a few weeks, or you've been sexually intimate, you do owe it to him to do it in person, though.)
Do The Rejection - Tip #4: Use the "Glass Half Full" Approach
As mentioned before, you don't have to make rejection any more painful than it has to be.
While turning him down will inevitably bum him out, you can still make it a POSITIVE experience for the both of you. Hear me out...
The best way to do this is pointing out the things you actually like about him.
For instance, you can say something like:
"Even though we're not really compatible that way, I can see you're a fun guy to be with. When you do meet someone who's a better fit for you, I'm sure she'll have a great time."
It helps to be specific so that he knows you really mean it. Here's another example to give you a clearer picture:
"I'm amazed at how much you know about movies and music. I'm not really into that stuff as much as you are, but when you do meet someone who is, I have no doubt she'll be blown away."
The beauty of this is that you're not sugarcoating anything, and you're validating his worth at the same time.
You're affirming that he's STILL a great guy in spite of a lack of fireworks between you two.
Lose This Guy - Tip #5: If he doesn't take a hint, be blunt...
Ok, I admit that some guys can be dense when it comes to approaching women. But still, it doesn't hurt to be polite.
Most guys persist to avoid facing the reality that they just got turned down.
If he does "Go Jerk" on you, don't worry about his feelings by being "rude" to him.
Always remember that he's a big boy and it's HIS job to handle rejection gracefully. So, if he's going to be a creep or douchebag about it, then you can drop the gloves and be as firm as you need to be.
If he's STILL at it after you've given him the red light, then it's time to be a little more blunt. It's ok to give him a one-liner like, "Sorry, I'm not interested. But thank you for talking to me."
You can also say, "Please stop asking. I'm sure you're a great guy, but no thank you."
Or, even firmer: "Persistence is good, but you need to move on. Thanks."
The more short and to-the-point you are, the less chance there is for him to misinterpret your words.
If you're wishy-washy or unclear, he'll think that's an opening for him to change your mind.
Oh, and by the way - sometimes you might be tempted to call back a guy you'd previously turned down.
Maybe you're feeling a bit low-confidence or just need some connection. NEVER re-contact a guy again unless you're romantically interested in him.
Otherwise, he might interpret this as a signal that you're un-rejecting him, which is a complication you don't need.
Speaking of which, there's ANOTHER kind of signal that men look out for...
Most guys aren't even aware of it, but they're subconsciously on the hunt for that one special woman who'll pass all their "tests."
And most women completely miss the little ways men test them. He's testing you to find out if you might be his Soulmate.
And you need to know the signal he's looking for. It's CRUCIAL when it comes to the man you really want.
After all, you don't want him to pull away just because you didn't overcome his doubts and fears.
I've put together a special video that explains how the Soulmate Signal works. The truth is that it's pretty easy to pass a guy's tests once you know what they are.
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