Are Men Commitment Phobes? 4 Myths That Will Shock you…
By: Carlos Cavallo
I want to share a short list of myths that you might believe about guys that you need to stop believing in.
These are "truths" about men that really aren’t true.
Sometimes we get caught up in repeating "common wisdom" and not really knowing if it matches reality - especially when it comes to romance.
So come along as we dispel 4 myths blocking you from understanding men:
Myth 1: Men always want to be chasing you...
This first one is a double-edged sword. The myth is that men want to do the chasing.
Well, guess what - we DO want to do the chasing.
Don’t believe the Cosmo articles that tell you anything to the contrary on that.
BUT we don’t want to ALWAYS have to do the chasing.
And if we're chasing, we still need a signal that tells us that we are on the right track. In other words, you are more than welcome to ask us out or initiate contact, but at some point, you do have to hand over the reins to the guy to let him take over.
It's a huge relief when a woman makes it easy for the guy to move in or make his move instead of clouding her interest in secrecy. Some mystery is fine, but it has to be done in a way that you basically took a step forward, but then stepped back and let it happen, if it’s going to happen at all.
Because deep inside, you won’t be happy and you won’t be convinced that this guy is really into you until he starts taking action to prove it.
A woman doesn’t believe a man loves her or is in to her unless he’s doing things that say, “I’m into you. I love you. I want to keep this relationship going.”
In reality, to keep you feeling safe in the relationship, he has to be doing that forever - throughout the life of the relationship.
That’s why when a guy backs off too much or he starts pulling away, it’s such a panicky situation for you. I’ll give you a quick tip on how to handle this in a bit, so stay with me.
MYTH #2: We want easy girls...
Another myth of guys that women unfortunately buy into is that men just want “no strings attached” sex.
That’s all we want. We want fast, easy sex.
Again, untrue - and potentially harmful to your budding relationship.
Even the guys that say they just want to "get laid" don’t just want that. In other words, these guys that push so hard for it up front, the reason they’re pushing is that it’s a test in a lot of ways for themselves.
It's a way of finding out what you're made of. Even though these guys don’t realize they’re testing this way.
Deep down inside, yeah, most of these "player" guys feel very hollow. They are kind of empty.
They are kind of sad - not getting what they REALLY desire, which is a lasting connection. They’re dying to make that kind of relationship for themselves.
And the irony is that many can't handle that kind of intimacy, so they become "Serial Monogamists."
There are countless men in romantic comedies that highlight this point. Most of the time, I condemn Hollywood romances on this point, but it’s actually true on some level.
Again, the important thing to remember here is just because a person is into casual sex doesn’t mean that person isn’t also interested in a love relationship.
It’s not mutually exclusive.
It’s very possible for you to want the sexual intimacy, and crave the emotional at the same time. And not realize that you're using one to avoid the other.
MYTH #3: Men can date and marry at any age.
Yeah, another myth is that guys don’t have a biological clock of their own. Well, the truth is that guys actually do.
We have an urgency for having kids before we get a little too far into our 40s.
Men realize that, when we get older, it’s going to be much more difficult for us to have the energy to raise kids, the drive and just the presence and awareness.
Even though we’d be better parents the older we are (to a point), we know that raising a child is not something we want to do too late in our lives.
I’ll use myself as an example: I had my children after I turned 40 and I would not have changed it in any way because I love my kids and I love where we are in this point in our lives together.
Now, the kids are starting to grow up. My boy just turned six, and my girl just turned four, so they’re moving along.
With or without me.
Hey, I’m not an old fart. I’m a very spry fortyish dude.
Though the truth of it is that having children younger, a guy has more energy to handle that constant kid energy.
But you also have less experience. So you’re just inherently not going to be as good of a parent.
It’s a tradeoff - and it’s a tradeoff that guys recognize and understand.
MYTH #4: Men don't want commitment...
This is one of the biggest myths - and it’s the one I want to end with. This is the myth that men are commitment-phobes.
Most women today still believe this myth, probably even you from everything you've seen in men.
But the reason you believe this is because of certain behaviors you see in a guy that make you think, “Hey, wait a minute, if he's not into me and what we have - especially after all I've done for him - he must be afraid of commitment. That's the only rational explanation for his behavior."
And, unfortunately, it's this myth that prevents so many people from having a wonderful relationship - sending women on a kind of crazy panic spiral when a guy starts a temporary retreat that she doesn't expect.
However, It’s NOT really his "commitment phobia" here at all.
For example, there have been studies that men actually want to introduce the woman in their life sooner to their friends and family than women do. Women are much more cautious about taking that huge step forwards.
Guys are actually much interested in bringing you into our lives. We even crave public affection a lot more than most women.
When a guy retreats, it doesn’t usually have anything to do with his commitment. Most often, it has to do with his own recovery.
Retreating for men is a way of self-soothing, and we don't understand that it causes this kind of panic in women.
Obviously, we want to get closer with you sooner rather than later.
But again, there’s this crazy biological thing going on inside men.
You could call this dynamic between men and women the "custodian of the egg syndrome."
In other words, you control the egg. In other words, you’re the one who gets pregnant.
Since this is 9 months of physical devotion, followed by years of child-rearing, you have to be very cautious about getting pregnant. You can’t just get pregnant by any guy.
(And birth control was unreliable up until the late 19th and early 20th century.)
So it’s one of those adaptive traits for guys to fall in love FASTER and grab the woman and takes her off the market before the next guy does.
So he locks her in - quickly.
But society portrays guys as being commitment-phobes because they don't understand what's happening.
If a guy is being a flake, well maybe he just doesn’t want commitment right at that moment.
Or, I hate to say it - with YOU.
Sometimes that’s the part that's difficult to accept. It might be that he’s not a commitment-phobe - your relationship might not be what he's looking for.
And he’s just trying to make the best of the situation and have some fun.
I know it sounds terrible, but sometimes we all get in relationships where it’s a "better than nothing" situation. We know that the other person is probably not the best match for us, so we're still happy with that.
(Oh, c'mon... you've done it once or twice - haven't you?)
We’re still okay with that. Some guys are A-OK with that.
Knowing that the person is probably not a life match, but at least a "right-now" match, and that’s enough for a guy.
And you know what? Some women are happy with that.
The other part of this is that most of the time, his withdrawal is not an indication of his interest level. It's just him needing to go back into his "man cave" (figuratively speaking.)
A man needs to reconnect to his masculinity from time to time, and being around a woman too long can often jeopardize his sense of masculine stability.
So he pulls back to regain his footing. Then, when he's had a chance to stabilize, he'll be back - more eager than ever.
But if the woman panics and does the wrong thing during this time, it can very often send him running for the hills.
Now, there’s a bunch MORE myths I’d love to bust with you and cover in even more detail, but for now, the best thing for you to do is to get my complete tutorials on how men work.
If you’d like to know the real reasons that guys avoid relationships and how to get him to desperately want your love and your commitment in a relationship, it’s easy enough to do when you understand what guys are thinking.
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