What To Do When He Is Pulling Away From You - 7 Tips
By: Carlos Cavallo
Nothing sends a chill down your spine faster than knowing that your man is growing cold and distant. And when you feel that happening, you need to know what to do when he is pulling away from you.
Distance is the one thing that panics men and women.
The problem with guys is that they don't notice it until it's way too late. As a woman with heightened instincts, you probably sense it the very second it starts to happen.
The fact is that when you lose a relationship it feels like you're losing a part of you. And that's why your emotions go into overdrive when you notice him starting to pull away.
The good news is that your relationship may not be ending. It just might be going through a phase. All relationships go through ups and downs. As it happens, these ups and downs are necessary if you want him to make a commitment to you.
But how do you know?
How do you know if he's actually going to come back?
That's the real source of your panic. And that's why you immediately jump into action.
There are a lot of reasons a man might be growing cold or distant.
So what I'm going to explain to you today are some of the other reasons that he may want to pull away, and how to get him to stop, turn around, and love you again.
Look, I'm not trying to blame you for his reluctance. It may seem like I'm saying this is all your fault.
It’s probably not.
But… you should be aware that men are MUCH more slow to commit to a relationship than women are. And easier to scare!
And even if you know this, chances are you will still make this mistake a few times in your life.
Not every man is commitment-phobic. Not every man is emotionally immature.
BUT if you compare a man to a woman, he will always seem like he is an emotionally immature commitment-phobic.
Women commit fast, men commit slow.
I aim to show you the places where you may have gone a little faster than he was ready. And hopefully you will be able to see how to change this in the future.
And you'll be able to detect the signs that he's starting to pull away before it happens. That's how you stop him from disappearing.
Why He’s Pulling Away From You - REASON 1: You lost it
Look, I get it. Every woman has a moment where she's tired of trying to be patient and she loses it. She has “the talk” with him and she doesn't realize she's just scared the living bejesus out of him.
Almost every woman has done this at some point or another, and regretted it. But that doesn't stop her from doing it again in the future.
Why does this happen?
Well, usually it happens because in a moment of weakness - or possibly a little too much red wine - you just get fed up. You're tired of waiting, and it doesn't seem like this guy is moving one inch towards a long-term relationship.
It's the same impatience that a guy feels when he's waiting to sleep with you. Almost every guy has been forced to wait a little too long and probably made it seem like all he wanted from you was sex. In fact, he was just pushed by his own physiological needs.
I'll tell you more about what to do about this in a minute.
REASON 2: He thought you might be a little clingy or needy
Please note: This doesn't mean that you ARE clingy or needy, he just thinks that's the case. It's up to you to look at your past behavior and decide if you are typically an insecure person.
Everyone is capable of slipping into needy behaviors. (Yes, even men.)
Be honest with yourself about what might have triggered your panic. You should also share this observation with him, because this will soothe him and pull him back.
REASON 3: You went too far too fast
Sometimes you just get comfortable and you start moving forward figuring that he's on the same schedule that you are. He might have even given off signals that he's pretty comfortable and this is a relationship he's invested in.
Almost every woman has had the experience of dating a guy who came on strong at the start and then - usually after sleeping with her - he grows cold and backs away.
Take a look at the pacing of your relationship.
Maybe you told him you love him a little too early?
Maybe you started leaving clothes over at his house after the second date?
Maybe you shouldn’t have had him meet your family in the first couple weeks of dating?
See if you might have stepped on the gas too hard in your relationship.
REASON 4: You slept with him too quickly
In this day and age, we are all brainwashed by the media that it's okay to jump in bed as soon as you feel like it. In fact, the sooner the better.
After all, all those people on TV and in the movies do it!
Well, I hate to tell you this but television is not the best way to learn how to live your life. The things you see on TV are usually super high in drama and super low in accuracy.
It takes about three weeks to really get a guy good and hooked on you. But if you short circuit this sleeping with him too soon, chances are he will just lose interest and fade away.
There are literally dozens of ways to keep a man interested in you that don't involve the bedroom. In fact, men don't want to sleep with you too quickly.
But he will if he's given the opportunity! (You gotta help HIM with his self-control.)
Which leads me to the next reason -
REASON 5: He wasn’t challenged
A man is going to pursue a woman he finds challenging.
A man will lose interest in a woman who doesn't challenge him.
These are two rules you can live by when it comes to dating men. The problem is that most women don't really understand how to challenge a man the right way.
I can tell you from experience that one of the most enjoyable experiences when I was dating was when I met a woman who really understood how to challenge me as a man. It was a little bit like old fairy tales where the princess sends her knight in shining armor on a quest.
The more you make him work for you, the more he will love you. And the more he will be invested in you.
Ikea - the famous furniture store where you build everything yourself - has some of the highest satisfaction rates with their furniture. Is it because the furniture is super high-quality?
It's because they make you build it. And that makes you invest your emotions in the furniture. It's got the emotional attachment - as if you built it from scratch.
The same thing is true of relationships. Let him build your relationship and he will never walk away.
It's the truth. There are a lot of women who intentionally push men away because they secretly are afraid of commitment themselves. Or they have self-esteem issues or insecurities that make them think the relationship won't last anyways. They don't believe in their own value.
Take a good close look at your own patterns. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship. Maybe all of your other girlfriends make you think you should be, but you're just not.
There's a lot of social pressure for women to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean you have to be.
Take a good close look and see if maybe YOU are afraid of a relationship commitment.
REASON 7: YOUR Reason
If you are honest about it, you probably already know why he's pulling away right now. You probably don't need me to tell you what happened.
There was something that happened that either freaked him out, or put a weird vibe in your relationship. Then, when you realized the mistake, you overcompensated and started chasing him.
It's usually that simple.
You don't have to over-analyze anything. Just accept what happened, and now resolve that it's time to fix it.
PSSST! Here’s a reason that is usually NOT why a man pulls away: Timing
A lot of so-called gurus like to tell you that sometimes 'the timing just isn't right.' The truth is that the timing is ALWAYS right if you meet someone you really connect with.
If you met a great guy that checked off all your needs, would you let "timing" stop you from making that relationship happen? Didn't think so.
No one ever walked away from a relationship just because of “timing.”
That's just the excuse they use to leave a party early, not a romance. UNLESS it's an excuse and convenient.
Now, there are literally dozens of reasons why a guy might pull away from a relationship, but those are the most important ones.
What's more important is, What do you do about it?
What do you do when he is pulling away?
Do you chase him?
Do you try to convince him that you're the best opportunity he's ever going to have?
I can tell you right now that if you try to convince a man, it will fail.
“Someone convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
What To Do If He’s Pulling Away From You - TIP #1: Push him away first
That's right. The best thing you can possibly do when you suspect your man is starting to pull away is to pull away first.
I called this the preemptive strike. And the reason it works is this:
If he's going to pull away, your trying to pull him back will actually make him run away even faster
When you push a man away first, you steal all the energy away from the Panic. He gets to be the one to worry about losing you. Doesn't that sound much better?
Most men never experience a woman pushing him away. We almost always experience women who cling and pull even harder. This will intrigue him and drive up his curiosity through the roof.
If you're brave enough to walk away from a man, this sends a clear signal to him that says: you are a high-value woman. You're not afraid of loss.
When you're afraid of loss, when you're coming from scarcity thinking, you have no leverage.
This is the trickiest thing for a woman to do, but if you can find the internal strength and fortitude, you will see that this is the most effective way to get a guy to come running back.
TIP #2: Give him space
Chances are he feels a little bit crowded right now. Not that you're crowding him, but that his own emotions are crowding him. That's why men often pull away.
He's overwhelmed emotionally. He needs some time to figure out what's going on.
When a man has space to think about it, he almost always comes back to the woman who gave it to him.
No one wants to walk away from a relationship they've invested time and energy in. Which means if you’re patient, you are the one he will be running back to in short order.
It just takes a little bit of patience on your part. Do you have it?
The truth is that most men come back to relationships after they've been given a chance to go sort things out. They keep pulling away when they feel haunted and pressured to stay close.
TIP #3: Stop texting him
Like, right now.
If you feel that little demon on your shoulder telling you that you should keep poking him with text until he responds, slap him off your shoulder.
When a guy gets a non-stop barrage of texts, he starts to make more decisions about not returning to the relationship.
Be careful about your anxiety pressuring you to do something just to “make it happen.” Texting too much is a guaranteed way to overwhelm a guy and make him want even more distance.
TIP #4: Be upfront with him
If he continues to stay distant after a period of 10 days or more, you have to step in and tell him what you're seeing.
Not with tears or extreme emotion. That will just freak him out and he won't hear your message.
You have to calmly tell him what you're observing in his behavior, and ask him how you can help him. Just let him know that you're concerned for him and you want to help.
As long as you express this without a hint of “Please oh please God Don't Leave Me” - he will respond. He may not pull you back immediately, but you will have set the stage for him to do that when he's ready.
If he doesn’t open up to you, you have to be willing to give him 'the big goodbye.'
And if you can't confront the issues of your relationship, then you have no chance at keeping that relationship going over the long-term.
Be brave. And be honest.
TIP #5: Check in with your friends
Find your honest friends and take them out to lunch for a little “reality talk.”
Don't be afraid of the truth. Chances are your friends have seen you in your relationship and can tell you what they have observed. Let them know that you are looking to improve the quality of your relationship and you value their opinion.
Just ask them: “Was I doing something that may have pushed him away?”
And then be quiet and listen to what they say. They may not want to hurt your feelings, so they will say it softly and gently. But keep pressing until you get to the truth.
As they say, the truth may hurt, but it will also help you heal.
TIP #6: Don't fight the tide
This is just another fancy way of saying that you can't always get what you want. Resisting reality is the essential source of all suffering.
If you fight the reality that the relationship may not be able to make it, you will put yourself into a psychological tailspin.
You may feel depressed
You might slip into behaviors to calm your anxiety that ultimately hurt you
You might find yourself compromising your ethics and priorities just to avoid an emotion
The funny part is that most women realize after a breakup occurs that it's not really all that bad. In fact, men usually suffer more in breakups than women do. I think this has something to do with the resiliency of a woman's emotional makeup.
If you accept the worst, you are now open to looking at options you weren't able to before. And, you will probably relax, soften, and lose the anxious, panicked edge.
This will immediately make you seem much more attractive. And you'll feel much more at peace within yourself.
TIP # 7: Just break up with him already!
In the end, you have to be a champion for your own self esteem. If you sense that he's resisting you and pulling away from the relationship when there's no reason to, you have to be willing to put your foot down.
If you followed all the previous steps I've talked about, then at some point you have to just walk away.
If you find that it's difficult for you to walk away from relationships, that's normal. But if you find that you simply can't do it, or you have to have him break up with you for some reason, that could be a problem that needs to be looked at.
You may have some attachment issues from your childhood that are playing out in your relationships. And you can't really rule out the possibility that he's picking up on them.
The best thing you can do for your own self esteem and your feelings of self-worth is to be able to drop a relationship that isn't going anywhere. If you overworked it or cling to tightly to any guy because you keep convincing yourself he must be ”the one,” this could be a pattern you've gotten used to.
Remember: If a man is genuinely interested in you and wants you and loves you, he won't hold back. He won't retreat. (At least not for long.)
Here's a secret that most women never find out about men:
When a man pulls away from you, it's usually a kind of subconscious test.
Let me explain…
Most guys go through a period where they are a little bored of being in a relationship. He's not really bored of YOU. He's just not sure how to be in a relationship.
Yes, he gets a little bit frightened. And what does he do? He retreats.
A man pulls away so that he can get a little distance and check in with his own emotions.
Because a man figures out what he's feeling by being alone.
This is the hardest thing about men for women to understand and accept.
It's only when you resist this and try to pull him back against his will that you find out:
he “wants some distance”
he “wants to see other people”
he's “not sure about your relationship”
he's “not sure if he's ready for a commitment”
he “thinks you might be moving too fast”
Or any of the other 1 million reasons a man comes up with.
Usually, NONE of them are true, by the way. Which should reassure you because that means you can DO something about it. Something other than worrying.
You CAN pull him back.
“If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll keep actively pursuing you and chasing you. He won’t leave you wondering if he’s into you.”
This is the simplest question you have to ask yourself: Is he pursuing you?
"If your man isn't 'chasing' you in some way, you don't really HAVE him." - Carlos Cavallo
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