Have you ever found some evidence - a text or a note or something - and thought - Is he seeing someone else?
You might wonder if you're just being paranoid or "overthinking" things. But you can't deny, the evidence is there.
Is he seeing other women?
This situation is related to an email I got recently from someone:
QUESTION FROM A READER: "Is He Seeing Someone Else?"
I have a suggestion for a topic for you to discuss ... and I am sure many woman including myself will benefit from it or have experienced this situation and fall short on what to do...
What if your guy suddenly has a friend of the opposite sex and they start hanging out frequently? I would say at least once a week and could chalk up to twice a week.
You don't know the background of this person, or how they met, who she is, what she looks like. He only provides very vague details of how they met just to shut you up.
There's no evidence of cheating yet but the fact that her background remains a mystery and the increased frequency they have been hanging out warrants for worry.
Should woman be worried and possibly try to restrict this in a nice way without him feeling like his freedom is lost?
Or what is your best advice to tackle this sticky situation?
Well, Carrie, in short, your instincts are right. It sounds like he is getting very interested in this woman.
I have to say that you actually do have evidence that he may be entertaining the idea of seeing this woman. The mere fact that he's giving you "very vague details" tells you he doesn't want you to know too much. Which means there's something afoot.
Why wouldn't he say more unless he was trying to hide something?
Besides the fact that I'm a man, and I've done this exact same thing before. (And don't think that women don't do the exact same thing to men!)
If this was really just a friendship, he should be aboveboard enough to have you meet his new "friend." And if you and him had a close-knit relationship, he should be eager to share details of this friendship to quell any anxiety you might have.
But obviously he's not that concerned about your feelings in the matter - or isn't thinking about them.
Of course there are two situations where this kind of "other woman" situation comes up:
- You already have a relationship and a new woman shows up
- You just started seeing a guy, and you suspect there's another woman in the picture (or maybe you are the other woman)
First off, let's talk about some of the signals you'll see if a guy you're dating is seeing another woman. This could be a new relationship or an old relationship.
Then at the end of this article I will tell you what you should do if you find out he's seeing someone else.
Let's go through some of the signs and signals here that he might be looking to see other women - OR already is:
Sign #1: "She" Isn't Respecting Your Relationship
Most women recognize what you did - that a female "friend" to a man is cause for concern.
There's been a lot of debate about this point, whether or not men and women can "just be friends." In my experience, and in almost every single situation I have ever seen, the truth is that straight men and women always have sexual tension between them. Even if there isn't natural attraction present.
What this means is that any woman that your boyfriend hangs out with is a potential threat. And you should keep your eye on that situation.
Not only this, if she's being a female "friend" and she doesn't respect your relationship and that you would have a concern about her, that's a problem.
Let's face it, if she knows his situation and is choosing to hang out with him, she's got plans. Even if your boyfriend is not interested in her, it would appear that she must be interested in him.
Now of course there's a good chance that this "friend" doesn't know about you. Which means it might not be her fault at all. Most women respect the boundaries of a relationship unless they've been led to think otherwise.
But you should figure out what the story REALLY is!
Sign #2: He's keeping you a secret
There are lots of ways a man can keep you a secret.
- He can keep you a secret from his parents and family
- He can keep you a secret from his friends
- He can keep you a secret from other women he seeing
If you notice that the two of you don't seem to be "out" with your relationship, there's a good chance he's hiding you because he seeing someone else.
If you've been dating a guy for a while and he suddenly isn't as available, or doesn't want to go out with you as much, that's a big sign.
I'll tell you from experience, this is something I used to do. If I was seeing a few different people, I didn't want to create an uncomfortable or awkward situation for any of the women I was dating.
And so I would keep her a secret from the rest of my life, to avoid complications.
Sign #3: He tells you
Some guys are up-front and will tell you that they're not ready to commit to a relationship. This is also as good as him telling you "I'm going to see other people."
Can you handle the truth...?
Some guys will date you for a while, and take the slimy, chicken$#!* way of looking around to find other interested women - instead of addressing his dissatisfaction with your relationship. (Which one or likely BOTH of you have a hand in.)
In my articles and videos, you will hear me explain that almost any man who says he's playing the field can be turned into a monogamous, devoted, adoring boyfriend or husband. Because if a man finds a good woman, he will want to keep her.
(No matter how much he says he's "playing the field.")
Guys use this excuse up front because they know women are much more focused on getting a commitment - faster than he may be ready.
And I show women how to turn a reluctant man into this kind of devoted boyfriend that in my programs, such as Irresistible Desire.
However, if a man starts out by telling you he doesn't want a relationship, you should start off immediately believing him.
Instead of trying to pin down a man you can't possess - probably only because you like the challenge - why not choose a guy who starts out being eligible and available?
If a guy changes his tune on you and starts saying that he is not ready for a relationship after he said he was, that means he's trying to duck out of the relationship because he lost interest or saw some red flags.
But always start out by believing what he says if he says he wants less commitment instead of more.
Men don't play hard to get. We simply don't have the skill to do that.
And yes, if a guy starts showing interest in his female friends, he's telling you there's something fishy going on.
Sign #4: His Relationship Status Doesn't Change
If you're friends on social media, or maybe even on an online dating site - and you notice he doesn't change his relationship status for quite a while after you two start dating, there's a good chance you're not the only woman.
Or, he doesn't think you are THE ONE for him.
Remember, if he's into you, he's going to show it. And he's going to broadcast it!
Sign #5: He Treats You... "meh"
If you don't feel very special to this guy, there's a good chance he's just treading water with you. You're his "better than nothing" girl.
Again, a man will make you feel special if he thinks you're special. If you don't feel like you're being treated like his possible Queen, that's a signal.
And that's a signal you shouldn't ignore.
Don't accept anything less than "special" treatment. After all, that's why you want to be in a relationship, isn't it?
Sign #6: He's openly flirty with other women
If a guy is being really flirty with women in front of you, this not only tells you what he thinks about you, this tells you that he considers himself available.
Which means you're not serious girlfriend material to him.
And if you've been dating a while and he's showing interest in other women, he's either trying to send a message or he's just not caring what you think anymore.
Sign #7: There's No Tomorrow
Meaning that you can't see a tomorrow for your relationship. He doesn't talk about the future, or the possibilities of you two in a relationship.
One of the essential ingredients of a developing relationship is that you will want to talk about future plans. If he isn't bringing them up, or suggesting plans, that means he doesn't see a future with you.
And if you ever find yourself trying to convince yourself anything different, wake up. You're trying to make excuses to avoid the uncomfortable truth.
Just think about what you would do if you had a man you really adored. You would be making plans every waking moment.
Sign #8: There's something fishy
If a guy is seeing other women, he will seem like he's hiding something. You'll just get a vibe that he's not telling you the whole truth.
All the signs are there...
Another reason you should trust your instincts! Your gut will tell you things that your 'thinky' brain will ignore.
He may not be outright lying to you or misleading you, but he's definitely not open and transparent. That's something your instincts will tell you right away.
So pay attention to the big picture as well.
Sign #9: He's crazy paranoid about his phone
Perhaps one of the most obvious signs he's seeing someone else is that he won't let you anywhere near his mobile phone.
He's got it password protected, fingerprint protected, and there's no way you ever get a look at what comes up on his screen. He probably even keeps his phone face-down most of the time.
This is one of those things that kind of falls under trusting your instincts. We are all a bit protective of the privacy on our phones, but his will be a bit extra. Usually because he's got messages he doesn't want you to see.
Which doesn't mean that he seeing another woman, but you have to pay attention to the pattern.
Especially if he runs off to take phone calls where you can hear them, or he frequently interrupts your time together to text someone back. And you don't know who it is.
Sign #10: He doesn't ghost you, but he disappears
Meaning that he disappears from your life frequently for long blocks of time.
If you'd like to guess what he's doing during these blocks of time, it's probably seeing his other woman. Even if you're in a primary relationship with this guy, he will start to shift the power over to the new girl.
The longer the time he's away from you, the more she'll get her hooks in him. And the more serious the other relationship probably is.
Sign #11: You feel like a last-minute girl
This means that you feel like he only shows up to do something with you at the last minute. Or maybe he's constantly 'booty calling' you.
No matter how it shakes out, you always seem like the woman that he doesn't make plans with until the last minute. Which is not only inconsiderate, it's a sign that he's already put you in second place.
Or maybe even third place...
Sign #12: You never get prime time
If you only go on dates with him during the week (Monday through Thursday, with an occasional Friday) this means he's probably got another primary girl on the line.
He's popular with the ladies...
After all, Friday and Saturday are typically the "special girl" nights of the week. And Sunday is one of those days you would just hang out together if you are a steady couple.
The weekend is prime time. And if you're not in prime time, you're not a priority to him yet.
And if another woman is his prime relationship, you should address that. I would be willing to bet you don't really want to be part of a competition for his affection.
Also, if he's frequently distracted when he is around you, that's another way that men show you you're not his priority. And that he's probably seeing another woman on the side.
Sign #13: He hasn't made things "official" yet
Naturally, we all get to the point of being exclusive with somebody in our own time.
You really shouldn't expect a man to want to be exclusive before at least a month. Possibly longer.
Remember his timeline will not be your timeline necessarily. Men will always take a little longer than a woman to come to this decision. Men need to be careful with with this commitment. (I've discussed this in past articles and my programs.)
However, if he hasn't made distinct efforts to make you feel like you're a couple, especially after a few months, there's a good chance you're just a side girl for him.
A lot of men start dating and have no problem getting physically intimate with no intention of making things committed.
In fact, he probably starts out a lot of his relationships intending to have a steady partner, but runs into something that makes him pause or holdback.
This is a very common pattern for men.
Men are more cautious about forming a commitment than we are eager to.
Which is why he may be seeing other women on the side, too.
Sign #14: You're not his #1
If you're not his number 1, you're not his priority. Plain and simple.
This is usually fairly obvious in the way that he treats you. You'll notice it in all the previous signs I have covered so far.
You don't feel like you're The One...
This is pretty obvious for most women to sense, but you may find yourself making excuses for him nonetheless.
- "He's afraid of his feelings..."
- "He doesn't know what he wants..."
- "He's been hurt..."
- "His last girlfriend damaged his trust..."
If you're not feeling like his priority, that means you're not his only woman. And it's also a good indication that he's seeing someone else.
There's an old saying in sales:
"If you wait until the moment to ask for the sale to know if they're going to give you the sale, you've already lost the sale."
Which basically means, if you go through your whole presentation and set up, and then ask for the sale without knowing that you've already got it, that means you did a bad sales job. You should have been checking in regularly and making sure your prospect was on board the whole way. Handling objections as you go.
The same exact thing is true for relationships. If you wait for the two or three or four month mark before finding out if he is interested in a committed relationship, you have also failed your sales job too.
Sign #15: His communication frequency has changed
When he isn't texting as much, calling him as much, coming over to see you as much, that's a problem.
Any change in his behavior is a reason for you to take a serious look at what's going on. And is especially important if he's communicating with you less instead of more.
Sign #16: He's in a rush and rarely stays for very long
He stays over long enough to sleep with you, but that's about it.
Is he secretive and sneaky...?
If he's just dropping by to say hello, or he's just not spending a lot of time with you, and that time has definitely decreased in your recent memory, there's a good chance he got someone else keeping him occupied.
At the very least it sounds like he's not interested in making a relationship of it, and he doesn't have the guts to break it off.
If you encounter this pattern, you should be the one to just end the relationship. I'll explain more about WHY in a moment...
Sign #17: He doesn't plan things with you
If you notice that you're not a part of the planning process for a lot of your dates or the things you do together, that can be an issue. It shows that he's not interested in you participating at the level of a committed girlfriend.
It may not say that he seeing another woman, but it shows that you're not his main relationship. And it might be a sign that he's trying to date you in his spare time.
Sign #18: Lots of cancellations
Enough said here. If he cancels a lot on you, is a good chance you're just a girl-on-the-side. And you're going to stay on the side.
Sign #19: What's in a name?
If he doesn't use your first name very much anymore, there's a good chance he's trying to avoid a slip of the lip and saying another woman's name. He doesn't want to put himself in a situation where he might get confused and say "Lisa," or "Karen" ... or even "Gary."
And if he's ever said another woman's name in bed, you really don't need me to tell you what that means.
Now, here's what you do about the other woman:
If you're in a situation where you were the first woman in his romantic world, or you are at least on an equal standing with any other of his candidates, you got some work to do.
He's going to need some proof that you're the one for him. And he needs convincing that he should give up all other women to be with you.
Set healthy boundaries.
This is not a time to be sweet, passive, or nice. If you do, you'll just be telling him that you're meek and you won't do a thing while he goes off to have some fun on the side. In fact, your lack of boundaries will actually push him into her arms.
A woman who wants to keep her man out of the clutches of another woman must put her foot down decisively. Take no crap from this guy.
No matter how much it might seem like men want to "play the field" and date (AKA "bed") many women, he will always give them all up for one good woman who meets all his needs.
If you're a woman who has just started a relationship, and you suspect you're not the only woman in his life, you still have some work.
Step Number 1: Get him to be truthful with you.
If you can't start out with honesty in your relationship, it's very unlikely that your relationship will go anywhere good. In fact, it's more likely that it will be a long road of deceit, heartache, and anxious pain.
Get him to tell you that he seeing another woman. Ask him flat out: "Are you seeing any other women?"
If you know in your heart that he is, and he says "no," dump him immediately. And then tell him why.
Step Number 2: Find out exactly where you stand with him
Ask him what his feelings are for you, and for the relationship, and where he sees you both in a few years. If he can't or won't, drop him like 1st period French class.
Most women will shy away from this. They avoid confrontation. And so they will never find out what's really going on with him so that they can fix it.
If you want to be a success with your man and have a successful relationship, you can't be a wimp when it comes to talking about the hard stuff.
One of the most important skills you must have to attract and keep a man is the willingness to face the music when it's time.
Again, when I was in sales, those who rambled through their presentation hoping that the prospect would just say yes at the end almost never got the sale. They were afraid to hear objections which they would interpret as rejections.
The sales people who handle objections when they came up, and even asked for them to make sure they weren't there, got the sale. Because they could handle the objection and not take it personally.
Step Number 3: The goal is a stronger you for him to love...
Ironically, one of the most important things you can do is to end relationships quicker. The primary reason is that when you end a relationship you gain a boost in self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.
Find your strength and walk away...
- cling to relationships too long
- allow him to neglect you and your relationship
- allow him to end the relationship or disappear on you first...
- you sabotage your feelings of self-worth.
I'm not suggesting you should be recklessly dumping guys left and right. However, confirming your own ability to protect your heart is essential.
You have to have agency in your life to know that you can act for yourself.
Everyone wins when you are a stronger, more capable woman - someone who can support herself, him, and your family.
It's a win-win all around!
If you'd like to learn how to be his FOREVER WOMAN and not just someone he's dating on the side...
If you're tired of dealing with dishonesty or disinterest from your man...
You need to learn how to be his priority. Go watch this short video on "The Secret Password To His Heart"