"My Boyfriend Won't Make Time For Me!" - 9 Tips To Be His Priority
By: Carlos Cavallo
If you've ever been in a relationship where you want to get the attention you deserve, you might have found yourself feeling neglected and unwanted. You may have even told your friends "My boyfriend won't make time for me! What the heck should I do?"
Let's tackle this tricky situation and give you the tips you need.
Poking and prodding will only push him away...
You don't want to feel lonely, and you definitely don't want to feel neglected. You probably also don't want to break up.
But you also know that you just don't feel like a priority in his eyes. And you probably know that you deserve better.
One strategy that definitely will NOT work is complaining and nagging. Very often we feel that the only way we can get our needs met is to pressure someone to give us what we need. But this is a strategy that will backfire most of the time.
Even if you get what you want by pressuring him you will create resentment and friction between you and him.
No one wants to be beaten into submission. And this is true 10 times over when it comes to men.
No man ever wants to be pushed into anything in a relationship.
And you definitely don't want to threaten the relationship. Or threaten him.
When a guy hears complaining, all he hears is that he is not adequate. A man is focused on solutions and fixing problems. So by complaining you're saying that you are dissatisfied with him, but there's also no solution for the problem.
And contrary to what you might think, you can't just tell him to "make more time." He needs specifics.
Not to mention, you will begin to wonder if he is still interested in you anymore.
Being a priority is a significant signal in a relationship. And you are right to want to be a priority.
You need to know that if you were to marry him or live with him, he would be there for you. Because that's what it comes down to in the end - will he be there for you?
You need a man you can rely on and depend upon. And who can keep you safe.
So how do you get him to make you a priority? How do you get him to make more time for you? It feels like you're at an impasse.
Why is he not making time for you? Reason 1: He is genuinely busy
This one is tricky. He will probably give you this excuse - even if it's not the real reason. In fact it's probably the most common stall tactic a man uses on a woman.
Time is ticking...
The fact is that no matter what, IF we love and appreciate someone, we want to be with them. We will make it happen.
We won't make excuses - and we definitely won't let time get in the way.
Sure, there is a chance that he is overwhelmed with things to do in his life. A lot of men get busy building their careers, depending on where he is in his life. (This is something I talk about in my Connection Code program.)
It's vitally important that you understand what stage of life he's in so that you can understand his behavior as well.
Some women get involved with a man who is in a stage of his life that she doesn't understand. And this leads to problems in the relationship. Problems that could easily be solved if she knew more about how men think and feel.
Reason 2: Because he's not that into you
Unfortunately, the truth is that sometimes he isn't making you a priority because he really isn't that into the relationship.
Not every man is going to take a relationship and want to run to the goal with it. Whether that's marriage or moving in together, sometimes he is only in the relationship for the convenience.
Just make sure you don't want more from him only because he's giving you less. Scarcity can trick you into relationships that aren't right for you.
Reason 3: Bad Timing
Sometimes you just catch a guy at the wrong time.
Maybe he's fresh out of an old relationship
Maybe he's just started a new job
Maybe he is in the process of trying to align his priorities
Maybe he's dealing with a difficult family or financial situation
If you find yourself in bad timing, the best thing you can do is to wait it out a little longer. See if you can get back in sync.
And make sure you understand his situation completely. Crystal clear.
Then you can sit down and figure out if you want to keep waiting, or if his bad timing is really just him not wanting a committed relationship.
Reason 4: He's a commitment-phobe
Funny enough, this is the first reason that most women assume right off the bat. And yet it is rarely the first reason or primary reason he's putting you off and not making you his number one priority.
He's just not into you.
Men never fear commitment to a woman they genuinely view as being a prize.
And a man can only see you as a prize if he is chasing you actively.
This is one of the most important things to understand about men. And I'll bet that your mom never taught you about this critical secret about men.
There are dozens of books in the bookstore shelves about 'men who won't commit.' But they all miss the mark.
The reason most women can never get him to commit is because she thinks THIS is the problem. The specter of "Commitment Phobia..."
In fact, the real problem is that she doesn't realize he has put her in the "Friends with Benefits" bucket! You might be stuck in that bucket too.
Sure, there are men who are afraid to commit. But they're only afraid because she scared him. Either with something she did or something she said.
What to do if he is not making time for you - Tip 1: Don't assume
It's very easy to project someone else's actions as meaning something about you.
If your boyfriend isn't spending time with you, you might be tempted to believe that he doesn't love you. Or that there something wrong with you.
Don't make any assumptions about your value based on how he is treating you. It doesn't mean that you are not lovable, or not valuable.
Don't project feelings of inadequacy toward yourself. You're fine as you are. (But not that you can't keep improving...)
Don't assume that "because he did this" that "means that." You'd be surprised how many different reasons there can be for a behavior. Both positive AND negative...
Tip 2: Is This A Stall Tactic?
There's also a possibility that he may be stalling your relationship. Sometimes guys do this with their lack of attention to the relationship.
Remember that he is making a conscious choice about how much time he spends with you. If he's choosing something else (or someone else) as a priority, that simply means it's more of a priority to him.
Something that's important to know about men is that there are times when he does not put your relationship as his number one priority. He has other things in his life that he will occasionally bump to the top of his list.
This is something that many women don't understand because a woman places relationships (especially her love relationship) at the top of her list at all times.
For you, it seems contrary to reality that anyone would prioritize something else over your relationship, so you assume he's got "a reason."
You'll have to adjust to this understanding from time to time and recognize that men will sometimes shift priorities on you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it simply means a shuffle in his needs.
What's more important for you is to know if you will be back as his number 1 after his other task is done.
You should never be low on his priority list for very long!
Tip 3: Make Sure You're Seeing The Truth
Sometimes our fears of abandonment stop us from looking as closely as we should at what's going on.
Your "light bulb" moment...
For example, which one of these choices are you most likely to believe:
He's got a lot of projects on his plate right now and he's just "super busy" OR
He's coming up with a clever excuse for his lack of interest so that he can keep stringing you along and sleeping with you
Which one do you WANT to believe?
Of course, who wouldn't choose number 1 as the truth, right? Especially because he's so sincere and you want to believe him. It's the reason you WANT to believe is true.
BUT you also have to look at his behavior and not fall prey to his clever reasons and excuses.
Remember that a man's behavior always tells the truth about what he's feeling.
(This is also true for women. But women also tend to recognize their emotions and reveal them much more openly than men do.)
Always look at his behavior and be willing to interpret it in the worst possible light. This way you can be working from a stable foundation of truth. And you will trust your own perceptions and intuition.
And the more of his behaviors repeat, the more you can trust they are true!
Remember that if a man is making you distrust your intuition, chances are you're not only being lied to but you will also have a tough time trusting yourself and having compassion for yourself.
Tip 4: Are you holding back?
In relationships, women frequently hold back on their own needs. A woman is more likely to go along to get along, avoid confrontation, and put her needs on the back burner. Women are encouraged to self-sacrifice and not appear needy.
How do you move forward...?
In truth, look at your own behavior:
Do you frequently put your own needs behind his?
Do you stay silent when you feel you should say something?
Are you afraid of irritating him, which may push him away?
Are you anxious about his emotional reactions that you can't control?
Very often a dynamic is created between men and women when a woman stays silent and the man interprets this to mean that she agrees with what is happening.
You don't want to scare him off - but you also don't want to let him off the hook.
Tip 5: Have a little talk with him
Sometimes you're going to have to put aside your own fears and tell him what your needs are in the relationship. Because if you don't tell him, he will never figure them out.
Build healthy communication skills
Men can't read your mind. You may have heard this enough to make you sick, but it still is true as it ever was.
Many women experience other women as being able to read her emotional state. It comes naturally.
That's because women have a more sensitive emotional intuition. You can pick up on signals that other men could never pick up.
But men do not experience this at all. We don't have the same ability to read emotional states that you do.
Which means, YES, you will have to tell him what you're thinking and feeling from time to time.
But you only tell him ONE time!
If you keep going back and talking to him over and over and nothing changes, he will just assume you can't walk away. And he has no motivation to change.
This is why it's so important and critical that you find a comfortable and manageable communication rhythm that you both can understand.
This should be your first order of business in a relationship.
When you have your communication figured out early, your relationship will flow smoothly.
If you do not, you will have a tough time with almost every man that you meet. In fact, you may be experiencing that right now. It could be one of the reasons you come to my site to read an article on this topic.
And then you have to be able to sit down and talk with him about your needs when they come up. If you're not feeling like a priority, and you've given him plenty of time to put you back at the top of his list, he might need a little correction.
And if you can't do this now, can you imagine being in a relationship with him for 40 years?
I certainly hope not! Which is all the more reason you have to motivate yourself to talk about the hard stuff.
That's 90% of what a real relationship is, by the way. It's not the easy stuff you see in romantic movies where miraculous changes in him happen every five minutes.
Or where the self-proclaimed ladies' man and bachelor sees the error of his ways and she conquers him! (Don't fall for fairy tales.)
Real relationships are based in reality. And the nitty-gritty of tackling the tough stuff.
Tip 6: Don't Let Him Excuse Himself From Doing His Part
I'm going to be uncomfortably honest with you right now:
"Men will HAPPILY stick around in a relationship for as long as possible IF he's getting physical satisfaction. Meaning that he is getting sexual intimacy."
A man can very easily get all of his needs met for a very long time with a purely sexual relationship.
Yes, there are some guys who will naturally progress into a committed relationship with you. By the way, there is no "event" when this happens. There is no official declaration that he is now "committed." He just assumes you two are together.
What this means is that you have to be on the lookout for your own needs!
He can go a lot longer without making a commitment then you are likely to.
So yes, you're going to have to know how to make him step up and devote himself to you. I'll tell you more about how to do this in a minute...
Tip 7: Make sure you know what you want...
One of the steps many women overlook is that you have to know what kind of a relationship you want. You gotta know if this guy is the right one for you, and where you want this to go.
Be sure this is what you really want...
Men do not typically take a leadership role in a relationship.
They leave that to the woman.
Remember that he is always making choices and always telling you with his actions exactly what he thinks of your relationship. You are being communicated to directly from him. So be sure you see what he's "saying."
Then you have to ask yourself some questions:
Is this the right man for me?
If things never change from the way they are right now, would I want this relationship?
Is he demonstrating his love for me clearly with his actions?
Is he able to communicate his love for me in words?
Do his words match his actions? Or do I feel like they are mixed signals?
Will he be there for you if you were to get married and start a family? Can you rely on him?
Be willing ask yourself the hard questions now, so that you don't have to face hard decisions later.
Tip 8: Relationships go through cycles...
All relationships go through their ups and downs. He could be dealing with a huge upset in his life.
For example, men feel extreme emotional upset over failures in their life. Sure, if his softball team is on a losing streak, he will be unhappy.
But if he has a failure in business, that unhappiness could sink into depression for a while. And he may not be able to pull himself out without your help.
It's up to you to recognize where he is in his life and adjust. You might want to be his priority, but he may not be able to give it to you right this moment.
When the crisis is over, and he makes an emotional rebound, he will be back in your arms.
If you're wondering why he won't make time for you, there's a good chance you're both going through a bad cycle of some kind.
Tip 9: Here Are Your Choices...
There's really only three things you can do when you're in a situation where he's not making you his priority:
Focus on him, focus on the relationship, focus on what you're NOT getting - and be unhappy
Focus on yourself, keep yourself busy and distracted, and wait it out
Dump him and go find a man that's ready to move forward
Number 1 is completely out of the question. Totally unacceptable.
There is no amount of attention that you can give to a dead relationship that will make it come back to life.
Of course you can do a combination of number two and number three. If you're still not sure that he is into the relationship, you can stick out a little longer. See if he actually does get his ducks in a row.
Some guys eventually do come around and realize what they have.
But eventually, you need to be willing to kick him to the curb if you're not getting your needs met. It's not a fun choice, but you have to be willing to make it.
Because he could stick around with you for years based on a convenient relationship that never goes anywhere.
Here's the truth that most dating advisors will never tell you:
A man has no problem making a commitment to you and making you a priority if he sees you as his prize.
AND - we do not chase people in relationships that we feel we've already won.
In other words, no man thinks that the woman chasing HIM is a prize. He would only wonder: "If she's so great, why is she chasing me?"
And he would be right to wonder about that.
Some women see this as old-fashioned thinking. They think that men and women should both just say what they mean and do what they should do.
But the truth is that human beings do not act rationally.
And I'm betting that you experienced this yourself in almost every single relationship you've ever had.
If you wait around for men to change to suit you, you'll never have the relationship you want.
Instead, why not learn how men really work and make him work for you? It only takes a few minutes, and the effects last a lifetime.
There's no reason you need to wait around on him or be unhappy in the process.
Why not learn right NOW how to make him make you his priority?
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