And I want you to notice that I said five SIMPLE steps - not EASY steps.
I'm not going to kid you - anytime a relationship is in jeopardy, it's going to require you to stretch and grow as a person. Because relationships are themselves the best kind of self-growth.
But - if you know what you're doing, and you've got your trusty Carlos C. here to guide you - you'll never make a wrong step.
Just follow my road map back into his heart...
Let's get your romance back on with -
Step 1: Get Your Truth Serum Ready!
I'm guessing that if you've read any relationship book, you probably know by now that communication is THE most important part of any relationship. It's probably the most cliché bit of advice I can give you.
But let me tell you WHICH communication you should focus on...
Honesty is highly undervalued these days. We don't seem to expect ANYONE to be honest anymore. I could blame Richard Nixon for destroying our trust, but I'll just tell you right now that we need a major infusion of honesty in our world - STAT!
When it comes to relationships, you have to be willing to both TELL the truth, as well as SEEK the truth.
Hey, I'll be the first to admit - it's not easy.
In a world that rarely gives us any loving strokes, asking someone to tell you the uncomfortable reality is a hard thing to do. It would be so much nicer to just float in a pool full of cheap flattery and call it a day.
But the truth is that the longer you swim around in lies and fake feel-good nonsense, the harder it is to come back from the Dark Side.
I think it's because of how we (incorrectly) expect relationships to fix all our personal issues.
Get into a relationship! That'll fix it!
That mistake took me years to figure out.
What I eventually discovered is that our rabid hunger for a relationship is usually the biggest sign that you've got some inner holes that need filling. If you need a relationship with another person that much - if the loneliness is THAT strong - it's probably more about YOU and what you're missing right now.
(News flash: You'll still be missing it in the relationship, which is why this tactic never works!)
But no matter how much I say this, just about everyone on the planet will still figure that it's the job of their partner to act in a way that doesn't activate all their insecurities and inner weirdness.
In other words, we still keep blaming THEM.
For now, just keep in mind that honesty really is the best policy in a relationship. Those first few lies you tell might feel like you're steadying the ship, but eventually the storm of truth will sink your relationship like a tsunami...
Now, before I pull out another clever metaphor like that nautical one, let's move on to:
Step 2: Drop The Dice!
If there's one thing that will kill a relationship just as fast as dishonesty, it's playing games.
No, I don't mean Uno, or Monopoly.
I'm talking about the subtle manipulation we use in relationships to get what we want - to manipulate the power balance.
After all, game playing is just another form of dishonesty and lies.
The lie is this:
"If I don't think I can get my needs met by asking for them, I will probably start being tricky and manipulative to get them met."
And that's how it starts.
There are many men and women that only feel that they can get their needs met in a relationship by using clever games to get them. Sometimes we discover that we just don't know HOW to ask for them.
Games can be fun, but you have to play the RIGHT ones...
The first resolution is really big, though. You gotta make a commitment to drop - or at least radically reduce - the amount of game playing in your relationship. That's what I'm talking about with "drop the dice."
What constitutes game playing?
Here's a short list:
Control games - where you try to control the relationship so that there are no unknowns and you can feel more "certain"
Sympathy games - where we act like a self-pitying fool to get some attention and love...
Guilt tripping games - Ah the classic! Where you make someone feel EXTRA guilty for something 'bad' they did - so you can feel superior, and they are now your minion!
You get my point, right? There are literally dozens and dozens of these involved psychological games that we play every day. I even created a whole program on Social Games years ago to warn people about all the ways we get manipulated - even by strangers!
The point is that the games must stop if the love is to flow...
Step 3: Get Nasty!
This might sound a little weird to you, but one of the best ways to stop the buildup of toxic crap in your relationship is to "boink" it out.
Yeah, do The Nasty. As much as you can!
The problem with sexual intimacy - especially here in America where there's a weird kind of relationship to our natural desires - is that it comes with too much baggage.
Really - lose the weirdness and get nasty more often!
As it turns out, it will make your relationship STRONGER.
Guys are more happy and in-touch with you the more you get it on... (not just wham-bam-thank-you-ma'ams either...)
YOU will feel better...
You will want it more...
Now, Number 3 is going to make you a little nervous when I explain the reason - mostly because it isn't a politically correct Truth. But it's true anyway.
TRUTH: When you start doing it - especially when you might not initially FEEL like doing it - you're going to find yourself getting in the mood to DO IT after a while.
As the old saying goes... Just DO it!
In other words, if you wait until you "feel like it" you might be missing out on 3/4 of the fun times.
Let's be real, sex isn't always going to be a romantic comedy movie for you where you succumb to his charms.
Sometimes you get in the mood for sexual intimacy just by getting started.
If that just felt dangerously weird to hear, don't worry. Most people won't feel warm and fuzzy about it. But it's a scientific fact. Whereas men are in the mood all the time, women don't typically get that much in the mood until the party gets started.
(I'm already preparing for the feminist hate mail on that one...)
YES - it can happen both ways, but that's part of a woman's strength is that she can CHOOSE her arousal. (See the findings in Why Women Have Sex - by Cindy Meston. It will - or won't - shock you...
Step 4: Reinforce YOU!
You gotta have strong boundaries, girl. No two ways about it.
Boundaries are where a man feels that his will can't - and won't - overrun yours. And boundaries are absolutely essential if you're going to have a chance at a long term relationship.
Simply put, if you don't have places to stop a guy from running amok - he will run amok!
It's what guys do! We're built for it.
(Hey, girls do it to guys, too.)
But seriously - you do need to make sure a man knows where he can't cross your lines. Complete with your "consequences" for when he does.
Human beings do not respect people who let other people:
Walk all over them
Withhold the truth
I think we understand this, but we lower our boundaries when we're worried about losing someone.
So if that's a worry for you, then you need to read the next Step:
Step 5: GET Him...!
If I were to estimate how many women I've met that really understand what a man wants in a woman, I'd say only about 1 in 20 has a clue.
I'm not exaggerating here. And the same goes the other way - most guys are just as CLUELESS about what a woman is looking for.
AND - just how much we both want different flavors of the same candy.
So when it comes to the #1 Step - and the #1 Skill that will give you success in your relationship, it's really simple...
You have to really GET him.
By GET HIM I mean, understand him like no other woman can.
This is the ninja trick that you will never hear in one of those trashy Cosmo articles. It's so powerful that it will make the difference between you getting married to him versus him dating you but not making you much of a priority...
Are men complicated?
No, we're actually very simple.
But a guy's emotional and relationship needs are often confusing to a woman.
So what do you need to know about men to understand them?
Knowledge and skill...
First, he's going to try to get you into bed as soon as possible.
This probably isn't news to you... or at least it shouldn't be. Your mom and girlfriends should have brought you up to speed on this when you first started wearing a training bra. But if they didn't tell you the rest, I'm going to reveal how men think.
And the women that learn how men think (through my programs) are the ones that GET men.
They GET men by understanding us...
AND then they GET men by getting more men to fall in love with them!
You ever meet one of THOSE women?
The women that guys chase down the street to compliment? Even though she's not all that "hot"?
Or those women that are annoyed by all the guys that are calling them up and trying to get a date... (Yeah, I don't feel sorry for those women, either.)
There was a woman who was the perfect example of the woman that every man adored and desired.
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