One of you says: I'm done, enough, go away...And you really mean it. You're sick of it all. And you're pretty sure you're not in love anymore
One of you says: I'm done, enough, go away - but you don't really mean it. You're just kinda hoping the other person will finally love and respect you again after you draw a line.
Obviously, #1 is not a good situation. If you're in that zone, you're in trouble.
The good news is that if you don't know if you're in that zone, you're probably not! There's a lot of very certain emotions that happen in a real breakup, and you'll know if it's for real and not just your ego talking.
If you get too caught up in the process of getting him back, you'll forget that you ultimately can't control your ex. You may love him, but you can't control him. Control is something your ego loves, but isn't a part of true love.
In the end, you have to realize that he will be:
Free to say no (this one is tough to accept, but you must come to terms with it)
Needing to see a change in you - he needs to see that things will be different
Possibly hurt and heart-scared - he has to feel safe to come back to your arms
Possibly dating someone else. I know, it's the worst-case scenario, but it's real - and you have to be prepared for him starting to move on. (But you can actually overcome it.)
If you still have love in your heart for him and the relationship you had, you have to let go of your NEED to make him take you back. Because it's that desperate feeling of need that will probably scare him off.
If he's going to come back to you and your love, he has to believe HE made the choice - not you!
Rule 2: Don't Freak
If you want to get back with him - You gotta stay cool, no matter what! Desperation is your biggest enemy.
Most women fail to get their ex back not because he fell out of love with her, but because she lost control of her emotions and scared him off. She decides at 2:00 AM in a fit of anger to contact him with a nasty text to clear her mind, and ruins weeks of work.
Men who are out of a relationship are particularly sensitive already to their own emotions. Adding your panic in will only make your ex want to run.
So you have to keep yourself cool, calm, and collected. If this is something that's hard for you, you might also want to seek out a therapist to help steady you.
Or get your girlfriends to form a support network. (I'll talk about this again in detail - keep reading.)
Because when you run into an obstacle, or he stops contacting you, or he pulls away - which is always possible - you need to have your heart grounded. Freaking out on him could seal your fate and destroy the love.
Panic will work against you.
(You definitely don't want to start dating some guy to distract you and have it turn into a rebound relationship...)
Rule 3: Competition can be GOOD for you...
Yeah, you read that right.
You might think the worst possible situation is when you want him back - but you know he's seeing other women. So you're not only working to get him to want you back, but you also have to seem like a more attractive option than these new competitors for his heart.
This isn't nearly as hard to overcome as it sounds.
The New Girl is going to make a ton of mistakes. She probably doesn't know about my advice or tips. So you've got the edge there.
She doesn't know him as well as you do. So you have the information advantage!
You have established history with him. He's probably already reminiscing on all the great times you had together. He'll be missing your love...
You (probably) already have a physical bond with your ex. Men are very drawn to the woman they have an established chemistry with, especially when it comes to the bedroom and their ego.
She might be all "new" to him, but that means he also hasn't run up against all her new "crazy stuff."
So take heart in the fact that you have the "home field" advantage when it comes to really knowing how to get him back into your committed relationship.
Rule 4: Social Media & Texting is Hazardous To Your Health...
There's an urge to use social media and texting to contact him get him back with you because it's easy. And, you don't have to actually BE there and deal with any uncomfortableness when you send messages.
These are true, and that's why you have to avoid using texting and social media right off the bat to contact your ex. Especially to communicate your love and your feelings.
The problem is that it's also too easy for you to contact him with a text and say the wrong thing -
OR (more likely) you'll say something and you'll get a response that makes you THINK you did something wrong. This is about 80% of the text messages that get sent when one or both people are estranged.
It's just way too easy to mess it up or set yourself back after saying something when you were in a fragile mood.
The best way to stay in contact with him is by voice (yes, good-old-fashioned phone calls, remember those?) and by seeing him directly. But that's for later on.
Even better is to avoid contact for at least a week or so after you broke up.
Which leads me to this:
Rule 5: When In Doubt - NO CONTACT...!
When it comes to communication, women will stay in contact just to reassure each other that the friendship still exists.
You've probably experienced this with your own girlfriends. One or both of you starts to get edgy and nervous about the friendship if you haven't been in contact for a few days or so.
So you both text each other (funny enough, you get the same idea at the same time) to meet for a coffee or a quick chat.
But with a guy you really gotta be careful. No contact is better than hitting him with random pings every couple days.
The reason why you want to stay just out of contact is that you want him to feel the space of your absence. You want him feeling a little desperate for a glimpse or word from you. You want him to get stuck in his memories of love for you.
There's no value in constantly reassuring him that you're lurking in the shadows waiting to take him back. Your ego will SCREAM for you to do it, but you will only ruin your chances.
He's probably not going anywhere - and by pinging him all the time, you'll just make sure it doesn't work out.
So now let's talk about -
7 Steps For How To Get Him Back
- and without looking desperate in the process!
There are a few steps to the process of getting this guy back:
Confession is Good For The Soul
Put Your Lariat Away
Get Your Support Team Ready
Keep Your Eyes On The Prize
Make HIM Come A' Knockin'...
Avoid The Easy Mistakes...
WASH, RINSE - Do NOT Repeat...!
But don't let that scare you! These are all really easy - and you will get back with him, if you take them one at a time.
Like the saying goes, you eat an elephant one bite at a time. Not all at once!
Getting Back Your Man - Step 1: Confession is Good For The Soul
Yeah, we gotta talk... you know that you need to admit something...
You both had a hand in how things went down. It wasn't just him. I say this because it's tempting to get on the "I was right and you were wrong" bandwagon.
Trust me - I'm an expert on this: Blame will not work in your favor!
So be sure to validate what he says he felt in your relationship, even if you don't entirely agree.
In HIS eyes, he's right. (The same way you feel.)
He won't contact you again, or start dating you again because you made him even more wrong.
"Ha, checkmate! This is fun, right? Right?"
But it's not ALL your fault...
You should also sit down and make a list of the things you both need to work on together after you get back with him. These are things you need to tell him so that he knows he's making the right decision when he comes back.
You want some suggestions?
Communication - UBER huge...! I'll bet any amount of money that there were plenty of things you both should have been talking about. Now's the time to fix that...
Communication! Yeah, seriously, I know you read that last bullet and just kind of "whatevered" it. You hear it all the time, but no one actually WORKS on their communication. You just keep going from relationship to relationship - hoping that the next person will not force you to change at all, because that's what compatibility seems to mean.
But really, work on your talk therapy.
How To Get Him Back - Step 2: Put Your Lasso Away
If you're not a farmhand, you might not know that a lariat is the lasso used to rope cattle.
That's how a lot of women try to get their man back - they get needy & desperate on him - or even compromise their boundaries and standards.
Sometimes... they beg.
If you look desperate, that will push him away - super fast.
"Get back here, honey! Why won't you let me love you???"
Men are most attracted to women who have their act together, and being needy/desperate is the complete opposite.
So don't work to convince him to get back with you. He has to know that you are fine without him before he'll value you again.
Also, don't be too distant, because that will also feel artificial and weird. You have to balance this.
Just keep your posture and your dignity.
Pull Him Back To You - Step 3: Get Your Support Team Ready
One of the best things you can do is to get your lineup of tried-and-true gal pals ready to do the support work for you. They can really have your back.
You want to have at least one good female friend that you can contact when you have a moment of weakness. If have a thought that you might slip up and call him in a panic. Or text him, or whatever.
During times like these, it's always good to have your squad back you up...
Having a woman who can "talk you down from the ledge" is essential to retaining your sanity when you're doing the work of how to get him back.
Don't worry, she'll do it for you! Especially if she knows you'd do it for her. Kind of like "I'd hold your hair!"
You don't always need a relationship counselor or relationship therapist - only your common sense and an ally!
You have to be disciplined enough not to contact him when you're in a vulnerable place - and you also need to have someone that can help you cool off when you start to lose control - or have desperate thoughts.
Make Him Want You Again - Step 4: Keep Your Eyes On The Prize
A big part of manifesting the relationship you want is keeping the attitude of the woman that deserves to get it.
You need to have a really clear vision of the kind of relationship you want to be in.
I suggest some journaling and some serious thought to this. Mostly because, if you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up anywhere the wind blows you.
EXAMPLE: Let's say you want to spend your vacation in Bermuda.
If you push a boat off into the ocean, and just let the wind and currents take you wherever, what is the likelihood you're going to Bermuda?
"Whoops, looks like I took a wrong turn..."
Yeah, about zero. Or close enough to zero to make it rather silly.
But if you get a chart, and a captain, and a motor and a compass... What do you think your chances are now?
Super good that you'll get to your destination in Bermuda, ma'am.
So why not apply that to your love life?
Why not get a chart and a captain?
I'll tell you why most women don't do that: They're really afraid that it will mean they're cheating.
Not cheating on HIM, but cheating in this game of LOVE. She was cheating because she didn't let Destiny make love happen.
NEWS FLASH: "Destiny" is not what makes lasting, loving relationships. PEOPLE are!
Sometimes destiny puts you together, but YOU are the one to make it work. If you're going to succeed at how to get him back, you gotta be willing to take control of your fate.
Make Him Come Back To You - Step 5: Make HIM Come A' Knockin'...
One of the best ways to make sure that your man comes back to you with the right attitude is to make sure he comes back to contact YOU instead of the other way around.
Yup, you want him to be the one asking you to give it another try...
You want him being the one to restart contact with you - texting you with a bunch of sad face emojis.
There are a few reasons for this:
Reason 1: You'll KNOW he's still feeling the love...
You want him to demonstrate his feelings of love for you, or you'll just always wonder if you just got back together because he had no other options. Because once the pain of being broken up is gone, we forget really quickly that it can happen again.
Reason 2: You'll be in a better position...
If he had to work to win you back, you're going to be in a better position with him. He'll value your relationship and your love more.
It's about making the effort...
Reason 3: He'll be reinvested in your relationship again...
You want him to work to get back in your arms so that he will appreciate what he's got - AND he'll be the one trying harder to keep you. The person doing the work is the one that is investing heart and soul in the relationship. And they won't let it go.
Eventually, you'll start putting your heart back to work on your connection, but you want him there first.
You want him to be the one to reach out to you and initiate...
Make Your Man Come Back - Step 6: Avoid The Easy Mistakes...
There are a few mistakes every woman is going to make when trying to get her ex to come back. And they're easily avoided if you know what to watch out for:
MISTAKE 1: Trying to use pity, guilt, or other emotionally manipulative tactics to get him back
Guys really hate this one. If you're playing with his love he's going to feel like you're just manipulating him to get what YOU want, and he'll feel ripped off.
If you use tears to get him back, he will know it.
I've had women use this on me, and it made me run for the hills. Guys notice these things.
Keep any manipulation you learned from your family in a box and bury it. You not going to get him back this way.
MISTAKE 2: Letting jealousy take over...
Remember what I said about the possibility of him starting to see other women? If he starts dating someone else during the process of healing the rift between you, you're going to be caught off guard. Especially if you create expectations that were not communicated clearly.
Beware the Green Eyed Monster - jealousy - because you'll feel pulled to do things you never would have in your right mind.
And you might even think you're doing it in the name of love.
Which brings us to...
MISTAKE 3: Wild Mood Swings...
Wildly fluctuating mood swings, going from cold to aloof to nasty, all the way to sweet love and compassion - that's going to weird him out. And probably make him feel very unstable in your connection.
You're already uncertain enough where you are, so you don't want to leave him feeling unbalanced.
He'd rather not go through this - trust me...
If you feel those mood swings coming on, you should tap into your friend network and resources to keep you from obviously whipping back and forth between extremes.
You want to look stable and grounded to him, so you can put your best foot forward...
Get Your Ex Back - Step 7: WASH, RINSE - Do NOT Repeat...!
I'd be kidding you if I didn't mention that all this work is for nothing if you don't know how to KEEP HIM once you've won him back. I've seen many women figure out how to get him back, only to make the same dumb mistakes and lose him all over again.
The problem with these mistakes is how easy they are to make if you're not aware of what they are - and just as important: where they are hiding.
There's a very simple trick to keep a guy interested in you and desiring you...
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