There comes a point in almost every relationship where you might find yourself wondering - Is he hiding his feelings or not interested in me?
You might wonder if he's sending you mixed signals - and if he's really in love with you at all. There's a lot of confusion about this that I will help settle for you here in this article.
And in order to know if he's hiding his feelings for you or not, there's something you should know about guys:
Do You Understand The Dilemma Of MEN...?
The reality for most women is that they just don't understand men. Not because we guys are particularly complicated. It's because we simply don't show our feelings and emotions as obviously.
"What's his problem?"
Here are a few facts about men and their emotions:
- FACT: Men have powerful emotions and feel them as deeply as women do...
- FACT: Men don't express these emotions as often or obviously as women do...
It's very fashionable to talk about men as if we're inadequate or emotionally stunted when compared to women. After all, the female emotional process is held up as the gold standard of healthy emotional functioning.
But there are many other things about men you might not know...
- Men tend to focus less on their emotional state for "meaning" in their experience...
- Even though men experience emotion deeply, most guys don't experience as many blends of emotions at the same time...
- Just because he doesn't express his feelings the way women do, this does not mean that this is wrong - or that he's emotionally handicapped in some way...
Now that last one is pretty important, and I hope you'll remember it.
We all tend to evaluate other people and situations using OUR OWN experiences.
For example, if I read books every day for several hours, I'm more likely to think the whole world is illiterate - because many people don't read more than a book per year after graduating from school.
You can see where an opinion might be formed there.
Or for another example: IF I enjoy social situations where I can help people out... I might think that anyone who doesn't do this is "emotionally shut down."
You get the picture...
We always evaluate others by our own standards.
So we need to be cautious that we're not judging unfairly, too.
Most women (not all) have an advantage over men in the relationship area because of this. Which is why I teach women to manage men better - so you can get the relationship you want - AND he can get the benefit of your ability!
So the dilemma of men is that we're always going to look "emotionally unavailable" compared to women - who are much more emotionally focused.
And here's another tip to remember:
Most Men Are Afraid Of Women's Strong Emotions...
Guys are deeply intimate with the emotion of anger, this much we know. But other emotions and shades of them are outside our experience.
And since most men need women's acceptance, any of her other strong emotions are hard for him to understand. Add on the fact that he has no skills to deal with them and you have a recipe for PANIC.
So when guys check out or pull away from you during a heated emotional exchange, now you'll know why.
Now let's get into how to know if he's hiding his love -
Is He Hiding His Feelings - Or Is He Not Interested?
CLUE #1: He Gets Jelly...
And by "jelly" I mean JEALOUS.
You'll see it in the simple moment when you mention another guy, or an ex-boyfriend, and his expression and his eyes change. You might not know what happened there, but you know SOMETHING just changed between you.
That's usually when he's trying to cover up the one emotion he knows will probably kill your interest in him - JEALOUSY. It's kind of cute in a way.
Any feelings of jealousy a guy has about you are signs of interest most of the time.
If, however, he never does anything when he has the opportunity to act on it, there could be some issues with him. (I'll explain more about this in a bit...)
CLUE #2: He Takes The Initiative...
For him to be the kind of man that you desire, you have to have a man that will take action and go after what he wants. And this includes going after YOU!
Let me share one of my little "rules" with you -
CARLOS' RULE: If he doesn't take action on his interest in you, then he isn't worth your time.
This is not going to be a popular rule for anyone, but it's essential that you understand how important this is for you.
If a guy doesn't ACT on his desire for you, he might as well not be interested at all.
- If he's interested in you, he needs to show you. Otherwise, you'll always have this nagging doubt of whether or not you've really GOT him or not. You'll constantly be anxious about his devotion and commitment level...
- If he's interested in you but will not take action, you'll have that kind of behavior crippling your relationship into the future. All the way until you (eventually) divorce him...
- If he won't act, you'll carry that burden of initiative. And you'll start to resent him for it. He'll seem like half a man...
- His inaction will kill any sexual attraction, making it 10 times more likely you'll want to cheat on him. (And you probably WILL...)
I know these sound like dire consequences, and they are. This isn't pretty.
That's why I want you to really understand how important it is to find a man who is not emotionally crippled like this.
He might have trouble communicating some emotional things, sure. But eventually he must be unencumbered by his own issues for your relationship to succeed.
Don't make excuses for an "emotionally disabled man."
You may be tempted to hold out hope that something will happen if you just -
- give more energy to him... (As if you haven't already given him enough)
- give more time to him...
- be more patient with him...
Or any number of excuses we come up with to throw more and more time into a relationship that we want to make work. I get it, no one wants to put in all that work only to fail.
We get so stuck in trying to make it work that we lose sight of the fact that maybe this relationship was only to teach us about how to find an available partner.
But let it go before you lose yourself in a romance that will never flower.
CLUE #3: He's Still Talking To you...
This is for you when you're out and some guy you like starts talking with you. There is a really complex clue that he's into you. In fact, you may not spot it at first.
What is this hard-to-see clue?
He's still talking to you.
If a guy is interested in you in any way, he'll find a reason and a way to keep talking to you. This is a really big sign of whether he's interested in you or just hiding those feelings away.
Yes, it's crazy, but it's true.
If a man chooses to keep talking to you, that means he's probably interested in you and attracted to you.
I used to give this same bit of advice to men, because it seems that neither men nor women believe it. But the simplest expression of desire is when they choose to keep talking to you instead of other people.
We all want a really "sexy" signal that the other person is interested in us. I think that's because our self-esteem often makes us doubt the truth of this moment...
"What? He's interested in me? Really? NO WAY!"
We both want it to be true AND doubt it in the same moment. Crazy, huh?
But it's a signal that is more reliable than you think.
CLUE #4: He "Locks Up..."
Inevitably a guy will fall into "awkward" behavior at some point with you. If you notice this happening, there's a good chance he's interested in you but embarrassed about it.
- It might be a quiet moment where you're both looking at each other and the conversation grinds to a stop...
- It might be when he reaches uncomfortably close to you to pick up his drink...
- It might be when he brushes up against you unexpectedly - or accidentally - in the kitchen...
It's in that awkward moment that a thought enters his head: "Kiss her.. touch her... hold her!"
Or at least he thinks about how much he wants to. In that moment, he's just dumbstruck by his attraction to you.
If you see that "lock up" happen, that's a big sign.
CLUE #5: He Keeps "Bailing Out"
A guy is struggling with his own interest in you if he keeps finding ways to ALMOST hang out with you.
Let's get this one thing clear right now -
If a guy cancels out on a date with you, it has to be a BIG deal for him. And he should sound appropriately apologetic when he does cancel.
All of this is fine. But here's the important thing to watch for next:
If he's interested in you he will reschedule within a few days. If it takes him more than a week to suggest getting back together, he's not valuing the idea of a date with you enough.
OR he's got other things in his life that are distracting him. (Like his girlfriend or wife...)
A guy that is currently single and is interested in you will make a date happen.
CLUE #6: But He Keeps Coming Back...
If a guy keeps finding a reason to call you, chat you up, come over to your desk during the day, post or message you online, or text you - that means you've got his interest.
The fact that he keeps repeating in your world is a HUGE sign of his interest in you.
You may have noticed that many of these "clues" apply mostly to "shy guys" who don't have a very polished way of handling romance. This is about 80-85% of all men, by the way.
No matter what most guys say, they're mostly chumps when it comes to love.
I should know. I taught men for 12+ years to understand how women and dating works. And now I'm passing on the secrets I found to YOU!
You have to know that men see women as a risk to their life. He knows that if he falls for you, that's going to destabilize his life in countless ways.
- He'll be opening himself up to rejection...
- He's going to be devoting a lot of time to a relationship that may or may not work out...
- He's going to risk losing his sexual freedom - the ability to hook up with other women. YES - even if he's not getting laid at the moment, he sees new love as a risk to his sexual freedom.
BUT this kind of hot & cold, back and forth should come to an end as he realizes what he will get from you in a relationship.
Most guys don't waffle around in this weirdness for too long.
Which leads me to -
CLUE #7: He's Sending Mixed Signals...
When a guy is ambivalent - hot & cold - with you, it's usually a sign that there's some pluses (+) and minuses (-) on his score sheet for starting up a romance with you.
- When he's hot, he's let go of his "trust issues" for a little while...
- When he's cold - they've come back for a bit. Or he just wants some free time to himself.
But I have some really shocking news for you...
Here's the deal: Guys almost NEVER hide their feelings from you.
Guys do NOT "fight their feelings" for a woman they want...
We men simply aren't sophisticated enough to hide ANY emotions from you if you just watch us for a minute or two. We're bad. Like, pathetic.
We want you to KNOW we are interested so you can show us you MIGHT be interested back. And THEN we can work up our courage to ask you out or do something about it.
Now, you have to keep in mind that he will probably not announce out loud that he has feelings for you. But he will definitely act the part!
If you've ever seen a man who loses all control for a woman, you know what I mean. It can make a man crazy with desire for you.
UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH: Guys are usually not "afraid of falling for you."
I coach women on how to get the man they desire, and one of the most frequent questions I hear is
"Carlos - He seems like he's afraid of falling for me. He keeps telling me how hurt he was by his ex, and how he is finding it hard to trust again..."
What he's saying is that he's having fun sleeping with you, and he thinks he can keep sleeping with other women. He knows this will get him out of having to make a commitment to you.
He doesn't want to be tied down to a relationship WITH YOU.
If a man finds a woman he's attracted to - AND she values herself as "The Prize" to be won - he will chase her and lock her down as his girlfriend. And if she can keep her dignity and self respect after he's made a commitment to her, he'll eventually marry her.
Men typically make a commitment to women they feel LUCKY TO HAVE WON.
You might want to re-read that. Wait, I'll make it easier so you don't have to go back up there:
Men commit to a woman they feel LUCKY TO HAVE WON.
What women tend to do is make this:
THE HUGE MISTAKE WOMEN MAKE WITH RELUCTANT MEN...
What is the huge mistake?
She tries to make up for his lack of energy and conviction with her own. She tries to CONVINCE him that she's the one for him.
- She starts cooking for him... cleaning for him...
- She crosses the line from pursued to PURSUER...
- From chased ... to CHASER...
And the harder she works to get him to see her as The One, the more likely he will fall in love with a different woman who doesn't treat him half as well.
I call this "Flipping the Needy Switch" in your relationship.
And if you've ever done it, you're not alone! It's one of the most common mistakes women make. And one of the easiest to fix!
IF you realize the problem and know what to do instead of jumping right in and trying to rescue your relationship, you can even turn this situation around to your benefit!
SECRET TIP: He's Waiting For A Sign From You!
You'll want to think he's hiding his feelings for you under a hard shell of ego and insecurity - but he might be waiting for a sign from you that he CAN feel desire for you.
You see, men don't like risking their egos. They don't want to put too much of themselves out there and be destroyed when you don't feel the same way - or you're not The One for him.
The only way you can make him take that chance with you is to give him a reason to.
He has to see the right signs from you - and you have to read his signals...
Discover how to read his signals here...