Over the long hard Road of Romance, there's a good chance you've probably found a guy that wasn't ready to show you how much he wanted to be with you. You know you have to open his heart to you, and all you want to know is how to win a guy over.
And you'd be right to ask. There's a secret to winning his heart, and it's important to know as many ways as possible to get him to open his heart to you.
If you're going to win him over, you've got to know how to reach him, and his love.
First, let's start with a few of the mistakes women make when they try to win a guy over:
MISTAKE #1: Being too aloof and too distant
I don't see this one as much as I used to. But it's still there.
Some women think that being really cold and bitchy will attract a guy. There are even books that perpetuate this myth.
"Guys desire women who are easy to be around."
The truth is that only a guy who is lacking in self-esteem will latch onto a woman who is stronger willed than him. (You can have all the will you care to. Just notice when your will becomes HIS.)
A man needs you to be warm and nurturing. Don't walk all over him.
And the same goes for you: Don't let him walk all over you like a rug.
MISTAKE #2: Faking your way into his heart
Some women pretended to be interested in his hobbies and pastimes to win him. This is obviously a bad idea.
Mostly because guys can see right through it. A man might get snowed over once in awhile, but he will be able to figure it out if you're just pretending to share his interests.
It doesn't hurt to go along and participate to see if you might be interested.
But if you know you're not, don't say that you are. When he figures out the truth, it will feel like a betrayal.
And he will very likely lose interest because of it.
MISTAKE #3: Giving him the override button
A lot of women go too far by giving guys the power to:
Break her plans to be with him
Or she ignores her girlfriends to spend time with him
And so on...
Sure, you don't want to lose an opportunity to see him. But that doesn't mean you should drop everything you're doing and change plans for him.
In fact, it's very likely that when you tell him NO that it will challenge him even more.
Here's something that most women don't know about guys:
If he really likes you, he's never going to be discouraged because your schedules conflicted.
It actually works the opposite. He will be more interested because you will appear like you have a life. A life he might want to work his way into.
Don't steal that motivation from him by being too easy!
MISTAKE #4: Compromising your integrity for him
One of the simplest ways that women do this is when they allow a guy to be 20, 40, 60 minutes late for a date. They stay silent, for fear of disapproval.
And that is training him to not value you.
When a guy isn't on time, you give him a gentle text message asking him where he is. If he won't be there within 20 to 30 minutes, you call the date off.
The first reason is you're demonstrating your own value. That you have boundaries and limits. And you command respect.
The second reason is because you have to have self respect first. And you've got to train him to be on time. He must value your time as much as you do.
If you set the stage by letting him mistreat you right off the bat like this, you will get the relationship that you trained him to give you.
MISTAKE #5: Give into him in any way to get him to like you
Letting him have his way all the time is the ultimate way that you compromise your integrity with a man. And you'll destroy any respect he might have for you.
In the same way that you don't let him abuse your time, you never go along with his bullying just because you think he'll stop liking you if you don’t. (*He’ll actually stop liking you if you do give in.)
And if he's using this kind of childish tactic on you, you should probably question whether or not he's a good candidate for your love. You shouldn't be dating little boys who haven't grown up past manipulation like this.
You're looking for a real man who will love you for the rest of your life. AND respect you!
If you want that love, stand your ground.
Okay, now that we've gotten a few of the mistakes out of the way, let's cover the ways you can win him over to your love.
WAY #1: Get his attention!
Probably the most single important thing you have to do is to make sure he sees you, and you've got his attention.
I think most women understand this at a very basic level. After all, you use makeup, choose certain clothes, do your hair, all to impress not just your female friends but the men in your life.
You've got to have a man's attention if you want to win his heart.
On a certain level, you know this. It's one of those things that's in your DNA.
Most of a woman's romantic skill-set is simply getting a man to notice her.
However, you don't want to have to keep working to get his attention. It should be automatic after a while.
And after you have his attention, he should be working to get your attention. This is a natural swing shift in the energy of dating. If you don't see it happening like this, that means you have probably fumbled the ball when it comes to getting him to desire you.
His desire is your ultimate goal. If he doesn't want you with all his heart, you know the relationship probably won't last. You'll never win him over if he doesn't desire you with all his love.
Not many people are familiar with the love dance. It's a necessary rhythm of interacting with someone you want to fall in love with you.
The love dance is very simple - it only has 2 movements:
2 steps forward & one step back
This is the Rhythm that works the best for women in Romance. It almost never fails if you use it effectively.
Two steps forward = moving towards him and deepening the relationship
One step back = pulling back and letting him take the lead towards you - let him chase YOU!
In reality, you should probably start out with one step forward two steps back when it comes to the start of a dating relationship.
An excellent example of how to keep up this kind of rhythm with a guy comes from the show “Downton Abbey.”
In the show, the character Lady Mary is the focal point of almost all the romance in the show. She's a classical example of the cold, aloof woman in relationships. And you can see the effect it has on all of her suitors.
I'm not saying you should adopt all of her strategies, but you would do well to study how she takes this dance of romance seriously.
She knows how to stay far enough back to entice men to pursue her...
She never acts needy...
Even when she's doubtful about the man's feelings, she keeps in control. She doesn't start chasing him...
If there's anything you can adopt and use regularly it's this one simple strategy.
Two steps forward, one step back.
Don't fall into a rhythm of constantly moving forward towards him. That's how you spook him - and that's how you lose him.
That's why he disappears.
WAY #3: Hit The Brakes
Look, the truth is, you gotta slow down...
If there's one thing I see in almost every one of my coaching clients is a tendency to hurry into a relationship. It's as if they find one good guy, or one reasonably acceptable one, and they go all in.
They push all their chips to the middle of the table and go for broke. Even if this guy isn't the best candidate.
Look back on your pattern in relationships.
Do you frequently move forward fast towards commitment?
Have you had relationships where you may have committed to him before he committed himself?
You really can't go wrong by going slow in your relationships. Men are more excited about relationships where they have to work for your attention than if you're just speeding down the road towards “getting serious.”
Most of the rushing in relationships comes from a Deep Inner Fear that you're going to lose him. And that fear is only justified by anxieties and feelings of insecurity inside. They are almost never true in the real world.
You don't even have to reduce the frequency of times you see him per week. Simply reduce the amount of time in each of those dates and you will leave him wanting more.
Which is really the essence of a long-term relationship.
WAY #4: Talk To His Heart
Again, most women communicate with men in fairly ineffective ways. Which means she's probably trying to communicate her needs more than she's trying to hear about his needs.
Perhaps the most important way to reach a man and to win his heart is to know how to talk to him so that his heart hears you.
A man's heart is tuned into a very subtle frequency.
A man's heart is listening for these things:
How much you understand him
How much you really want to connect with him
Are you actually just fishing for commitment?
Are you trying to change him?
How much do you really accept him in this moment?
In fact, there are dozens of things he's watching for. Most women don't have any idea that men are actually thinking critically about their relationship. But he is.
Knowing how to reach his heart is not difficult. But you have to be focused on learning his language of love.
Once you know what to say to him, he will open his heart to you and give you everything he's got.
WAY #5: Find Your Confidence
Confidence is highly overrated.
And confidence is highly underrated at the same time.
What I mean is this: people talk about confidence but they don't really know what confidence actually is.
A lot of people think that confidence means you have no fear and you just jump into things like a movie action hero. But this is completely false.
The truth about confidence is that confidence is nothing more than feeling fear - and moving forward anyway.
That's it. That's as complicated as it gets!
And, the more that you act, the less you fear. That's the beauty of this whole thing.
But those people who hold out and wait to take action until they feel no fear rarely ever win. They're just stuck in paralysis.
So when I tell you to find your confidence what I really mean is to find the ability within you to keep moving forward.
Don't sit around waiting for things to happen to you. Make things happen for you.
Men admire this quality in women. In fact, we find it irresistible.
If you've ever heard the advice to be confident around him, now you know what it means.
You can be shaking on the inside, but you can still be holding your own on the outside.
When I first decided to start advising people on dating and relationships, I wasn't sure I knew anything more than the “experts.” and, as it turns out, I knew a whole lot more than they did.
The science nerds found out that attraction is simply psychology. There are tricks and tactics to make anyone desire you.
If I'd waited until I was perfectly confident, I would never have acted I would never have wound up here sharing these winning strategies with you.
Confidence is action. That's all he needs to see.
WAY #6: Surprise him
It's been scientifically shown that surprise and the unexpected have very significant effects on thoughts and brain chemistry.
This is one of the reasons that being unpredictable can work in your favor.
One of the best things you can do to win him over is to defy his expectations. Instead of falling into a routine with him, the best thing you can do is to keep things interesting.
It's always tempting to create a familiar feel in your relationship. And you should have a kind of ”Home Base” for your intimacy.
However, don't ignore the power of breaking that routine and shaking things up every so often.
Injecting this kind of unpredictability will surprise him and engage parts of his brain that are involved with long-term desire.
WAY #7: Show off your uniqueness
When I was dating actively some years back, I noticed that women consistently tried to not take risks. Almost every woman I dated was trying to not fail instead of trying to succeed.
And there's a huge difference between those two.
When you're dating and you're just trying to avoid making mistakes, you'll do okay but you won't wow him.
What you have to do is switch from avoiding mistakes to letting out something of your special nature. You got to show him how unique you are. Let him know that you are a fully fleshed-out three-dimensional woman.
Let him see some of the quirks of you. Not the crazy, just the quirks.
Maybe you like to watch old Star Trek reruns. Or you have a weird hobby like racing radio control cars.
Whatever that thing is, don't be afraid to let him know about it.
Guys are not scared off by a girl with a geeky Hobby, or something different about her. Guys are scared away when a woman doesn't really show off anything unique about her.
Taking no risks can be just as boring for a guy.
WAY #8: Get Rid Of The Obstacle
If you're wondering about how to win him over, there's a chance he thinks there's something in between you two. Maybe there's an obstacle or something blocking him from falling for you.
If you don’t address it and get rid of this blockage, you might not win him over - no matter how hard you try.
Be sure to find out if there's anything he thinks is stopping you two from getting together. This is very important because sometimes he's made a mistake about you.
Maybe he thinks you are still dating someone that you're not...
Maybe he doesn't think he stands a chance...
Maybe he thinks he's not making enough money to date you…
Whatever the obstacle is, it could be a huge misunderstanding. And it's vitally important that you figure out what it is.
WAY #9: Don't listen to your single girlfriends
I know this one should be obvious, but I still have to say it. The reason I got into this business is that I'm a man.
I have a male brain. I've dated women for many years and seen it all from the other side! I can tell you exactly how men think, and what we want.
Some women think they know this, but they really don't.
And chances are you're friends with a lot of women like this. Women who are single and have no success with men - but boy do they have an opinion and a ton of "advice."
As my old sales mentor used to say, “If I want advice on stocks, I won't ask a bankrupt stockbroker. I go find a guy who's got a ton of money, and I ask him.”
The same thing goes for relationships. Don't ask single girlfriends who aren't successful with men about men.
WAY #10: Control Your Emotions
I don't want this to sound like I'm complaining about “ women's emotionality.” I'm not.
A woman's emotional life is vibrant and colorful, and I wouldn't want to change that for the world.
However, in recent years people have been teaching a philosophy that you should pay attention to your Urgent emotions.
This is a recipe for failure that will eventually destroy what little happiness you may find. That may sound drastic, but unfortunately it is true.
Our emotions are simply signals. Indicators of where we need to pay attention.
And if you're prone to anxiety, you absolutely must take care of that. Whether that's going to see a therapist or some other measure.
WAY #11: Listen to him in the right ratio
There's an old saying that goes like this: “You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.”
I used to think that was just an annoying phrase, until I realized how essentially true it is.
You've got to listen much more than you talk.
However you've been handling your relationships before, if you listen to a man at least as much as you're talking to him, you will do much better.
Yes, unfortunately I see all too often how women tend to talk at men instead of really listening to what he saying.
And she's not just listening to the words, she's understanding what he's really saying underneath his words.
She knows what he MEANS. She's gets his signals and knows what they're saying!
Which requires you to know how to read his signals!
It's THE most critical skill to win a man over. Because if you don't know what he's trying to tell you, it's as if he's speaking a completely different language!
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