QUESTION FROM A READER:
Hi Carlos, I was with my boyfriend for two and a half years, and we were engaged for 6 months in that time. I broke up with him twice over stupid things- over- reaction on my part ):
Anyway, he now has a girlfriend and I have been trying to get our relationship back. We talk and see each other and we are even dating (which he told his girlfriend that he was going to date other people).
He did work at my house for 2 weeks and we had a blast and yes sex ( I did stop the sex but then gave in once last week.) We have an intense connection- sexual as well as personal).
He said he doesn't trust me and is afraid that - if he breaks up with her and we get back together - I will break his heart again and I hurt him so much- he doesn't want to go through that again.
He took the new girl on a water skiing trip from thurs til tomorrow. We had intense love making on wednesday before he left (He says their sex is ok- he hasn't found anyone as good as me- and he has to get drunk and use liquid natural "viagra" with her.)
Anyway, I told him I won't call him anymore- I will wait for him to call me.
He gets home tomorrow and we haven't talked since thurs. What do I do? How do I proceed? How do I make him trust me again?
Thanks sooo much for any help!!!! I love your "Forever Yours" series!!! It is EXCELLENT.
I will recommend to my friends...
CARLOS CAVALLO ANSWERS:
Sheila, when I saw this, I knew I had to move this to the top of my mailbag...
Because I can tell by what you're saying that you GET IT. (And not just because you recognize the value of what I'm teaching you in Forever Yours...)
You obviously aren't playing the hurt, desperate-to-have him card.
Now, I will have to call you out on the breaking up with him twice thing. Without knowing why or the details, that will put a bit of a blemish on this...
BUT - you recognized your error, so that tells me you can make some changes going forward.
AND - I have to tell you that this also gives you a uniquely advantageous position.
You already demonstrated - by breaking it off - that you A) value yourself, B) have boundaries that you will uphold, and C) can live without him.
And if he proposed before, that means he WANTS you. You've already got established history, attraction, and connection. The recipe is almost complete!
No matter what he says, he's ripe to win back.
But I want to be clear that if I give you a little advice here, you better not trash that poor boy's heart again! That would be SO uncool.
Okay, let's go...
1) Hats off to you for being able to handle the New Girl in the picture.
Don't let him see you jealous or that she bothers you in the slightest. If you lose self-control and freak, you could push him into her arms. (Yeah, even if the sex is lame. :)
She will be OUT of the picture the second he gives in to his desire to be with you.
Men have a natural need to win back a love they lost that was not their fault. (Women go through this, too.) It's a way of redeeming our self-esteem and self-value. (Review the section in your program on Romance Restart for more details.)
2) A little dose of reality here: His current girl is a BTN (Better Than Nothing.) But he also probably colors that picture for your sake (about the quality of the sex) to make you feel better.
What you should find out, without prying or being insecure, is if she knows about you. If so, all the better. The other girl will surely make mistakes that you won't.
3) You ask: "How do I proceed? How do I make him trust me again?"
First, do not break his trust!
As Elton John would also say, "Don't go breakin' his heart..."
Next, do as you say. You said you weren't going to call him, so DON'T. No matter HOW tempting it will be.
Even if he doesn't call you for 2 weeks...
Can you take it?
That's the resolve you need to have along the way. Because he may pull back a bit just to test his own feelings about you.
You need to keep up the same posture.
Be consistent, and earn back that trust by keeping up your good behavior. And hopefully it's not just an act, right?
Because in the end, you can't hide the real you. You can only BE the best you for him.
And he will restore a good portion of the trust for you HIMSELF. We overcome our trust issues all on our own, most of the time.
(Trust is not only how trustable you are, but how badly he wants to trust you to justify coming back to you. Never underestimate the power of that need.)
Don't slip into "acts of desperation" - he's already close to where you need him.
Just stay consistent and scarce enough that he regains his desire for what you had before.
Using what you've learned from Forever Yours, you're already 90% of the way there...
And if you're reading this right now, and you want to know the secrets of how to open his heart and get him to adore you...
Then you should watch this short video right now - and discover the three questions you need to know to win him completely - and FOREVER.
Yours in Perfect Passion...
- Carlos Cavallo