The first rule of fight club... I mean, the first rule of breakup club is that you don't panic and don't react from your panic. That's one of the most common mistakes women make after they mess up is that they think they now have to scramble to fix it. In fact, most of the time you don't need to do much at all.
Did you mess up and say the wrong thing?
Just wait it out.
"The more you try to save face, the more insecure you often look..." - Carlos
Think about the people you've known who don't seem to care much about what other people think of them. They make huge blunders, but everyone loves them even more for it.
How do they do it?
They simply don't look like they care one bit. They shrug it off and keep plowing forward.
Learn a thing or two from their approach and just let it go and move on.
TIP 2: Give him the Astronaut Treatment...
The "astronaut" treatment is when you give him SPACE - and plenty of it!
I'm not just trying to be cheeky here. When you give a man space, you're showing trust in him and your relationship. When you bulldoze right back in trying to "fix" everything, you'll usually just make things worse.
Oops! Did it again?
A guy will look at you and decide in seconds whether or not you're needy based on how quickly you backpedal and try to save face. For some guys, they immediately sort you into the bin labeled "side girlfriend." As in, NOT his primary girlfriend.
Men respect women who stick to their guns, or at least don't run around in fear of loss. Give him space to decompress from his own emotional state, and time for him to get back to missing you.
Ultimately, that's the goal for your man - to get him to the point where he misses you when he's not with you.
In the absence of a clear memory of the situation, he'll probably just forgive you and move on - in his own time.
So give him space to relax in.
When he feels that you're going to rush right in to always try and fix things, you're training him to be passive in your relationship.
TIP 3: Titrate...!
One of the things that guys run away from is a huge display of emotion that he wasn't prepared for. You may have had this happen to you, in fact.
Men are very easily FLOODED by emotions.
Want to get your man back...?
Emotional flooding is what happens when the amount of emotional interaction (usually conversation) is more than he can contend with. He feels a giant wave of emotion (usually any emotion that is not joy or happiness) and he either loses his cool, or shuts down completely.
Women experience this emotional flooding too when they feel a whirlpool of emotion suddenly suck them into feelings they weren't prepared for.
The answer to this - for you, anyway - is to titrate your emotional output so that you don't blow him away.
"Titrating" simply means to measure and balance things for the two of you.
Nothing scares men more than huge WAVES of emotion. Use your awareness of the situation to make an accurate judgement about how much emotion you use with him.
Slowly tell him you miss him... don't hit him with it all like a tidal wave or you'll risk him running away.
TIP 4: Don't Jump Into Bed...
You're going to be tempted to jump right into bed with him the first time he makes an advance. Even if you haven't talked about what happened between you.
This is dangerous, and you want to avoid this pattern of jumping into the sack to solve the distance you feel between you.
Get him to come back to you...
There are a lot of reasons for this...
CONFUSION: If you setup a pattern of getting physically intimate before you get back to emotionally intimate, you're going to confuse him - and your relationship! When a guy hasn't had a chance to sort through the emotional component of your relationship, he's going to have unfinished business in his head...
PATTERNS: If you go to physical intimacy first, he's going to learn that pattern from you and assume that it will continue throughout your relationship. Let's be real here, it won't. There will come a day when it will become easier for you to turn him down than turn him up - if you know what I mean...
PASSIVE: Just like I mentioned above, if he gets too used to bypassing the conversations and jumping to the physical part, he'll assume everything is okay between you. He'll also assume that jumping in bed is how you'll resolve issues in the future. And that's likely to make him passive...
TIP 5: Don't be Negative...
You may see a lot of advice out there saying that you should "Be positive!"
Or just "Think happy thoughts!"
Messed up? You can fix it.
Look, I don't think you should delude yourself, either. Thinking positive just because it's supposed to be good - even when you're feeling pretty negative - is going to mess with your head. If you tell yourself one thing when your emotions don't believe it, you're basically getting setup for years of therapy.
Instead, simply avoid the catastrophic thinking that most women indulge in when there is a rift between her and her man. You don't need to go right down Negative Street.
Your inner "mean girl" voice already second guesses you all day long. Don't give her ammunition!
Think You've Messed Things Up? - TIP 6: Go ahead - BE a baby...
It's not often you'll hear this advice from me, but this is one situation where you need to employ some "baby strategies."
One of the first things a baby learns is how to self-soothe. It's a process that is gradual, but necessary in child development. It's the first skill we learn - or don't learn - to help us in life later on.
A baby has to be able to settle itself down after something upsetting happens. Maybe it's a late feeding, or a wet diaper. Either way, the baby has to learn to calm itself down.
You need a plan to win him back...
The same is true for us as adults. That same self-soothing skill we learned (or perhaps didn't learn) as a baby becomes essential when we get upset later on in our relationships.
So you might need to take some time to soothe yourself and calm your emotions down. If you walk around in a highly upset state, your hormonal balance will be off, and you'll find yourself extremely fragile.
Take the time to find your soothing.
Maybe it's a good inspirational book. Maybe it's a hot bath... or getting your nails done...
Find your soothing and use it.
TIP 7: Get back to the playground as soon as you can...
There are a couple things that are likely to happen when you do get back with him after having messed up:
He might be a little mean and punishing. Of course, he's going to be a little mad at you if you did mess up - and he'll want to express it. You might have apologized, but you also have to make room for his emotional expression about what happened...
He might not forgive you right away. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous one. You're going to have to be patient while he tries to get back to loving you...
Feeling guilty might make you defensive. Sure, you're going to be in the doghouse for a bit. And it's easy to think - after just a few hours - "Why aren't things back to normal yet?" Again - PATIENCE! If you get into a cycle of apologizing, but then trying to explain and justify what you did, and then doing it all over again - he's not going to take your apology seriously.
The goal is to get back to the "playground." Get back to the place in your relationship where things were fun and happy and loving. So keep aiming in that direction.
If he gets a little down on you about what happened, you shrug it off and plan something fun for the two of you to help get things back on track.
He's back! Get things on track...
The point is to NOT let things get negative in your relationship. Don't rehash old problems and patterns. Do your best to stay out of the muck of old cycles so that you can get back to the place where your relationship is fresh and fun again.
And the best way to do that is to understand how to CONNECT with him in a way that no other woman can.
Connection with a guy is the most important ingredient to get him to commit to you. Ask any woman what her biggest concern is with her relationship and she'll tell you it's about the quality of her CONNECTION with HIM.
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