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Relationship Tips & Advice
Have you ever been dating a guy who keeps you at arm's length? And you wonder: "Why Does He Keep Seeing Me If He Doesn't Want A Relationship?"
It's a valid question, for sure.
After all, why would he continue to date you if he wasn't interested in making a commitment to you?
Well, as we're going to explore here, there are a lot of reasons he might not want to go further with you.
So let's dig into:
Before we get into the reasons he would do this, I have an important question for you:
Why is a guy who is NOT interested in a relationship more interesting to you than a guy who does?
This one is going to ruffle some feathers out there, but it's an important question. All too often, I find that my coaching clients are more obsessed with guys who are reluctant to get into a relationship.
I call this the "hard-to-get" syndrome. We're almost always more interested in the people that are harder to catch than the ones that are ready for a relationship.
But the real problem comes up when you start becoming intent on winning this guy when you know he's not the right man for you!
This is a very real problem for both men and women, where they put their brains on hold and start pursuing a person ONLY because they're a challenge. Not because they're the right person for them.
I distinctly remember talking to a woman on a phone coaching call who was practically obsessed with making a guy commit to her.
But, as I pointed out on the call:
And that was just scratching the surface!
When I asked her:
"Why do you want this guy? A guy that is clearly not right for you?"
She just sat there in silence, and then proceeded to ignore my question. The next thing she asked me was, "Do you think if I gave him some space he might want me back?"
Facepalm... big time.
That's right! She wasn't even dating him! He had broken up with her a few weeks earlier. He wasn't what she wanted, and she wasn't what HE wanted. And yet she couldn't let go of this past relationship.
Now, this is an extreme example of this, but it's much more common than you might think.
So the important thing is to check yourself first before you get too attached to a relationship that really isn't worth chasing.
Now, let's dig into the reasons why a guy would keep seeing you even if he doesn't want a relationship...
Look, it's no secret that guys are more focused on sex when it comes to the start of a relationship. We try endlessly to jump in bed with you. Or so it seems.
But here's the reality: The faster you sleep with him, the less likely he will fall in love with you. (Oh, there are lots of opinions out there on this, but in your heart of hearts, you know it's true.)
Men are programmed to look for women who challenge us and inspire us to become better men. This has not changed in hundreds of thousands of years, and I hope it doesn't ever change. It's a great system!
In fact, the process of falling in love is a sequential recipe.
This means that the ingredients that make it work come one after the other. If anything is out of order, the recipe for Love will not work!
Which is why sex is never ingredient #1. That's a big mistake. That guarantees he doesn't want a relationship afterwards.
So one of the big reasons men keep seeing you without a relationship is that he's just satisfying that need of his. (Men have a physiological reason for this drive toward getting laid, and I explain it clearly here)
Guys will gladly stay in a relationship that is purely physical, until something - or someone - better comes along. He'll tread water for as long as she lets him get away with it.
Guys sometimes also get caught up in the game of "Well, she won't sleep with me if she thinks I'm not going to be her boyfriend." And a lot of the time, he'd probably be right.
But he's not being dishonest to hurt you, or mislead you. He just doesn't realize that if he were straight up about his intentions, then you could, too. Who knows, maybe you'd only keep him around as a "boy on the side."
There are a lot of expectations involved in love and dating. And let's face it - Americans (a big part of my audience) are sometimes torn by mixed messages about physical intimacy.
He might be playing the role of boyfriend, but not want to go any further right now. And that might be why you feel some resistance from him, too.
The best thing is to be clear with him if you do or don't want to take the relationship into more committed territory. If he doesn't hear from you that you want more, he'll just keep giving you what he has been.
Especially if he's heard no complaints...
Yeah, this is related to the last one, and it really does need to be said - even at the risk of repeating myself.
If a guy doesn't know what you really want - probably because you haven't told him - he's not going to push the relationship forward on his own.
I've found myself dating women in the past that were very unclear about where they wanted our relationship to go. Now, I figure most of them were conditioned to stay quiet in fear of scaring me off.
But the problem was, I wanted a relationship!
And you know what? Most guys DO too!
Guys are only "commitment-phobic" when we don't think THIS woman is the RIGHT woman for us. Then we try to play the "let's keep sleeping together" game while simultaneously trying to not show her that we don't see a future.
And the truth is, most women would agree with our assessment. They also know when they're not Miss Right for us.
But, as I said before, many women stay in a relationship purely because they have put so much time in already. I find that it's much harder for women to walk away from relationships than men.
I've even had a girlfriend tell me - as I was breaking up with her: "Yeah, I know you're not the right one for me, but I just don't want to let go!"
How many times has this happened to you? Ever been caught up in a relationship you knew was definitely NOT "The One" - but you just couldn't let go?
Maybe you couldn't handle the grief of the loss... Maybe you worried that you wouldn't get another chance...
All of those worries are fears that our mind invents for us.
And they cripple us.
Don't sit silent in your relationship hoping that he'll just "catch on" that you want something more secure and committed. It's been said before, but if you don't tell someone what you want, you can't blame them for not giving it to you.
Men don't function in a relationship the way women do. We don't have the same assumptions as women about "where this is going" or "what this is."
For a guy, whatever is happening RIGHT NOW is typically all we're looking for at the moment.
Men will put a relationship low on their list of priorities while they have life issues to deal with.
What kind of life issues?
I could list a bunch more, but there's a bigger thing you need to know:
And guess what?
Neither one is wrong.
For guys, we do focus and accomplish more when we're using our single-minded, sequential approach to life to our problems. (Just beware of guys that are stuck in their problems and won't get help out of them.)
For women, they do get the emotional support they need by calling in their resources to help them handle problems. (Just beware the women that don't turn that support into ACTION.)
There are some guys that need to "play the field," "sow their wild oats," etc, etc.
There are guys who are just looking to rack up an impressive list of lays.
I'm not going to kid you that this doesn't happen. It just happens a LOT less than you might think.
They are not doing this to hurt women. That's rarely (if ever) the motivation a man has. What he does want to feel is that he's MANLY.
Men have been robbed of many of the ways we used to feel like men.
TRIGGER ALERT: Heck, my own son was in the Boy Scouts, which now include girls.
Forgive me, but I thought there already was such a thing as "Girl scouts"...? Why can't boys have their own private group to be themselves in?
It's important for both girls and boys to have their separate space to experience things before the world smushes us together in lots of confusing ways.
Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.
My point is that boys are getting fewer and fewer ways to really feel comfortable in their gender. And if he doesn't get enough when he's a boy, he won't grow up into a MAN. Which leads to him wanting to validate himself in ways that aren't healthy for either him or her.
Not every man is interested in having a relationship.
And truthfully, not every woman is either!
Not wanting a relationship is not a bad thing.
But not wanting a relationship and SAYING YOU THAT YOU DO is something completely different. So if he's said it before, you should respect it.
Okay, you might want to sit down for this next thing I'm going to tell you...
The fact is that you might not be ready for him.
Just because someone wants a relationship, that doesn't mean they're ready for it.
I can tell you that I wanted deep, committed relationships since I was a teenager. It wasn't because I was ready for one. It was just what I needed to soothe my insecurity and fear issues that came up.
Lucky me those early relationship experiences got me much more ready to be in one when the time came. But I still had to fix all other stuff in my head...
This is a common thing that many people do. They use relationships, substances, and other methods to give them a sense of calm - or a relief from anxiety. But underneath, the problems are still there waiting to come out and sabotage the connection.
Guys know when a woman is into the relationship, but is too busy taking care of herself. Mostly because we men need nurturing.
And if you're unavailable to nurture us because you have to constantly nurture yourself, we know it.
So make sure you're REALLY ready before you advertise to a guy that you're ready. Because he will eventually pick up on your energy and know if you're not.
He might even keep seeing you, but he won't go further until he knows you're really open to him.
The flow of a relationship is that a relationship should move forward at a natural pace.
All of these are steps in the process of forging a really solid relationship. Even if you skip a few of the steps, you'll still come back around to them later.
And you can sometimes accelerate the pace of the steps as well. You can go faster...
But you still need time for that love hormone cocktail to really get its hooks in you. It's this time spent that really cements our addiction to someone into every cell of our body.
And at some point, a guy will naturally bond with you to forge a commitment.
But here's the part that some women miss: If a guy knows he doesn't have to make a commitment to you to keep you as his girlfriend (or to keep the sexy times a-happenin') - he won't.
Men realize that a commitment to a woman is a big deal. Especially for him.
The woman that a man commits to could make or break his future, and his happiness. Men understand this on a deep level. So he's going to be VERY cautious about giving that away.
Let me explain it like this:
For WOMEN, her sexuality is her prize to be awarded to the man that proves himself...
For MEN, his commitment is the reward he gives to the woman who proves herself.
This is a key distinction between men and women. You might have known about the first part, but I'll bet the second one probably was new to you.
If he can keep getting the sex without having to make a commitment, he's just fine with that. Because that buys him time to figure out if you're The One for him.
But you know you won't be fine without that commitment. You need more.
This is why so many women who SAY they're okay with "friends with benefits" change their mind later on. And you should!
Plain and simple.
And that's not hard to do if you know how men think - and what to say to get him to connect with you!
If you'd like to learn more about this, go discover how to connect with him here...