A lot of women experience mind games men play when they're dating or in a relationship. I definitely do NOT condone game playing, please be clear. But you need to know when someone is manipulating you.
I have a shocking truth for you about the mind games men play - but I'm going to reveal that a bit later...
So you go out and meet a guy, and things seem pretty good between you. He even texts you after to tell you:
"Hey it was great to meet you. Looking forward to seeing you soon!"
That sounds hopeful, right? I mean, he put in the effort to text you, adds some sweetness, and promises a followup.
Buuuuut... it doesn't happen. A week or two after you reply to his text with your own "Great to meet you" - you realize he hasn't texted you back yet. That date has yet to happen.
Now, there are a ton of things that could have happened in that time:
His dog could have died
His mom might have gotten sick
He "got busy at work"
He ran a full marathon in the Swiss Alps...
In fact, you might have heard a few of these excuses from him if you happen to run into him at the grocery or Starbucks.
But you also know, they're not true most of the time.
The reality is that he either lost interest in you, or he met someone else. Neither of which is necessarily your fault. Let me explain:
Guys have something called "Shiny Toy Syndrome." Meaning that whatever prospect is currently on the front of his mind is who he's focused on. (That's usually the woman that has triggered his interest most recently. Now - I'll come back to this Shiny Toy thing in a bit...)
A lot of women misinterpret and think that the woman who has slept with him most recently wins.
Yeah, this can happen - but it's NOT why he didn't call you or text you back. The reason he ghosted you is simply because he didn't have you right there in front of him to remind him why he should be chasing you down. You gotta stay on the top of his mind.
Don't get too attached to words - or even his empty promises. Nothing is real until it HAPPENS.
Don't let yourself get caught up in a fantasy future.
AND - you gotta "Stay shiny" to him or you might lost his interest.
I'll show you how that Mind Game works in just a bit.
Next up -
GAMES MEN PLAY #2: The "Coincidence" Game
This is one that a lot of guys play, and that's because it helps him move forward with you.
You ever have a guy who told you "Wow, we are SO alike!" Where he's pointing out the similarities between you and him at every chance?
Or maybe you two discover a coincidence - like his mom and your mom went to the same school.
You might even think - there's no way that can be a mind game! You can't go back in time and make that stuff happen.
Well, the truth is that we all have things in common. Some people have MORE things in common, and they're easy to see.
What a guy likes to do is find and point out the things in his life that match YOUR life. He wants you to see: "See? We're alike! You should sleep with me!"
For example: You're telling him about how you went skiing last weekend. In response, he will tell you that he "LOVES skiing! Oh my gosh!"
He pounces on it. Because he wants your approval and your interest in him.
And then you find out a few months later in conversation that he actually used to snowboard when he was 17 and lived in Vermont. Yeah, like twenty years ago.
Now, technically, he's not lying. But it's a little bit of a stretch for him to be so enthusiastic about this one little "co-inky-dink" that you both like skiing.
What you have to do is to make sure you call a guy on his malarky (does anyone still say 'malarky' anymore?). Be sure to throw him a little curve ball to put him on the spot.
So, using our skiing example from before, what you have to do is ask him a question about it:
"Oh, yeah, I really enjoy getting up to the mountains as much as I can during the season. What equipment are you using?"
And that's when he'll start to stumble. "Er, well, I haven't ... uh, bought new gear in a while. I like Berman quite a bit."
"Uh, You mean Burton?"
Of course, calling him on it isn't to expose him for his exaggeration. It's simply to "fact check" how he's representing himself.
Trust me, you want to find out earlier rather than later if he's who he presents himself to be.
A little exaggeration is fine.
On the other hand, a LOT of exaggeration is a real big deception.
GAMES MEN PLAY #3: The "Meant To Be" Game
This game is simply a man's method of getting into bed with you. Pure and simple. It's not an evil game, but it is one that you have to watch for if you want to pace your relationship for the best chances of success.
It's not a secret (at least it better not be) that guys are in more of a rush to get you into bed than you are to do the same.
And if that's all you want, then be my guest. Well, er... I mean, be HIS guest and GO for it!
But if you want a relationship to last, you have to take a little time to build the anticipation and desire with him.
I am very clear with my clients that men generally don't walk away from women that they've had a chance to bond with.
If there's a connection, he's not going to walk away. AND he'll want to work on the relationship. He'll put in the "sweat equity" that will make it last.
Which is why you have to see through his attempts to rush you into bed and be willing to (compassionately) hold him off. There's no rush, if you're planning on staying with him for a while. You can make up all that lost time of "whoopee" later on.
So when he starts in with the dreamy love talk about destiny, love, and how you two were meant to be together - as he's leading you to the bedroom - you need to be prepared to hit the brakes.
GAMES MEN PLAY #4: The "Self Esteem" Game
This one is typically only seen with guys who are really well versed in relationship psychology.
What he does is lightly pings your sense of self-esteem by subtly (or not-so-subtly) giving you a slight insult.
For example: You're out doing some shopping for clothes with him. You try on a dress, and you show him how it looks.
"Oh, well, that's really not a good color on you."
But that's how he works his magic. He knows that these "negs" can leave you feeling a little compromised. "Negs" are compliments that leave you feeling very UN-complimented, or even slightly insulted.
This came from a book back a few years ago called The Game. The idea behind the Neg is that it lowers the woman's sense of value and makes her want to earn his approval again.
The unfortunate thing is that there are actually a lot of women that this would work on. (Men, too!) But it's a sly way to manipulate someone.
It's sometimes difficult to spot unless you have a trained ear and know when a guy is playing this game. And to be fair, most men aren't this conscious about this sort of thing. It's far more likely he's just a bit insensitive.
Lowering your self-esteem, or playing with your self-image is a very dangerous place to start a relationship. Don't let his attempts to do this slip by you.
This is also a warning sign of a relationship that can not only turn sour, but even abusive.
If you notice this happen more than once, you have to call him out on it.
"Hey, I realize you're probably joking, but I noticed you used that kind of put down a couple times. This concerns me."
You only need to point out that you noticed it. If he was aware of his actions, he now knows you're on to him. And if he wasn't aware, it will be a wake-up call to clean up his act.
This kind of Self Esteem Game also a good indicator for a bunch of other personality problems he might have. Guys who use this tactic tend to also lean towards narcissistic and sociopathic behavior.
Watch out for this guy! AND his game.
GAMES MEN PLAY #5: The "Flatter" Game
This one is sometimes called the "Buttering Up" game - where he compliments and flatters you to no end. Some guys know how vulnerable women are to flattery and lay it on thick.
even sound poetic in the process:
"You are SO beautiful. I just want to drink you in with my eyes..."
Some guys flatter incessantly just because he really is taken with you. This is a bit of a concern because he could also be feeling inadequate and unworthy of you. And one thing you must avoid is a guy who has low self-worth.
These guys will eventually self-destruct in your relationship, and they'll take you along for most of that ride.
Don't date low-quality men. They will always pull you down to their level of mediocrity.
GAMES MEN PLAY #6: The "Moody Guy" Game
This is an important game to explain, because you might get really caught up in his roller coaster emotional states.
This is a guy that goes from being really positive and upbeat on your first couple dates to being weird and distant. Sometimes he goes back to being carefree and happy again, only to take another turn toward distant.
There are generally two possibilities here:
He's really bipolar and has a "manic/depressive" cycle in his behavior. This is something he should reveal to you if you get closer. And at the very least, he should either have medication or a process for managing his mood cycles to not impact you.
He's just dealing with his own emotional confusion. You see, many women think that all men are running around afraid of their emotions. This really isn't a fair way to view a man's response to an intimate relationship. The fact is that a man NEEDS time away from a relationship in order to feel like a man again.
That's why he seems moody and distant - he's trying to take care of his own needs while not running away completely. It's a difficult balance for a man, and it's not something that many women can relate to.
The best thing you can do is to use my "Connection Code" secrets to help you handle his peculiar way of being vulnerable.
As for the first kind of guy who may actually be bipolar, it's similar to the narcissist/sociopathic type of guy. You can't let his mental issues impact your self-esteem and happiness. This is a dangerous cycle that can leave you traumatized for years after the relationship inevitably ends.
GAMES MEN PLAY #7: The "Pay To Lay" Game
This one is - unfortunately - a real game. But it's one that you've probably been aware of for years.
This is where a guy buys you dinner, drinks, and generally acts like your sugar daddy just so that he can hold that over your head at the end of the night to get some sex.
Or a handy.
Well, you get the picture, right?
The point is that there should NOT be any kind of transactions like this in your relationship. Especially ones that are not even related, such as sexual favors for a nice evening out on the town.
The unfortunate part of this mind game men play is that it just makes women want to pay their own way to avoid this kind of obligation with him. And who could blame her?
But what it also does is that it makes the good guys out there (about 80-90% of the guys out there, by the way) feel like they're not able to be The Man the relationship when she won't let him provide for a her in a traditional way. He wants to be chivalrous.
GAMES MEN PLAY #8: The "Mr. Big" Game
Well, this isn't like he's trying to be Mr. Big from "Sex & The City."
This game is about him trying to impress you. Which kind of makes it a very natural and forgivable game. After all, you're probably trying to impress him just as much.
Still, it can be easy for him to go overboard with this game.
Let's point out some of the smaller "Mr. Big" Games:
Mind Games Men Play - 8.1: The Show Off Game:
Maybe he shows up in a flashy car that you suspect is not really his. Or maybe it IS his, and that makes you concerned that he's trying to impress you with his money.
Either way, guys will regularly show this kind of behavior when he's trying to boost his status in your eyes. Men instinctively know that they want to bring more to the table than just themselves, but they often misunderstand how to impress you in the right ways.
Mind Games Men Play - 8.2: The Big Salary Game:
This is kind of a tangent to the "Show Off Game" where he tries to impress you with his house, income, or status.
Again, it's only natural for a guy to want to impress you.
What you have to watch out for is how stuck in this game he is. If it seems like he lives in this constant state of superficial appearances, you have to be concerned. Eventually the bragging needs to get turned way way down to make room for intimacy.
Mind Games Men Play - 8.3: The "Quick Dick" Game:
This mini mind game is when he is normally a sweet guy with you, but every so often he turns on his inner jerk when you're around his friends. Maybe he puts you down, or ignores you.
Maybe he just acts aloof.
Sometimes this is just him playing tough around his friends. He wants to show them that he's not "whipped." But it can also be a sign of immaturity and insecurity.
You should definitely call it to his attention, and ask questions that might help you pinpoint where this behavior is coming from.
Again never accept ANY forms of abuse in a relationship!
GAMES MEN PLAY #9: The "Are You Still Shiny?" Game
Human beings have a certain trait in common - we all love shiny NEW things.
In fact, the word "NEW" is one of the most effective words in advertising. We all want the thrill of something new coming into our same-y, ho-hum lives.
AND we all love that feeling of a new romance the most.
Think of all the reasons new love is so addictive and cool:
- It's a chance to start again with a new hopeful...
- The thrill of feeling re-validated...
- The excitement of new love...
- The adrenaline rush of lusty new sex...
Just to name a few reasons.
For many men and women the thought of that thrill going away is too much to bear. They need to know their partner is still shiny & new to them in at least a few ways.
We're all scared to death of becoming bored with our partners.
So you will sense this from him from time to time. But it's not just him wondering if you're still shiny to him.
He's actually MORE worried that he isn't as shiny to YOU! That HE has lost his appeal to you.
So what's the big deal about these mind games men play?
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